DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my mother. It was very sudden. We were extremely close, and she was the most wonderful grandmother to my children.
My mother-in-law and husband have a strained relationship that I have had trouble navigating for years. I have always approached her and made sure she sees the grandchildren.
I’ve been a little “lost” since my mother died, and my children too. I expected my MIL to increase and intervene, but it just didn’t happen. I am disappointed and sad for my children, and the situation seems to be getting worse. When I try to talk to my husband about it, his response is: “I am not close to my mother as if you were with yours.”
That I have to do? Do I keep reaching out and getting angry inside, or do I speak and say something? I must add that my husband and mother are now at the point where they hardly speak on the phone. I hate being negative, but I feel very good about childish behavior! My children need a grandmother.
Upset north
Dear annoyed: Accept my sympathy for the loss of your sweet mother. That you and your children feel your absence so acutely is a testament to how special it was.
Unfortunately, you married someone who doesn’t have the kind of relationship you were lucky to have with your mother. All mothers and grandmothers are not the same. Her MIL seems to be unable to get on the plate.
Instead of continuing to contact her with expectations, you may be less angry and frustrated if you do so less frequently without interrupting her entirely. Instead, look around you and consider “adopting” a mentor for yourself who can also become a grandmother figure for your children. This is not unheard of.
A government-sponsored program, Foster Grandparents, provides a way for volunteers 55 and older to stay active in serving children and youth in their communities. For more information, go to nationalservice.gov and click on “Senior Corps”. Love is a gift that keeps on giving, and it works both ways.
DEAR ABBY: A while ago, my wife and I were leaving the grocery store. I was wearing my baseball cap with a US Navy logo embroidered on it. When we passed the table where the Brownies were selling Girl Scout cookies, I politely said “not today” and proceeded to cross into the parking lot.
The woman who was supervising the girls came up to me and asked if she could speak to me. When I turned around, he said, “We would like to donate a box of cookies for you and your wife in honor of your service to our country.”
Abby, I was very touched. I thought my heart would explode when one of the little Scouts asked me if I would take a picture with her.
I share this so that others know what it means for a veteran to be recognized by someone who says, “Thank you for your service.”
MARINE VETERAN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR VETERAN: What a sweet letter. The recognition was not only rewarding, but I’m sure those cookies were delicious. Although not all veterans feel the same way about being grateful as you do, I’m sure most do. Thanks for pointing this out to my readers.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
.
