How divorce can affect children: the psychologist has named the age at which the damage is greatest

Divorce is a major trauma for children

According to the psychologist, divorce is approached differently, in some cases children see conflicting parents, cold relationships and guess what it may end in, in others, this message is like a clear sky, when parents hide their disagreements from children for a long time.

“Whatever the path to divorce, it is a great trauma and a surprise for the children. This message causes fear, anxiety, insecurity, because not only is one parent lost, a model of a single family family, but also the permanence, security, part of relatives, friends, family traditions ”, explains E. Belanoškienė.
According to her, divorce affects children of all ages, but survival depends on the age of the child, the attachment formed, personality traits, support from those around him, changes in living conditions, awareness of parents, according to the press release.

For children, such stress has even purely psychological consequences.

“If the parents do not take into account the interests of the children and follow only their own principles, the trauma of divorce for the child is very great and the consequences last a long time,” explains the psychologist.

According to her, during parental divorce, younger children may have trouble sleeping, eating, bed-wetting, outbursts of anger, and regression at an earlier age. These children experience the fear of rejection, they want someone to surround them all the time, they are worried about the future, the fear of being left behind, and the other parent they left with after the divorce.

Children 7-10 years openly show sadness, anger, may begin to complain of stomachaches and headaches, learning problems, decreased motivation to go to school.

“Children experience fear of not being loved, rejected, they can begin to fantasize, lie, make plans to recover a lost father. The child, in order to understand the reasons for the divorce of the parents, blames himself for not being good enough, assumes the reasons for the divorce himself. Adolescents show anger, opposition or become accomplices and helpers of their mother or father, so they are too good not to cause even more problems, ”says E. Belanoškienė.

According to the specialist, the divorce of the parents affects not only the child himself, but also the relationship. Parents face children’s anger, accusation, hostility, disobedience to discipline, rules. The father, who left the family, is accused of not wanting to meet with him or communicate.

At what age is divorce most harmful?

According to the psychologist, divorce leaves a mark on the lives of all children, regardless of their age. Some researchers say that divorce is not as painful for preschoolers as it is for older children because their thinking skills are not developed enough to understand their parents’ emotional difficulties.

“These children are sad and still waiting for their parents to live together again. Meanwhile, school-age children and adolescents are more aware of the reasons as they observe parental conflicts, negative emotions, and are surprised by the The very fact that parents have chosen to be different.When there are doubts about divorce or the preservation of marriage in the name of the children’s well-being, it is worth thinking about what hurts children the most: divorce or living in an environment of constant conflict, ”says E. Belanoškienė.

Different effects of parental divorce on girls and boys

A child who has lost a parent of the opposite sex does not have the opportunity to learn proper norms of behavior with the other sex unless there are older sisters or brothers in the family. Therefore, at a later age, this can be reflected in the formation or maintenance of a relationship with a partner of the opposite sex, the relationship can be an ephemeral, casual and failed marriage, explains the psychologist.

“But regardless of gender, all children experience fear, anger, frustration, may blame themselves for the divorce, act as evaluators for parents, or feel the cause of parental disputes when parents disagree with the paternity. For example, girls become comforters, housewives, cooks, boys can try to assume the role of a father of a family, defend a mother, come into conflict with a father who tries to offend their mother ”, says Eglė Belanoškienė.

How to help a child survive a divorce

“When taking care of a child, parents should also take care of themselves so that the emotions that arise in the divorce process are not transmitted to the child. First of all, it is necessary to speak with the child a lot and openly in a language that he understands. about the current situation, even if it should be talked about every day. The child needs to be told as it is. It should be noted that both parents decided so. It is necessary to prevent the child from feeling guilty about the parents’ divorce, “he explains the psychologist.

Depending on the interlocutor, in the case of a child’s outbursts of anger, aggressive or destructive behavior, it is necessary to pay more attention and patience to the child’s whims and anger management. The child also needs help to wait for a meeting with his father or mother, he needs to repeat: “I know you love your mother (father) and you are waiting for you to meet (him)”.

E. Belanoškienė emphasizes that it is important to understand the child’s anxiety and repeat to him that although father and mother no longer love each other and cannot live together, they both love you, the children, and that this love is endless, endless, regardless of anything : “The child needs to repeat: even when I am angry with you, I love you because you are my son.”

The psychologist E. Belanoškienė comments on common situations after the parents’ divorce:

Situation # 1: The mother does not allow Twelve-year-old Saúl to communicate with his father, who lives apart after the divorce.

Divorced parents should ensure that the child communicates with the other parent, keeping in mind the best interests of the child. If one parent does not allow the child to see the other parent, it is possible to go to court to establish the procedure for contacting the child. The sun in this situation is potentially experiencing many unpleasant feelings both for the mother who does not allow her to meet the father and for the father who may have left home for another family. It seems that the Sun could manifest a desire or unwillingness to communicate with his father due to his age, but at this point we are already seeing a conflict of loyalty. It should not be ruled out that the Sun does not strictly express his desire to meet his father to please his mother. It should be understood that this situation harms the child.

Situation number 2: a decade after the parents’ divorce, Tom lives with his mother. Tom’s dad has another wife who doesn’t accept Tom, he looks at him unfavorably.

In this case, the father could organize meetings outside the home so that the negative emotions of the father’s spouse are not transmitted to the child. You can meet in public spaces, with grandparents and the like. The father could be advised to seek psychological help from his spouse to help her come to terms with the fact that the husband has a child from the first marriage with whom he wants to have sex.

Situation 3: After the parents’ divorce, Ben, aged nine, lives with his mother. Every other weekend she goes with her dad and stays there for two days. At Daddy’s house, Ben has more freedom than his mother; in daddy he can sit in front of the computer all he wants and eat all the sweets he can. When he returns to his mother, the situation changes and Ben is very unhappy.

It is a common situation in which the parenting styles of parents do not match, when there is a desire for one to be better than the other. However, parents do not realize that it is the child who suffers the most then. In this case, the child learns to manipulate, to lie, to get what he needs.

If parents cannot agree on the same requirements and rules, it is worth seeking the help of a psychologist, who will not only help parents harmonize the rules for the child, but will also advise on the upbringing of children. . I would also recommend parents to attend positive parenting skills training. They would clarify the importance of the rules, the delimitation and the equality of discipline for the child, his well-being.

If, after all efforts, the parents cannot reach an agreement on this matter, the assistance of the Division for the Protection of the Rights of the Child according to the place of residence can be requested to establish a recommendation communication procedure with the child.

The Civil Code of the Republic of Lithuania stipulates that all matters related to the upbringing of a child are resolved by mutual consent of both parents. If there are disagreements between the parents regarding the place of residence of the child, child support, the communication procedure, the court resolves the dispute of the parents regarding the child.