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The psychologist and writer Ramunė Murauskienė and the relationship consultant Vaidas Arvasevičius discussed these issues on Žinių radijo’s “Open Talk” program.
“Without mentioning any conventions, let’s think about natural masculinity and femininity. We are already really “fed” by various theories, approaches to what it is. When I meet my clients “live”, their problems do not start with some really bad situations, but with the wrong attitudes, the wrong beliefs about how things should be.
(…) I will cite as an example a text by a foreign woman, widely traveled through social networks, about faith in her husbands. Hence an appeal to women. One of the phrases reads: “Inspire them in great deeds”, “Restore faith in yourself when you lose it on the battlefield”, “Stay faithful to the end, hope and hope for the best”, quoted R. Murauskienė.
She says those thoughts are fun to read because there can’t be any relationship without respect, but what about faith and trust?
“First of all, I’m not some kind of coffee grounds sorcerer and I don’t do all kinds of internal transformations, so as a psychologist, I can put it very simply. Inspiring another person for great work can be possible, but also impossible. It all depends not on who inspires, but on who is capable or not of doing a great job. “
According to the psychologist, if we ignore gender, then each individual has a mental capacity when they can or cannot do certain things.
“What does great work mean? For example, is buying an acre of field a big job? I practically already see my clients trying to inspire men for great jobs. It is a useless thing, so I teach both women and men, because there are mutual delusions, to see everything with transparency.
If a woman is unsustainable for food production, it may not work for her that she is not “silly” or false “silly”, but the situation will not change. If we say sexistically, “that a man does not grow from that place”, he is neither good nor bad “.
Ramunė Murauskienė
© Photo from personal album
In his opinion, the most important thing is not to go beyond common sense. R. Murauskienė also pointed out that Lithuanians were not taught how to start a family or choose partners, but for some reason they tend to quickly believe such romantic ideas.
“So we live unsatisfied and adult women cry because the man did not notice the new hairstyle. This is not normal, that is why I am talking about independent and sustainable relationships in which people must be autonomous if they want to stay healthy and for the entire family system to remain so. We can never “hang” the roots of our trust in other people, “emphasized the psychologist.
R. Murauskienė explained that all those texts on “inflate confidence”, “say”, “resurrect” deal with dependency relationships that sooner or later experience a fiasco.
“This addiction is normal in a romantic relationship, but in the long run it does not become essential. Wanting support is normal and not getting it is a reality. So, every mentally healthy person has to ask himself: “What should I do now if I do not receive the support of those closest to me?”
According to V. Arvasevičius, there is a lot of individualism at the moment, which is why families now establish their own stereotypes. If two people are psychologically healthy and realize that something is coming from their own imagination, childhood experience, or previous relationship, then they are establishing their own stereotypes.
“Let’s call it stereotypes or role distribution. If something is distributed differently than how we are used to blaming nails and cooking, who could say that it is right, right? If a family functions properly, if there is more positive than negative in it, if they find time to talk, if they find time for the children, if they find time for themselves, (…), then everything is fine.
We can expect support from another person, but not inspiration, we don’t do it for ourselves. Rather it should be a small counterweight when the other side is upset when it receives criticism from the outside and so on. I don’t think a hug hurts and that’s support, but it’s not addiction. “
Gender roles are cultural
According to the Relations Consultant, the distribution of gender roles in society is exclusively cultural and there are no biological signs that men and women have changed.
“Evolution doesn’t happen in such short steps, so there are no biological changes. Much is determined by circumstances and our civilization. If it were to suddenly change when something happened, men and women would quickly revert to stereotypical roles.
(…) It would be a completely different assessment of what a woman can and cannot do or what a man can and cannot do. So the man would definitely not take care of the children as he would have to chase the wild boars again with the head carved. There is no doubt that this is the result of an exclusively cultural impact ”.
V. Arvasevičius posed the question, if such an environment exists and people are adaptable, then why should the old roles that belong to the next era be pushed into the present?
“Let’s see what works today, because we will not push the ‘hunter’ into the apartment, who will go to IKI to buy bread with Nissan. It does not matter who will drive that car, male or female.
The thing is, some men and women are frustrated by this when, for example, women are forced to pursue a career and feel more in favor of a fireplace at home. Men can also feel bad if they have nothing to fight against. “
Vaidas Arvasevičius
© Personal album
This era, he says, brought different conditions and both men and women adapted quite well.
“If we take care that men’s masculinity collapses and they become very emotionally sensitive, hysterical, then we can think about it. Also, what kind of partner do men and women want. Clearly, stable, psychologically balanced and with men in fact, something invisible and unplanned is happening. “
R. Murauskienė pointed out that it is not the anticipated trust that is important in the relationship, but it is much more important to see reality.
Imagine that women who are beaten, psychologically abused or abused by their children, as simple things like refueling or when a man looks at children, amounts to heroism.
That’s why all that romanticism “fucks up” both a woman’s imagination and that transparency of seeing how she really lives. When it comes to gender stereotypes, the most important thing is to realize that there is a person first and that sex is only after that. “
According to the psychologist, solving difficulties in the family does not have to justify everything by the fact that we do it because we are women or men, but only by thinking that we are people first. Nor did he deny that, however, there are some differences between men and women and that, for example, more men should not be invited to work in schools.
“You can argue with me, but from the thought of a man, the word has to be easier or it has to remain as it was, but not worse. Sure, we can joke about how to control a man. If it makes life difficult for you, then your gender is unclear. “
When it comes to women who are said to wake up to housework and being with children, it should also be questioned.
“All those childbirths, the inconveniences of pregnancy are not very pleasant processes, but it is natural that we endure all this. As a result, we get a lot of jokes that men with higher temperatures almost “died.”
However, he emphasized that in general there are many emotionally illiterate people in Lithuanian society, therefore, regardless of gender, if you do not go out to live with the other half, then you should turn in different ways and not waste time.
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