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When your teen thinks he’s tired and upset, there’s only one thing to do. Here is the best advice from teens for parents.
The worst is when parents try too hard to be cool, thinks Lovisa Helminen (14). Photo: Malin Hoelstad
This article has been published on Svenska Dagbladet. It is edited and adapted for our readers. Translation: Bjørg Hellum.
The child who just ran into your arms for a hug will now walk several steps in front of you on the sidewalk. Ideally, they won’t appear with you at all.
Don’t take it personally, advises psychotherapist Birgitta Kimber. Among other things, he has written the book “Beloved Damn Teen.”
Birgitta Kimber has spent much of her life with children and young adults. She is a teacher, psychotherapist and researcher. Photo: Model House Sweden
It’s part of youth to doubt, do your best, and let go, Kimber emphasizes. It also includes that they think too much with parents is embarrassing.
– Adolescence is a time when you have to orient yourself towards friends, the group, the couple and create your own life. It means freedom from family. As a parent, you have to be a little low. Parents should take a step back, he says.
– Embarrassing when parents talk like teenagers
She will also soon be interested in Lovisa Helminen, 15, from Rönninge. Parents should stay in the background.
For example: if young people are with friends and their parents are close, then they should not be close, believes Helminen.
– If parents have to say something important, they can send an SMS.
– Why is it so embarrassing for parents to get lost?
– Because you prefer not to think that you have parents, you want to look so big that you don’t need parents, says Helminen, who is in ninth grade.
She thinks the most embarrassing thing parents can do is “try to show they are involved.”
– If they try to talk like teenagers despite being older, then it is embarrassing and exhausting. It is good that you keep a little distance, try to appear as small as possible and do not start talking loudly.
Watch the video: “It’s embarrassing when my parents are sitting and screaming on the sidelines”
Get in touch with the teenager in the car.
Parents can find it difficult to know when to approach or talk to their teens.
But, says Birgitta Kimber, there are opportunities in the car, for example.
For example, you are sitting and driving, and all of a sudden you hear your teen tell about acquaintances who tried cocaine and wanted your teen to do the same.
So it is important not to react with an annoying “WHAT?”, Or to start commenting on what the teenager said. But, instead, show that you are listening.
Instead, you can ask later, “Is there something you said you would like to talk about more?” and then determine the time and place of said conversation.
Don’t tell the teenager what to do
Birgitta Kimber, psychotherapist
– Often when you, as a parent, have something important that you want to discuss with your teenager, you ask it as soon as you walk in the door. It just flies out of your mouth.
If you’re lucky, the teen responds, or disappears into his room with the words “I don’t want to talk to you.” Birgitta Kimber’s advice is to ask, “Do you have time for a few minutes?”
– If the adolescent says yes, they can agree on when to talk to each other and the conditions are much better for a conversation. In conversation, it is not about judging and telling the adolescent what to do.
– Why not?
– Because it doesn’t help them. Give them a solution if they ask for it. Young people can often get defensive just because they come up with a solution.
– Keep calm, avoid power struggles
She believes that the important thing is to confirm with words and actions.
For example: “I find this difficult for you. If you want to ask something, here I am. ”
Birgitta Kimber also states that as a parent it is important to be concise and clear in conversations with the adolescent.
– And above all, calm down. If you get angry, it is easy for a power struggle to arise and it is not good for you or your teen.
If we get angry, let’s change the topic of conversation, says Lovisa Helminen. Photo: Malin Hoelstad
– Just ask one question
Lovisa Helminen believes that parents should try to remain “pretty quiet” when they want to talk to their children.
– Don’t ask too many questions at the same time, it will be very stupid. You just get angry and don’t want to talk. It’s best if you take it easy and ask a question. And if the child is upset, they may be able to change the topic of conversation.
– Is it okay if your parents talk to your friends?
– For me it’s ok. I want my parents to have a reasonably good relationship with my friends, but they don’t have to talk much.
Don’t be overprotective, says Simon Anselmby. Photo: Private
Dare to let us go
Simon Anselmby (16), who is in his freshman year of upper secondary, thinks that parents shouldn’t be too “in” all the time. Neither in terms of practical situations nor of influence.
– If you are with a group of friends and they are going to pick you up, it is better that they are sitting waiting in the car. Otherwise it can be very stiff, he says.
He also finds it embarrassing for parents to be overprotective.
– For example, if you are going to go on a trip to eat something with your friends and then the parents say no because it is too late or something like that. It is important that they do not hold too tight, but that they dare to let us go.
