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When my daughter was little, it took me a while to teach her to say thank you. As with all children. You just have to remind them of the matter, people are not educated by nature. It is a learned behavior, something you are socialized into.
I thought about it when I read DN’s interview with philosophy teacher Jonna Bornemark, where she told me how much her mother helps with children. She emphasizes that it is the mother’s decision, not hers. She “has no intention of falling into any debt of gratitude.”
Sweden is an extremely individualistic society. You have to fend for yourself, and if you have to get help, at least you shouldn’t feel grateful. The freedom of the individual above all.
For example, it is considered extremely degrading to expect refugees who receive shelter to feel grateful. Why would they need to do that? Obviously, we are a country that follows international conventions (much better than the others).
As one person mother, I personally get help all the time. I would never have made it without my parents, but also without friends, relatives, and sometimes strangers who notice. For me it is enigmatic why it should be important not to fall into a debt of gratitude. There is no blame. You help others because you can and because you are human. Anyone who gets help says thank you. As simple as that.
You can get help, or not get help, but to get help and at the same time say you don’t “mean” to end up in debt out of gratitude is missing something in general compassion. Gratitude is directed outward, not toward oneself. Saying thank you is seeing the other.
“It is enigmatic to me why it should be important not to fall into debt of gratitude. There is no blame. You help others because you can and because you are human.”
The French the word of thanks, Thank you, it can also mean grace. In russian it’s thank you spasibo, but you can also say blagodarju. Spasibo means “God save”. The origin of blagodarju is ancient Greek. It literally means: I give you prosperity (blago darju).
What you simply want to say is: I love you well.
All these words of “thank you” try to look beyond oneself. There is nothing that makes a person feel better than directing their attention to other people. Far from himself.
In Russian society does not exist the concept of debt of gratitude. The logic is different: you help me today, I help you tomorrow. Society relies on this type of silent agreement. It is not a debt, but a floating being, a current where it is assumed that everything will probably level off in the long term. Therefore, it is normal both to help and to receive help, to lend money to friends when necessary, that it is not counted who has offered the dinner and when.
On SvD, I recently read a question related to a dinner party, where the guests had given the host money. A guest wanted to discount the previous drink. The conflict arose. This is a debate that would never arise in most parts of the world, where it is normal that you, poor as you are, do not ask your guests for compensation if you invite them to dinner.
By the way, I am not against the swishand itself. It’s a good Lutheran habit that everyone pays for themselves, which makes it easier in many situations. But offering dinner and at the same time going with the fundraising network is a strange combination. Then it would be more logical to organize a party.
Of course it is not so that conflicts never arise in societies where you have a more generous view of tenders. Conflicts can always arise. People of all cultures can have different views on what is okay.
But overall, at least you lose by not being afraid to push. And above all, you should not be afraid to say thank you. Or be grateful. It’s a nice feeling.
