The woman did not even suspect that she was suffering sexual violence: I closed my eyes and thought, I would hold on until the man was satisfied.

– Many associate the most commonly heard concept of violence with physical violence. What is sexual violence?

– It is any satisfaction of sexual needs with another person against their will. If one expresses a desire to have sexual intercourse and the other does not have that desire, intercourse occurs, it is already sexual violence. Closely related to this type of violence are several stereotypes about what is the “duty” of women in the family, what they should do, and so on. Even if the sexual relationship takes place at will of both, but something happens in love that one of the partners does not want and the other forces to do it, although not with obvious coercion, it can be treated as sexual violence. The partner can be translated by manipulations that are very difficult to grasp. Suppose a man wants more than sex during sex and starts saying that you are abnormal, not like everyone else, why don’t you want that, everyone does. A person doubts their choice and begins to think that maybe something is really wrong with me if others do. It is not a personal desire to obey what arises, but a desire to adapt to those others.

– How to deal with such a situation?

– In the first place, a person must recognize that he does not want it, that it causes him discomfort, and name it for himself. Until you realize it, you can obey, but when you realize it, you can resist and express your will. It should be borne in mind that when the partner uses manipulation, since he may threaten to leave, he does not need such a wife. So the first step is self-education and understanding of who I am in this relationship, if I am only fulfilling the desire of the other or if my will is involved.

– How to distance yourself from stereotypes about the duty of such a woman?

– These stereotypes are really very common in our society and we are still guided by them. As if it were the wife’s duty to satisfy her husband. Even the “I have a headache” excuse is stereotyped. It’s like a woman has to find a reason why she doesn’t want sex. It is not enough to say that you don’t want to. You must have an excuse. It is difficult to say whether a woman herself, without reading any self-taught books, without attending seminars, can realize that something is wrong. Information about it should still come from the environment.

– But sometimes, the information of the environment, the passage of some advice can worsen and will worsen the situation, right?

– If we look at women between 40 and 50 years old, they have mothers who are around 70 years old. These came from other value systems, when that stereotype was particularly prevalent, when a man was thought to have a right to such things, which we now find unacceptable. The women say during the consultation that they cannot tell their mother because she says: “You have to suffer.” But if we look at women under 40, that’s no longer the case, they boldly express their opinions and pay to defend themselves. Of course, women are still reluctant to talk about these issues. We often call under the guise of other problems and only eventually find out that there is sexual violence in the family. In psychologist consultations, clients tend to disclose these issues not during the first interview, but are reported last when trust is established.

– How common is such violence? How often do you approach him?

– If the whole other spectrum of relationships is good enough, it doesn’t even look like a problem. Women seem to rule out that perhaps it is their own problem, and a man has the right to ask, to demand.

– What are the long-term consequences of such violence in the future?

– If a woman experiences it constantly and does not realize it, as if she were doing her duty, her nervous system will never be so stable, she will never feel the satisfaction of life, without knowing it she will know that this discomfort awaits her. Sometimes women’s stories are really sad: “I close my eyes and think, I can stand, I will wait for my husband to be satisfied.” He asks for a meeting, she doesn’t want to, but she thinks she has that duty to fulfill, that’s why she suffers. Imagine the permanent state that they are? What is your attitude towards that sexual relationship?

– Apparently, it will take a long time to recover those emotions, right?

– Yes, it will take time. It is necessary to clarify the reasons why this is the case. It is possible that a woman has decreased sexual desire after childbirth. It often happens that there are disagreements with the couple in life, perhaps the home does not share, perhaps you have reached a stage where you do not accept your differences, perhaps many things happened during the day that caused tension, perhaps there was a lot little warmth, tenderness of the couple and then automatically there is no desire to be with him.

– Are the causes usually in childhood trauma?

– Many times the perception of sexuality comes from the family and influences the attitude towards what will be the sexual relationship with the partner. This makes it very important for parents to properly discuss this with their children.

– Apparently, not only women suffer sexual violence, but also men. Are there such situations?

– Yes, it is because sexual activity between women and men is very different. Let’s say men’s sexual activity is highest when they are in their 20s and 30s, women’s libido is low at the time, then everything changes, men’s sexual activity decreases and fades, and women grow up and they peak in 35-40 years. Then the sexual interest of women is greater. It is true that in my practice I have not had a man who has requested sexual abuse. I find it extremely difficult for them to talk about it.

– What if you suspect you are being abused, where to go?

– If we talk about brutal sexual abuse, even in the family, Lithuanian laws protect victims both in the immediate environment and in the immediate environment. The perpetrator can be prosecuted. Women have the opportunity to report to the police and report abuse. If it is a passive abuse when the woman herself doubts, a psychologist should be consulted. He will advise you, encourage you to talk about it with your partner.