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“Mia” clung tightly to the teacup.
On the wall hung a drawing of the kindergarten.
In front of her, on the kitchen table, is a stack of paper. Role that the child you have given birth is not only yours, but also his wife’s.
To get adoption papers, they have done something they never thought they would do.
If lesbian couples become pregnant through assisted reproduction in an authorized health institution, the mother’s spouse or partner can apply to be a co-mother. You cannot use a donor you know.
For lesbian couples who become pregnant on their own, stepchild adoption is therefore the only option. This week, a married couple from Bergen told about the rejection they received when a mother applied for the adoption of stepchildren. Therefore, she is not the legal mother of the children.
The danger of rejection means that some lesbian couples circumvent regulations.
NRK has spoken with several couples from different parts of the country who have chosen to lie to the Norwegian authorities so that both mothers can be the legal mother of the children.
Para will be anonymous, but NRK knows his identity.
Keeps donors a secret
For “Mia” and his wife, the desire to know who the donor was was so strong that they chose to lie to the Norwegian authorities.
They asked a gay friend for help and put the semen in their own home.
When the wife had to apply for the adoption of a stepson, they said they did not know who the donor was.
– If they had asked more, we would have said that I had gone to the city and got pregnant.
The stepchild adoption was granted and the donor now has contact with the child as a family friend. If they had become pregnant at an approved clinic, the girl would first have the right to know who the donor was when she turned 18.
– We believe that it is good that you have contact with the child. But he doesn’t want to be a father, he says “Mia.”
The couple say they did not take it lightly to give incorrect information to the Agency for Children, Youth and Families, but instead did it so that they both had equal rights to the child. They see it as a form of civil disobedience.
– It is very problematic and a bit traumatic for us, because we have never lied to the Norwegian authorities before. But the worst thing is that we lie to parents and friends.
Because the couple plans to have another child with the same donor, they have not dared to tell the rest of the family how the child came to be.
– We don’t want them to be keeping our secret.
THREE PARENTS: Friederike and his wife Luciane had children together with their friend Tore. The agreement was that it was the two mothers who were going to be legal fathers, but the children still have only Luciane as their legal mother.
Photo: Private
Different results
There is no overview of how many lesbian couples in Norway have used a donor they know, but FREE: The Association for Gender Diversity and Sexuality knows more. Some of them know that they have kept the donor a secret from the Norwegian authorities to ensure that both mothers become the child’s legal fathers.
Tenant Ingvild Endestad knows of donors who did not want to be a legal father, but who did. And children who are still awake with only one legal parent.
Endestad believes that it can have very unfortunate consequences when one of the mothers is not allowed to be a legal mother.
– In the event of a marital breakdown or death, a mother will be left without rights because she is not a mother on paper and, in the worst case, may lose contact with her child. A mother who is not a legal father can also simply run away from responsibility. Legislation is needed that truly cares for existing families and ensures the safety and stability of the child.
– Children have the right to know the father
The Directorate of Children, Youth and Family says they are aware that there are families who have circumvented the regulations.
Department Director Anders Henriksen writes to NRK that they are concerned about ensuring that children have the right to knowledge of their biological origin.
– This right is the background of the rules for establishing paternity in the Children’s Law and also for anonymous donation of sperm not allowed in Norway. The child’s right to know who the father is can only be more secure if she provides information about her identity to the Norwegian authorities.
Bufdir also believes that it is unfortunate that the donor is deprived of the opportunity to be heard in the adoption case. An adoption will also violate the legal ties that the donor has to the child and cannot be reversed.
– We have experienced that the biological father has signed a donation agreement with the child’s mother before the child was born, but after the birth he has still wanted to have a relationship with the child. The fact that one can change one’s mind is also the reason why parents cannot agree to adopt a child until at least two months after birth.
SORRY: Department Head Anders Henriksen says Bufdir knows families circumvent regulations by not declaring the identity of the donor.
Photo: Bufdir
Ask for a change of law
NRK has also spoken with another lesbian couple who have chosen to hide from Norwegian authorities that they know the donor. The donor has a family from before and did not want to be a legal father.
– We are married. If you are a heterosexual couple, the husband becomes the mother and automatically marries the father of the child, regardless of whether he is the real father or not. This is not the case for lesbians. We believe this is discrimination, say the couple.
A committee is now working on a proposal for a new and modernized Children’s Law. According to the plan, the Committee on the Rights of the Child will present the report on November 1. FRI has asked the committee to propose several changes to the law:
- Make it so called Pater Est Rules gender neutral, so that the person married to the mother automatically becomes the father of the child, regardless of whether he is male or female.
- Allow to use a known donor. FRI wants to be able to register in advance who will become a parent.
- Allow to be more than two legal parents.
Both couples that NRK has spoken to believe that the best solution would have been if it had been possible to have more than two legal parents.
– This also applies to those who grew up with stepfathers or other family constellations. For us and for many families, it would solve everything, says one of them.
