Aušra Kurienė: no child was born angry

The psychotherapist notes that misbehavior may be caused by a lack of delimitation, but very often there is another reason: misbehavior indicates the child’s unmet psychological and internal needs, according to a press release. “It happens that parents turn to them when teachers complain about a child’s misbehavior or when they notice at home that the child is stuck, restless, sad, and maybe even angry. If a 2 to 3 year old has outbursts of anger, this is an understandable part of development, but if it is a 7 to 10 year old. and fits of anger are a common companion, parents should ask what is happening to their child, ”says A. Kurienė.

She notes that misbehavior often occurs when children experience setbacks. They cause extreme dissatisfaction, a storm of emotions, and the child feels insecure. “This is especially common for children who have lost their biological parents. The vast majority of adopted or foster children have experiences of insecurity: they have been bullied, abandoned. This experience requires a lot of patience and effort on the part of the adoptive parents. and guardians. First, they need to get to know a child who does not know himself. In addition, the trauma experienced is long-lasting: children can learn to trust people, but there is a high probability that alertness will remain Raising abandoned children is very hard work that can be very rewarding, but also very exhausting. There are cases where adoptive parents, guardians feel ineffective, powerless. Here I can only wish a lot of patience and understanding so that the feeling of security can grow gradually, ”says A. Kurienė.

“All children are angry, both biological and adopted or cared for. However, grieving parents have other psychological problems that parents have to work with. Therefore, we organize conferences of this type, we help solve problems, we try to find appropriate free services, check out. In other words, our goal is to help adoptive parents and guardians and show that anything can be overcome, while it tends to be easier, ”said Tomas Rimkus, conference organizer and director of the LT Association of Adoptive Parents and Guardians.

It is easier for children to say that they are bad than to name the real cause.

Adults seem to be able to consciously understand what they are missing and what they are counting on. But perhaps many of us have experienced situations where you do not know what you are missing, you are simply unhappy and cannot name your feelings. “When it comes to children, they are just learning to understand their psychological and emotional needs, they need help, sensitive and understanding adults to overcome this task. Children feel bad, experience a variety of emotions, and often express their feelings through inappropriate behaviors. The child will soon say that he is bad, not that he lacks love. The saddest thing is that it really does, “says A. Kurienė.

It’s easier to be patient in realizing that kids don’t have the goal of misbehaving

According to the psychotherapist, it is not necessary to expect to know the exact causes in each case, but only to think about what they could be, understand the child’s feeling of insecurity, help parents to abandon punishment and focus their efforts on greater security, tranquility , support, when a child faces failure.

“Children are not born angry or mean, and most importantly, misbehavior is unpleasant to the child himself. Like no other person, so does a child: he does not want to be unpopular, he does not want his loved ones to be angry with him , that his friends reject him. Inappropriate behavior is not a conscious choice and understanding it makes it much easier for parents to react with empathy to that behavior, “says A. Kurienė.

Turning off a movie for a kid is the same as an unexpected interruption for a basketball fan

Empathy, an effort to see the situation from a child’s perspective, is one of the ways to prevent misbehavior in the future and to cultivate a sense of security. “An example is a very common situation at home. The boy was angry that someone turned off his favorite movie. In our eyes, this is a rather frivolous reason, but it seems completely different to him. We would probably get the same reaction if we turned off big basketball games, series, etc. at home. This by no means means that children should be allowed everything, only sensitivity is needed here. You can tell the child that you understand that you are angry because it was necessary to turn off the video, but tomorrow will be a new day, tell or read a fairy tale, etc. Sometimes adults get angry or he feels uncomfortable and threatens not to have any videos tomorrow. when the child reacts in this way. Threatening does its job: the child is scared, feels even more insecure, impulsive, inappropriate behavior is even more irritated. Then a circle appears that does not stop, it seems that there is no way out. However, here you only have to see the cause of the child’s anger as worthy of anger, and it is useful to find words of comfort that help the child to remain in that insecurity, ”says A. Kurienė.

According to the psychotherapist, trying to understand the causes of misbehavior, reflecting the child’s feelings, strengthens the relationship. However, understanding each other becomes even easier when parents do not forget their emotional state as well. Resting in misbehavior makes it much easier to react sensibly, but when you’re tired, stressed, or failing, the path can easily be cleared with harsh punishments for the petty. “Here it is important to understand that taking care of oneself is no less important, because when it is difficult for a child, the parents, being closer to him, will be ready to help effectively”, emphasizes A. Kurienė.