Wrapping up the annual Spotify is a passionate affair, which doesn’t match everyone’s mood this year. For more of us stinking, there is another option: a bunch of pudding that will do us justice for our crimes of listening to terrible music.
If you want to do it justice, you open the page titled “How bad is your Spotify” and you log in with your Spotify account. (It might take a little refresh on the “Loading your music library” page.) This absolute jolt of AI draws you in mercilessly while it pulls your playlists and top tracks. He asks you questions before he shows any results, in words, which gives the plain text the same impression that bullied me in middle school. Have you really heard of Clementine by Sarah Jaffe? (Yes) Ironically? (No. 3)
The final judgment comes in the form of a multi-hyphenated phrase, followed by a page of loose statistics (I’m obviously 24 percent basic). This stupid little computer program makes my Spotify hear a target-craft-beer-snub-wet-ass-bad-mass-jar-candle. And you know what? That’s right. I’ve heard a clearly impure amount of hosiery this year. Spotify should have wrapped up that I should be proud of, but I hate this year that I’m so sad and really busy finding new and exciting artists.
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The boat isn’t really that personal. It will ask everyone the same boilerplate questions in a snarky tone. But it still convinced me I didn’t know I was craving. Kinda sucks the taste of my music, but who doesn’t? Who among us does not like to hear such old tried-and-true songs, even if they earn the notoriety of our more hypocritical friends? Please join me on this journey of shameless shame, and have some fun in a well-earned roast.
