Talking to Teens About Love: When to Counsel and When to Just Listen?

Child and adolescent psychologist Aleksandr Segal, a professor at the University of Mykolas Romeris, and Eglė Kislovski, founder of the GRL PWR program for girls, share tips in a press release on what parents should know and how to behave when romantic feelings of a teenager begin to manifest. extend or even terminate.

Warm relationships with parents are important to understanding love

Both interlocutors agree that it is especially important that children see a beautiful and close parental relationship in the family, since this is how the expression of love and a certain form of behavior are modeled. E. Kislovski, a board member and lecturer for the Lithuanian Union of Healthy People, who is raising two teenage daughters, says that the understanding of children’s love begins to form precisely from the visible pattern of parental relationships , behavior and mutual love.

“It is important to talk with your children about the qualities you need to start building a relationship. It is important for adults to look at ourselves, the relationships we have built, or if we can be role models for our children. It is important for parents to build a relationship that allows the child to open up, otherwise it will be difficult to understand when these feelings begin. It is an ongoing process and these conversations create a very close relationship between parents and children, ”says E. Kislovski.

According to a child and adolescent psychologist, parents can start talking with and educating children very early, and they should talk about love through everyday examples, in simple and understandable language.

“If a child grows up in a supportive environment surrounded by love, it is likely that he will not feel unnecessary tension, he should not be afraid to communicate with his parents, without this example he may develop an inappropriate behavior pattern, which can change his other side “, explains A. Segal.

Failed first love: how to behave with parents?

According to E. Kislovski, you should not laugh at the first adolescent relationship, because in this way you will only separate the adolescent from yourself. According to her, it seems that these feelings are going to last forever into adolescence, so once they are over it is very important to allow the child to experience negative emotions, without giving any advice, and just being around.

The psychologist A. Segal echoes her, who says that for adolescents, the first love means endless new things, the child will not always have self-confidence, so it is a great opportunity for parents to support the adolescent and improve relationships between them. .

“Often times, first love ends unhappily, so it is very important for a teenager to have someone to talk to so that they do not get hurt and survive the divorce successfully. Often, a child may want to distance himself from other people after Such a difficult emotional experience. The best thing is to talk to the adolescent when he comes into contact with himself “, emphasizes the interlocutor.

Sexual themes should not be avoided

E. Kislovski, who communicates extensively and with teens through GRL PWR initiatives, reveals that it is best to start talking to children about sex education as early as age 11, sometimes earlier. According to her, it is important not to talk about sex itself, but about the values ​​and qualities necessary for friendship.

“It is important that parents have the values ​​that they want to communicate to them. It is necessary to talk not only about the means of protection, but about what this life is, what must be created, what qualities to develop in order to create it with fullness and respect. When early sex begins, a misconception about sex life often develops. If parents don’t talk, children will definitely find someone to talk to, where to look, and these are often not the best examples that lead to serious problems down the road, ”he warns.

A. Segal also recommends starting conversations with teens about sex around puberty, entering adolescence, because then body changes occur that teens themselves begin to notice.

“It is important to emphasize safety, to talk about the fact that sex is not just about satisfying a physical need, it is also part of a romantic relationship. Girls and boys experience sex differently, so the more information teens have about it, the more prepared they are and the less likely the first sex is to harm them physically and psychologically. It is important to inform adolescents about the legal framework, because due to ignorance they can generate serious legal problems ”, emphasizes A. Segal.

Parents need not only talk, but also listen

When it comes to mistakes made by parents, Segal says the worst case scenario is when you don’t talk about love at all. According to him, the child should feel like an equal interlocutor in the conversation, because adolescents are characterized by self-centeredness and believe they know more than their parents.

“When parents listen to a teenager, they feel understood, they feel that they and their story care about someone. It is also important to talk with teens about the fact that friendships can develop into more serious relationships, such as: traveling together, living together, and starting a family. This is not always the case on this path, but the successful experience and overcoming conflict situations can strengthen the existing romantic relationship ”, emphasizes the psychologist.

E. Kislovski adds: “It is worth it for parents to listen to their children, and if there is a disagreement or something they do not like, it is not necessary to react immediately. We need to be able to find the language of love in ourselves and give them an example. In order to give love to a child, we need to have it ourselves. “

Both interlocutors unanimously agree that talking to teenagers about love is necessary and this topic is always relevant. Still, the key is not finding sensible advice or identifying emotionally, but simply listening to what the teen has to say.