Confession of the unadorned motherhood psychologist: I was very scared when the old man hit the little girl and I hit her

I remember how today: I carry the baby in my arms for the second month. All the time. Set. Two months after birth. Day and night. Just sleeping on my hands, eating only on my hands (of course, breastfeeding), just waking up on my hands … And it’s not so easy for a sister of just a few years to understand what happened here and why everything changed so suddenly . Why can’t mom play ALONE with her NOW? Why can’t mom take that little screaming creature into another room NOW?

I don’t remember the exact day and the exact circumstances, but I do remember the exact moment when the “big” 2-year-old hits the baby, and I impulsively run towards her when I run. And then I’m even more afraid …

It was not very easy to fall asleep at night. I tried to find out what happened. I tried to stop the flow of self-blame and condemnation and I really wonder “what happened?” And “what can I do to prevent this from happening again?” That night, I realized the essential lesson of motherhood: I want to care for others; First, I have to take care of myself. Otherwise, in no way. When I managed to find free space out of self-interest, I clearly realized that when I’m so tired, there are times when I really couldn’t. I just can not. And it’s not about self-control. I can’t say to myself: hey, try even more, make yourself even stronger. It just doesn’t work. And that is completely useless. And when I start blaming or condemning myself … Oh … I use the last remaining energy for that. And if I can understand and empathize with myself: yes, today I have a difficult day (and not the first of its kind), yes, it is not very easy for my children either. And putting everything into you is very, very difficult … The moment when I can understand and accept my helplessness, my lack, my disability, instead of forcing myself to be able to do even more … That moment, a little, just a little bit both contribute. But in a difficult time, that little drop can save.

I know I’m not alone in that. As children, we all meet and touch the limits of our patience and possibilities very closely. A painful experience On the other hand, any major challenge also presents ample opportunities for growth.

By now, the kids are done, and when the man goes to work, he no longer says “well, stay, and I’m going to rest.” We take the children to school and travel to work together. However, I did take some lessons from that early motherhood, which were especially helpful at the time and still are today. I want to share them

Blame or responsibility?

Guilt is a luxury that I cannot afford. I don’t remember in which book I read that guilt is a luxury worth giving up. He was surprised, outraged, and, after a while, impressed! In fact, how often guilt is a substitute for the right solution. We feel guilty, we get upset, we despise ourselves. And here we can already give ourselves a “detachment”. We have already been punished and there is nothing more to tackle. Guilt formula: misconduct – punishment – free. In most cases, guilt is also a substitute for liability. Have you ever heard a similar monologue from my mother: “I am so guilty, so guilty, so guilty, and those little ones got me out of patience …”? These are also mirages of guilt. It is very difficult to feel guilty, it is a particularly painful and difficult feeling to lift. And at the moment when we no longer lift it, the coin turns and we find a solution: here I am not guilty, it bothered me! Finally, we can sigh more easily: we have received a “release”, we have resolved the internal conflict and we have relaxed from guilt, and we have shed our responsibility. And again, “everything you need is done.”

We often believe that guilt prevents the recurrence of misbehavior in the future. Still, responsibility and blame follow very different stories. In fact, I take responsibility when I really ask what and how I can do differently, not when I blindly and recklessly condemn myself.

The responsibility is to ask and decide, not to blame and condemn

I learned to really ask myself, “What can I do next time to prevent this from happening?” I learned to answer these questions for myself. I learned to accept what I did, will do, and will do nonsense. I learned to quickly forgive myself, make decisions, and move on. The sooner you forgive me, the sooner I accept my imperfections, the sooner I can resolve situations with children and myself. The clearer the possible solutions.

Taking care of yourself

The essential answer to the question of what can I do to prevent this from happening again in the future is always one: take care of yourself. It only remains to understand how important it is for me to take care of myself at this time. What is missing most now: sleep, good food, emotion, girlfriends, loneliness, movement, nature, domestic or emotional support …?

Conscious educational philosophy and clear strategy.

Knowledge helps a lot. It helps me when I have a clear vision of myself, how I want to raise children and why exactly. It helps when I can understand what is really going on with the child at that time. And, on the contrary, it is greatly hampered by attitudes such as “children must be obedient”, “the children of friends have been able to take care of themselves and their manners …”. “They do it on purpose”; “They manipulate me …”

And even when the forces are depleted and the unwillingness willing, all the child-raising folklore that I have seen and experienced in Soviet culture begins to flow in my head. Then, taking deep breaths of air, I have something to remind myself and what to grab like a buoy that prevents automatic reactions at sea from drowning. Knowledge helps to have a choice.

And it is worth remembering that we learn new things that are not in a state of stress and fatigue. So the only goal is to survive at the lowest cost and loss. We can learn when we “come back to ourselves.” Then we can ask questions, seek answers, information, training, books, video conferences, help, psychotherapy and everything we need to be with our children and with ourselves in the way we want, not just the way we automatically receive them.