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When the couple had already decided they had enough of each other, when they began to create separate lives, there was a turning point: they decided to try again. A. Markevičius told the tv3.lt news portal how they managed to do it.
PHOTO GALLERY. The couple, on the verge of divorce, found a way to fall in love again
Dovilė and Arnas met at the restaurant in 2006. After a year of knowing each other, they became friends, and in September 2009 they exchanged gold rings and promised to be together, “when happiness accompanies or sadness diminishes, when health prevails. or the disease disappears. “
The man says there was a disagreement at the beginning of the marriage because it was different than he imagined before.
“I think that most couples have one or the other disagreement from the beginning, they don’t exist only when you are still in a state of love. Many books, movies, songs are about love and, in general, the whole world is very romanticizing that love. We often call love and love and hope that feeling will last forever.
Life is not what we imagine and eternal love is just one of our fantasies. When I began to research relationships, to study them, I was looking for people who had long-term relationships and considered them exemplary. I did not find a single partner whose love lasted forever. When people want to romanticize love, it gets really bad because people want to build relationships out of romance. In our case it was similar ”, he smiles.
If God did not give, it is not destined
Although there were disagreements after the marriage, Arnas made sure that the tension was due to the lack of money in the new family at the time. The man thought that if he made more money, everything would be fine and all disagreements would subside.
“It seemed to me that the problem was not the relationship, we were simply short of money. The tension in our relationship had already started when Deauville wanted to have children. In fact, I didn’t want them at the time, but my wife wanted them, the public pressured me to have children and I accepted. We started trying to have children.
A few months later, tensions arose that we were not receiving them, but we did not attack to blame anyone. We decided that we had to try for at least a year to say that we had infertility problems. Years passed and there were still no children, so we investigated and found that she could not have children. At that point, I felt even more tension in the relationship, ”says the man.
Then the wife began to tell her husband that she needed to seek help to have children, but Arnas believed that God did not give it to her, it was not destined.
“Now, from today’s perspective, I can say that it was just a great excuse to say no, because I really didn’t want to have children. Plus, he knew the kids wouldn’t save the relationship. On the one hand, I finally dared to say no, and on the other, it hurt Deauville.
At first, I didn’t even know how to react to the message that I was infertile because, like I said, I didn’t want to have children at the time. I had the opportunity to realize myself at work, there were a lot of people that I had to direct and that was enough for me at the time.
It even made it easier for me to be infertile. Looking at it from today’s perspective, I can say that I felt bad about Deauville at the time and did not want the children to be further imprisoned in that relationship, but I deliberately did not admit it, ”says Arnas.
New feelings scared me
Arnas says that the stage has reached where he has begun to “measure” other couples, that is, to consider how he would fare with one or another woman he met. And although at first he was innocent, but then the man was fascinated by another woman. Although at that time the spouses had already begun to distance themselves, that feeling scared the man.
“At that time, it was already a time when I took time to work, because it seemed to me that they did not respect me at home and they did not respect me at work. Deauville also started going on vacation with friends. Such were the steps to exit.
Finally, I fell in love with another girl. For me, it was like thunder from the clear sky because I had said that I would not repeat the mistakes of my father (he passed by the girls). He didn’t want to be unfaithful. I came up with what seemed like the perfect way out: breaking up and then starting a new relationship, ”says Arnas.
The man says that although he is tormented by not being able to build a new relationship, he just wants to be recognized after a while. At that time, he was often overwhelmed by the feeling that his wife did not respect him, despite the fact that he was such a good man: he did not drink, he did not smoke, he made money and he returned home. Only later did she realize that this was not enough for a good husband and a successful marriage.
“When the divorce started, there was a lot of dirt, epithets between them, anger. I started building new relationships, Deauville too. A very disgusting period began. I started not to be proud of myself and it seemed like everything was slipping away from me as the previous life began to unravel. I started looking for answers on what to do to make the new relationship work better, to understand what mistakes I was making in the past.
Separating ourselves, if we ask ourselves why it is unfortunate to be together, we find thousands of answers, which is why I made up the story myself of why we don’t need to be together. I downloaded an app to understand how to build relationships. Then I started to say that Deauville was doing both things wrong, but with more thought, I realized that I wasn’t behaving perfectly either. My wife and I are from divorced families, so I have not seen what the behavior of a happy man looks like, and she looks like a happy woman. Therefore, we did not know how to proceed, ”he says.
New beginning
After reviewing the tutorial videos, the husband sent them to his wife, Deauville. At first, the woman reacted rather stormy to the passing of that man, but then nonetheless she went over it and pondered it all.
“Although we had decided that we would not be together and we both had other relationships, Deauville offered me to go to couples therapy and I accepted. Just to understand our mistakes. It was about a week before the end of the divorce. The specialist asked us if we really wanted to be different. It got us thinking and we decided to try again.
We broke off our relationship with other people and went back to living together. We started to build everything not from scratch, but from the hole, because we hurt ourselves, we were also unfaithful. We were angry, at peace, cursed. It was the most difficult moment of our lives, ”the man recalls.
The man says that there were friends who separated in the “camps” and said they were there for this or that. There were people who did not support either. The same thing happened after the reconciliation. Relations with some acquaintances and the couple broke up.
“When we started applying, we were completely separated from everyone for half a year: we didn’t meet family or friends. We decided to go on a couple course for the teacher whose video course we watched. We bought flights to the United States and tickets to courses costing thousands. Of course, they didn’t solve everything. Reconciliation still took a long time.
We calculate the progress, how many days per month we get angry or less angry. We had come up with all kinds of unrealistic conditions for each other, for example, I said I would never want to have children and Dovilė agreed with that, even though he really did, ”says Arnas.
The husband smiles because after seeing the children later, there was an unconscious look at the wife when she saw the children. This is how she realized that she still wants to have children.
“I am grateful that at that time we could not have children because we had not yet discovered ourselves, we had not started the path of self-knowledge, we had not resolved the crisis in our relationships. Children do not really help to solve challenges, on the contrary, they only sharpen the senses, ”says the man.
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