The psychologist highlighted how to communicate with adolescents: a parental mistake causes a large part of the conflicts

Zita Aleksandravičienė, a psychologist with the Children’s Rights Protection Service, talks about (in) perfect adolescence in a press release.

– What is adolescence, what is special about this time?

– Today, adolescence is strongly “rejuvenated” both physiologically and psychologically: it begins at 9-10 years or, at the latest, at 11 years.

This stage raises many concerns, because many different processes take place in a child’s life at the same time: physiological, psychological, social. There are many changes in the body that do not always cause pleasant sensations: you may feel worse, your immunity may drop, your hormonal balance may be disturbed, and your internal organs may experience stress due to the rapid growth of the body. These, not always pleasant sensations, also cause or accelerate psychological problems.

There are also quite serious changes in the brain: new connections are formed, others are activated or disappear. Generally speaking, imagine a kind of teenage brain overload – it’s like a Lego building being dismantled but not reassembled yet. At present, it becomes difficult for a child to critically evaluate or predict the consequences of his behavior; it is the brain areas responsible for prediction, directionality, and determination that develop the slowest and most complex.

– Adolescence is further divided into several stages, each of which has a certain distinctive character. What are they?

– Adolescence can also be called an identity crisis, when there is an understanding of who I am, what my needs, my limits, desires and values ​​are. The entire period of adolescence can be divided into three stages.

• Early adolescence, or else the beginning. It begins at the age of 11-13 years. This stage is characterized by a decrease in interest in the activities offered by parents and behavioral difficulties arise.
• The middle, or peak, adolescence is 15 to 16 years. During this period, conflicts with parents appear to be programmed and emotional and behavioral difficulties are clearly experienced.
• Late or final adolescence. It covers an average of 16-18 years of life, but can last up to 21 years or more. This period is a revaluation of the advice and values ​​of the parents.

– Adolescence is equated with a period of challenges that both children and parents must overcome. What is important to know and understand?

– Adolescence is a time of change. It is not easy for the child to survive, and for the parents to react appropriately and maintain a close relationship. The relationship between parents and adolescents becomes like a roller coaster: one day they are their best friends, another, they ignore each other, and the third, they get angry without being able to find compromises. It is true that it is difficult to maintain a connection with someone with whom you build a relationship based on tension, fear, mistrust or lack of respect. Therefore, it is important that parents abandon prejudices and try to look at each problem, the conflict situation from various perspectives. Remember: a teenager may interpret the same situation in a completely different way from you.

Teenagers need loving and understanding parents, not perfect ones. It is beneficial for every adult to understand that true success in parenting is the accumulated body of knowledge and the constant movement toward respectful relationships among all members of the family.

– You mentioned that it is important to be in contact with the child. What advice would you give parents on how to do this?

– One of the biggest challenges in parent-child relationships is adults’ lack of respect for children. Sometimes parents forget that the adolescent already has a personality.

Talk. Talking with children is essential! It is important to know not only what to say, but also how to speak. For some, it is better to talk over a cup of tea, for others, to play sports together, for others, to travel together, so it is important to find the most acceptable way for everyone. If you still can’t communicate, stop being curious and be patient. You can tell a teen that you are concerned and would like to know what is going on, but don’t push them. The time will likely come when the conversation naturally begins to unfold. When communicating, refrain from criticizing: good – bad, right – wrong. Become a listener, not an evaluator.

Sometimes it happens that you cannot communicate in that way, so it is important to dare to go to professionals for help. They will help you assess the situation and find the answers you need. It is important to note that the whole family is welcome in the specialist’s office, because the common environment, communication, and conflict resolution methods determine the adolescent’s emotional well-being and behavior. Everyone must prepare to work and change.

– Communication is the key to a good relationship with the child. What’s so special about communicating with a teenager?

– When communicating with a teenager, don’t be afraid to admit your mistakes: neither past nor present. It can bring you closer, build trust, and help build an open relationship. Knowing that it was not easy for the parents, understanding that they also survived, felt similar, gives the child hope: it becomes safe to develop. It is true that, at first, the adolescent tends to check the limits of openness: whether he will be understood or not criticized, whether there will be enough time to deepen and understand his situation, or whether he will accept and support unconditionally. It is necessary to become a loving, curious, patient, grateful, flexible, searching, creative, forgiving, trusting parent …

– Teens tend to emphasize that they are no longer children. Should the rules be kept or should they be followed?

– Adolescence is a time when friends become increasingly important to young people. Don’t be fooled, parents are still important. The task of the latter is to take into account the needs of the adolescent, such as security, recognition, trust. It is important to realize that a teenager needs looser and more flexible rules, but they must stay and the child must understand what can happen if they are broken. It should be noted that a teenager is not yet an adult and needs limits to help him feel safe.

Two extremes prevail among adolescent parents: total control over the adolescent’s life or total non-interference. When parents take control, then it is necessary to obey or learn to lie cunningly; any opportunity for open contact is lost.

Another extreme, if the parents do not react at all to the child’s behavior, the same for us as it happens to you. In this case, when the child feels bad or is in danger, no one in the family notices. Another disadvantage of unlimited freedom is that when a child has no contact and conflict with his parents, it is not clear to him how to draw his limits. The adolescent does not have the opportunity to learn to get angry, argue, defend his opinion. And you must learn to follow yours when you do not want the same as others and not fail because of it. Everyone has to learn to agree, behave in their own way, get angry and find a solution.

– An almost crestomatic example of adolescence is the adolescent rebellion against parents. Why is it going up?

– Let’s understand, the time comes when a child has to separate from his parents. Naturally, this separation is mutually painful. During this period, the adolescent stops idealizing the parents. Start looking at them with different eyes. The adolescent falls into glasses of idealism and sees in front of him not very young, not very beautiful, often little knowledgeable people who carry the burden of the home, do not always know innovation, are satisfied with a small circle of friends. The child begins to look skeptical about what and how his parents live. Rejection and rejection reactions can even occur. At the same time, the adolescent draws his limits: he does not allow his parents to himself, he no longer shares what is happening in his life, what he thinks. It is difficult for parents to affect a teenager emotionally. Having previously known how to encourage or calm their child, parents are forced to accept the fact that it no longer works. When there is a personal drama in life, a teenage rebellion, a mood swing, all the usual ways for parents to cheer up and direct their thoughts no longer help. Therefore, during this difficult period, the adolescent must focus on himself or his friends.

The task of parents is to stay alone, not lose their minds and leave room for risk in the child’s life. Selfishly, for absolute safety, parents avoid opportunities for any child activities on their own. It is important to emphasize that the basic rule of thumb for teen parents is to learn to deal with their fears of children. Much more attention should be paid to ensuring that the relationship with the child is based on mutual trust and that the parents are the ones to whom the child rushes when it is difficult.

The psychologist has identified three essential rules that can become the key to successful communication with a teenager:

• When communicating, always share arguments about why you think, feel and behave in one way or another.
• Give the adolescent the freedom to decide and then discuss the experience together: what the valuable adolescent understood, learned, and what questions they had.
• Strengthen the connection by participating in activities that are enjoyable for the adolescent, encourage them to achieve their goals, and pay individual attention to doing something interesting together.