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Authorities have set limits on the number of people you can associate with at Christmas due to infection control. This can lead to difficult decisions and difficult conversations with family and friends.
Who will be able to celebrate Christmas together this year? And who is really going to decide that?
– We are herd animals who find comfort and joy in being close to each other. Now we must show consideration by doing the opposite. It’s no wonder it feels contradictory, says Dimitrij K. Samoilow.
He is a psychologist at Psykologvirke and is currently on the Havarikommisjonen podcast.
Samoilow believes that the consideration must first be to protect those who are most exposed to infection.
– It is possible to show affection and love by showing that you care, even if you cannot be physically present.
For many, however, spending Christmas alone is not an option. Pandemic or not, families will reunite for Christmas.
– How are we going to solve it if there are too many people at the table?
– Do not think so much about whether something will seem unfair to you. Instead, think about what will make Christmas the best for those who want to enjoy Christmas, says the psychologist.
Who should decide?
It’s a good idea to be less selfish at Christmas. But what if the family disagrees with what is best for Grandma?
– Should Grandma be allowed to choose for herself?
– You don’t want to put people in a loyalty conflict where they have to choose between their children and grandchildren. At the same time, you don’t want to make a decision over someone’s head, says Samoilow.
Advise other family members to talk together in advance and come up with some concrete solutions if the grandparents must choose.
– It is easier to discuss the matter when there are possible solutions on the table. We have to risk disappointing someone, and it can still work out, says Samoilow.
Family therapist Dora Thorhallsdottir, on the other hand, recommends bringing the whole family together in a so-called family council to find a solution together.
– Very few actually do it, but it’s magical when we do it in family therapy, he says.
Should children be given priority?
Christmas is often said to be a time for children.
– Should family with children be prioritized for Christmas celebrations with grandparents?
– Grandchildren and grandparents want to see each other. Perhaps these considerations are more enjoyable to keep in mind at Christmas, says Samoilow.
Thorhallsdottir believes that adults often create bigger problems out of situations that children don’t think about.
– We adults have expectations and we are disappointed because this year many traditions can be broken. Children are more concerned with the here and now, he says.
She believes that the most important thing for children on Christmas Eve is that there is a good atmosphere among those present.
Family therapist Dora Thorhallsdottir answers listeners’ questions on the “Relationship Podcast.” Here with his colleague Kjersti Idem.
Photo: Private
Discussions blocked
An argument with the goal of creating a good atmosphere on Christmas Eve can quickly turn into a conflict if they don’t know how to talk to each other.
– If you take yourself to start sentences with words like “you always do” or “you never do”, then you know that the discussion is going the wrong way, says Samoilow.
His advice to avoid conflict is to take a break from the discussion and ask yourself these questions:
- How have I contributed to the lockdown situation?
- What makes this difficult for me and others?
Experts agree that discussion can stall when both parties are unable to present their views.
– Take responsibility for how you handle your emotions and don’t try to control others. Tell them how you feel about yourself, rather than speaking for others or criticizing them for the way they react, says Thorhallsdottir.
It also means that you have to put up with hearing how others feel.
– Don’t be defensive. You have to be open to them reacting if they think your proposal is bad, he says.
Fair solution
Thorhallsdottir reminds us that we are all in the same boat due to the pandemic.
– It is important not to take it personally if you do not get what you want. It is not personal feedback or an evaluation of your worth, she says.
If this awakens bad feelings of injustice in you, then it is an opportunity to understand yourself better.
– Do you feel misunderstood or unseen? If so, what could be the cause of this? You will probably have to be honest about what is important to you, says Thorhallsdottir.
If the discussion is still stalled, you can always turn to a process that originated in ancient Greece: democracy.
– A fair solution is to choose the alternative that the majority wants.
