Dear Amy: Nine-year-old “Danny” lives with his father and grandparents, and neither of them gets along well. Danny is always caught in the middle.
Danny’s father (in his 30s) is a self-absorbed jerk and spends very little time with Danny, but lives in the same house.
If Grandma is mad at Danny’s father (her son), Danny hears everything about it, and vice versa. Caught up in agitation, Danny is chewed on both sides.
The last example of this is that Danny goes on vacation with his grandparents, but his father was not invited and doesn’t even know they are leaving! Grandma told Danny not to tell her dad because she doesn’t want dad to leave. And when they return, Danny will be yelled at by his father for keeping the secret. Danny cannot win in this dysfunctional family.
How can it be right for the other family members to go on vacation with their son and not tell him, and demand that Danny keep this secret? Grandparents are his primary caregivers and if they leave him behind, I doubt his father will take care of him for the 10 days, so Danny should go with them.
I am a member of the family (not very respected), who fortunately does not live there. I keep my mouth shut because nobody asked me, but Danny shares with me some of his anxieties and fears. I really feel for the boy. All I can think to tell you is that you can chart your own path when you grow up, and that you won’t have to live with either your grandparents or your father. It seems so insufficient.
Obviously, all of these people need advice and I seriously doubt that it will ever happen, because they are blind to their angry dysfunction.
Is it okay that they take Danny without telling Dad? What can I say to Danny?
Worried relative
Dear Concerned: It is not correct that these grandparents take their grandson; Unless they are the child’s parents or legal guardians, it would also be illegal for them to take the child without the parent’s permission.
Any parent who returns home to find their missing son unexplained would be justified in calling the police to report a kidnapping.
Poor Danny is in a toxic house. No adult should ask a child to keep a secret from a parent; keeping secrets divides a child’s loyalty. It is also what people who exploit children ask them to do.
Danny can’t wait until he grows up to chart his own path. Given the dynamics in this home, the child will pay the price and his path will be very difficult. Stay close to the boy.
You shouldn’t be silent. This family desperately needs intervention, for the good of the child.
Dear Amy: I like to meet my friends one by one; I just do. It bothers me when arrangements are made to meet a friend and then I find out that she has invited others to join us.
It’s not that I don’t like other people. It just changes the conversation when there are three, four, or five people.
Should I find other friends who think like me or is there a way to express my feelings without appearing antisocial?
Something of a loner
Dear Solitaire: It is possible that he is not so much a “loner” as an introvert, whose energy is exhausted by groups of people, especially when he is not waiting for him. There is nothing “wrong” with feeling this way. It’s the way you’re built!
If you’re issuing the invitation, you can dictate the terms, so you can say, “See you at the Corner Cafe, but just the two of us, okay?” If someone else is making the plans, you can ask if there will be others there. Understand that if you meet a friend in a bar, there is a chance that others will join you.
Read: “Silence: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain (2013, Broadway Books).
Dear Amy: I really should comment on the signed letter “Are you looking for too much courtesy?” He wanted appreciation and validation for the polite things he did throughout his day.
We make polite and practical courtesies because it is what we should do and what we choose to be, not because of the continuous recognition and / or praise of each thing.
Give it a break
Dear Rest: I completely agree.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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