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Emma Russell
Having to deal with a permanent phobia meant that Peter Goffin was prepared for the coronavirus pandemic. He knew how to follow the rules of hygiene and had all the necessary powers to prevent his anxieties I know get out of control. This is his story.
I was sitting on my kitchen floor, using disinfectant to clean a cereal bag, when I had a revelation: I have spent almost 20 years practicing for the arrival of the coronavirus pandemic.
At the beginning of my adolescence I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
For almost two thirds of my life, I have been tormented by microbes, how they can be transmitted and how I can keep them on the sidelines.
And that has given me an advantage over the kind of precautions that we are being advised to observe around the world.
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Avoid physical contact with people outside my home, wash my hands after touching something that someone else has touched, disinfect what I buy at the supermarket – all that I have done, at multiple times in my life. And I have perfected my technique.
“The madness of doubt”
I can recognize many of my own trends in the new global coronavirus culture. But what stands out the most is the constant and insatiable anxiety that results from never having complete security of being free of infection.
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The question begins with: Am I clean enough? “
Thousands, perhaps millions of people around the world are wondering right now: did that person get too close to me in the store ?; Will I have washed my hands long enough ?; Will this soap kill all microbes?
In the mid-19th century, doctors in France who wrote studies on OCD called it la folie de doute –the madness of doubt.
That is the best description I have ever seen for the way I have felt in my darkest moments. And many of us are experiencing something similar during this pandemic.
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There is some assurance that if we keep our distance and wash our hands and follow the confinement orders, we can protect ourselves. But there will always be that annoying uncertainty and doubt, and the anxiety that comes with them.
Those are not intrinsically bad feelings. In small doses, they are what keeps us alert.
The problem is that they can get out of control. The question begins with: “Am I clean enough?” But then it evolves to: “Will I ever be able to summarize a normal life?” And finally: “Why try it?”
Adolescence and adulthood with OCD
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Emma Russell
I grew up in Canada, and I had a hard time controlling worries and fears from a very young age – maybe 5 or 6 years old.
By the time I was 12, those feelings were down, mostly to concerns about cleanliness and contamination, especially around other people’s body fluidsThe saliva they spit when they speak, the microbes they spread when they don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom, and all the dangerous bacteria I imagined lurking around.
Eventually, my family realized that I was trying to avoid touching things like doorknobs, light switches, and washing my hands until they were red.
I was fortunate to have tolerant and compassionate parents who were always willing to pay attention and who helped me navigate the usually confusing and bureaucratic health system for mental disorders.
I started therapy and they prescribed antidepressants, which I take to this day.
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These treatments, and the OCD itself, became part of what I considered my normal life. But they interfered in my adolescence until my 20 years in a serious way.
When I returned home after high school and college, I was more concerned with washing my germs for the day than studying.
Those were days when I stayed up all night doing laundry or showering two or three times because I couldn’t get “clean enough”.
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None of these are new habits, but I thought I was past them forever. “
I kept my distance from many friends, partly out of fear of contamination – but more because I was afraid they would discover that I was different from them.
New challenges
For the past five years, I’ve been able to keep my OCD anxieties more or less under control.
I have become more applied in facing and fighting my fears. I strive to differentiate between useful concerns and those that are unnecessary or exaggerated.
I have benefited greatly from having a patient and understanding partner, which forces me to take responsibility when I need it most.
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Anecdotally, many people like me with anxiety about microbes say they experience less concern during this pandemic.
Perhaps it is because other people have adopted their world view and are taking the same precautions and are also learning how to handle intense stress on a daily basis.
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Emma Russell
That has happened to me, up to a point. But the pandemic has also presented – or resurrected – other particular challenges.
Warnings from public health services have reinforced the message that microbes are easily transmitted from person to person, even when we cross the street.
The instructions on how to wash our hands have made me consider several times if I had them really clean. And the purchase of the market has presented one of the great recurring problems of my life.
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Although it is a waste, I have always preferred packaged food rather than loose food that may have been handled by others. But beyond that, I worry relatively little about my diet.
In the midst of the coronavirus, however, I have reverted to the extreme caution I practiced during the most severe point of my mental problems, about a decade ago.
Now when I bring merchandise home, I put everything in a small corner of my apartment, just as I would carefully push aside a pair of shoes after stepping on a piece of discarded gum. I wash my hands. I push away any loose things that come out of the protective packaging – trusting it’s clean enough.
Then, methodically, I clean the rest of the items with a disinfectant or laundry soap and water, putting what is washed in a new group. I wash my hands again and put what I bought in the pantry or refrigerator.
None of these are new habits, but I thought I was past them forever.
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It was incredibly helpful to talk openly about my feelings with people I trust. “
I’m not the only one suffering new or more intense mental health problems.
Around the world, crisis hotlines report a drastic increase in calls since the pandemic began.
In the United States, some professionals have warned that the mental health system does not have the capacity to cope with the growing demand. And nothing to say about countries with less developed health systems.
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Techniques to control anxiety
As the discussion around coronavirus increasingly focuses on relaxing confinement, keeping a clear and calm mind could be more important and challenging than ever.
No matter when stores, offices, and schools begin to reopen, the specter of covid-19 and all the fears and anxieties it carries will hang over the world for many more months.
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Emma Russell
But, as I have learned after years of self-examination and multiple therapy sessions, anxiety can be controlled.
In my experience, it has been incredibly helpful to speak calmly and openly about my feelings with people I trust, whether they are qualified professionals or loved ones.
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I have undergone a treatment called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), first in Canada when I was a teenager and again in the UK as an adult.
The purpose of this fixed-time counseling is essentially to equip patients with the necessary tools to recognize, confront, and replace thoughts or actions that have gone beyond logic or utility, and entered into the ambit of the harmful or unstable.
It is best to learn CBT from a professional advisor. But there are elements of the technique that you can try yourself and could help anyone.
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Lizzie Knott
How to make a list of the things that worry you, detailing in each case what worries you and how it makes you feel.
Then you can look at the list and try to find factual reasons why some of your concerns may be unfounded, exaggerated, or have a solution.
For people who are under confinement, the cause of Anxiety could be a mixture of health issues, loss of income or job insecurity, social isolation and the lack of the most joyous aspects of life..
By individually identifying each of these concerns, you could mitigate some of the stress with solutions – such as fighting isolation by scheduling regular calls with family or friends, for example. Or planning a great summer vacation or party for when the world reopens for sure.
You could find solace in the advice of experts, who have stressed that most people who get covid-19 will survive.
You might have the relief of scientific evidence that washing your hands with ordinary soap is enough to cleanse your skin, and doing laundry the ordinary way will remove the virus from your clothes.
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Above all, you must remember that none of us is going through this pandemic alone.
On my worst days, my doubt and anxiety can crush my self-esteem and turn it into dust. I feel like a stranger and a fool, like I’m the only person on Earth feeling like this. But, right now, we all feel the strain of the coronavirus in one way or another.
We may be secluded of our own free will to cope with this crisis. But we are doing it together.
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