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How willing are you to bet on the future of the relationship? Exactly that can reveal a lot.
– Many bad conditions are almost incredibly stable over a long period of time. We are addicts. We adapt to the painful. And hope keeps us going.
This is what Sissel Gran said in an interview with Aftenposten in 2016. After more than 40 years of experience in the field of “love”, she shook her head when the journalist asked if she had the impression that people in relationships are they perform too easily.
“On the contrary, Gran replied.”
Because, as she goes on to say: People don’t like change very much and therefore adapt well to bad situations. “We get rid of it,” they say in northern Norway, but even those who live south of the Arctic Circle are good at putting up with it, even when we actually feel worse than good.
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However, it is not so difficult to understand why one is reluctant to end it. The breakdown of coexistence dominates the list of life events that make us sick, and psychiatrists refer to grief for love as grief that can be as painful, if not worse, than death.
And then all conditions go up and down. You have to put up with a bit of adversity and bad periods, coexistence therapists say.
But where is the dividing line between “bad period” and “time to end”? And how are you going to make that decision?
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200 would toss coins on the relationship
The authors behind the popular book “Freakonomics”, Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner, have challenged millions of people to think differently about different social issues and, among other things, address the benefits of giving up.
Levitt and Dubner challenge the established idea that one should never give up, even when the going gets tough and challenging, whether it’s work, renewal, friendship, or living together. According to the authors, it is precisely this mentality that is why we struggle so hard to make difficult decisions, because we are “trained” to never give up.
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Therefore, the authors conducted an experiment in which they asked readers to come up with difficult questions about which they would like to receive help in making a decision.
And the method? Yes, they would toss coins.
Over 200 asked the question: Should I break up with my boyfriend?
With about a 50 percent chance of “yes,” the coin told about 100 people to finish it. It is not known if all actually carried it out. But according to the authors, those who remained single after the experiment said they were very happy with the decision.
The doubt is devastating
The experiment is described in an article in Psychology Today by psychology professor Gary Lewandowski, the man behind the list of 15 questions that will be able to determine if your relationship will last.
Lewandowski himself writes that the “flip a coin” trick is, of course, a bit simple in itself, but he makes the following argument:
Research shows that couples who struggle to commit to each other more often end up breaking up. Also, we know that doubt is a destructive factor in relationships. Those who doubt the relationship when they marry are more likely to get divorced, according to a 2012 study.
And if you are willing to toss a coin at something, are you not really in doubt?
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Sometimes we toss coins to provoke the feeling. “If I get a coin, I quit my job, and if I get a penny, I stay,” people would say. Only when it lands on a coin do you know if you are happy or sad, and that way you get help to make your decision.
Lewandowski believes, however, that tossing a coin in the relationship is such a clear sign of strong doubt that you may have your answer there.
“After all, it’s not about whether flipping a coin is the most effective way to make decisions about your relationship or not. However, the most telling thing is whether you are willing to let a coin determine the future of the relationship.” writes the professor of psychology.
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Three factors
The crown crisis puts additional pressure on all relationships, but perhaps more on the relationship. The moving agency reports a higher demand from couples who have reached the end and want to go out that day, but only when the separation figures come in, will we see the result of covid-19 in Norwegian marriages.
This spring, we asked psychologist Andreas Løes Narum, a cohabitation therapist at Parweb.no, about how those who are struggling in the relationship can know if they really should end it or if they should stay in it.
– It is impossible to say it in a general way. I can’t find a definitive answer there, but we can look at some typical scenarios, which can help people see a bit clearer, Løes Narum said, describing three crucial factors:
1. Do you get your basic needs covered in the relationship?
In a relationship, one essentially seeks to satisfy two basic needs:
The need for connection, have someone who is there for you and makes you feel safe and needed Identity verification, that someone make you feel good and give you space to be yourself fully.
If over time you don’t feel like your girlfriend sees you, is there for you or accepts you as you are, something should change, says Narum.
– It is one thing to be alone when you are single, but it is much worse to feel alone when you are in a relationship.
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2. How invested is it?
Do you have children, a common circle of friends, a house and a car?
The more you have together, the greater the willingness to work to make the relationship work too. That being said, you shouldn’t be in a bad relationship for years just because you’ve bought a house together, so finding a balance here is important.
3. How long have you been trying to make the relationship work better?
If you’ve worked long and hard to improve your communication, it’s an investment in the relationship.
– I believe that people can change and I believe that many couples can save their relationship if they work for it and seek help in time, says Løes Narum, adding:
– That said, it happens that you have to realize that it will be too difficult. If you have tried properly, have tried to establish good mechanisms, but experience that you are not successful, you may need to break. It’s an assessment that one must do slowly and painstakingly, but if the bottom line is that the relationship will likely remain twisted and painful, they probably shouldn’t be together either.
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