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Probably more than one reader could hear the phrase “poker” and associate it with a gaming table, cards, or money. However, for a Lithuanian woman who introduces herself under the pseudonym Nora Paukštė, this word means much more.
Poker not only gave the girl a temporary luxury, it also forced her to experience some of life’s greatest difficulties. The girl, who was friends with a poker player for several years, decided to share her experience with others, as she is convinced that it is worth talking about this addiction as loudly as possible.
It is true that she decided to do so without revealing her real name, but that does not mean that the experiences described in The Poker Girl’s Girlbook are less realistic. On the contrary, this book is so open and full of painful emotions that it hooks the reader from the first pages.
What does it mean to be the girlfriend of a poker player? Why do poker players call work, how can this addiction affect relationships, and what lies can a person make up to achieve their goal? We talk about all this and more in this interview with the author of the book “The girl of the poker player”.
I wish, first I will ask myself to introduce myself to readers in at least three sentences. What would they be?
Mhm. (smilesI keep thinking to myself what I might say in an interesting way, but frankly, I don’t feel anything special. Other than the fact that I love writing and now after my first book debut I hope to create even more and hopefully better. I already have ideas about psychological problems that I would like to explore in the future, so I hope that thoughts can also take physical form in creation.
At the beginning of your work, you mention that you come from a small Lithuanian town and wanted to ascend “at least a little higher than the gray mass.” Looking at your life from a current perspective, have you ever felt that Donat was “a little above the gray mass” for at least a moment?
I think for me, as for many, it was just a stage of youth maximalism at that time. I wanted to move up, be exceptional, achieve a lot in life both in terms of career and personal happiness. That feeling is completely normal and a significant proportion of people are motivated to pursue their life goals.
However, over time, material ambitions disappear and other values begin to be nurtured. At least that’s what happened to me, and that I would have felt at some point superior to someone else, thank God it didn’t happen.
Your ex-boyfriend Donatas – poker player. In the book, he used to say that poker is work. Do you think someone could do a job like this and is it really as difficult as your ex-boyfriend said?
I realize that for many people in the country, this doesn’t seem like a job and it didn’t seem like it at first. Still, those who do this professionally and are able to manage financial risk would think that poker is a job. I never thought it was easy, in my personal opinion, just repetitive and perhaps, to put it mildly, boring.
Sure, if from an economic value standpoint, you might not consider poker a job, but again, there are definitely more such areas in the world. The fact is, you need to get a little familiar with the life of poker before judging it, because I think there are still a lot of stereotypes in society on this topic.
At one point in your life, Donat and I lived in a luxury apartment, you wore elegant shoes. Do those luxurious material things turn your head quickly?
Looking back now, I would say, “Oh, now I’m alive with nothing, I would not agree, I would have given up”, but in practice, people have always wanted to live better. I am not an exception or a kind of ascetic, things can bring joy, after all, it is not for nothing that we live in capitalist times, when consumption is the main engine.
It is only with material things that it is already the case that you want to have more and more to keep that fire of joy inside. Perhaps not in vain, society is now turning towards minimalism and ecology: everything has become too much to satisfy.
The fact that your friend has gambling problems you noticed yourself quite quickly, maybe it took him a little longer to recognize it. Weren’t the problems in your partner noticed by those around you, friends, and your parents didn’t suspect anything?
I’m not proud of the fact that I kept my personal problems private from my loved ones, albeit with the goal of protecting them, but at the time it seemed like the only way to protect them. In Lithuania, people do not talk about their problems out loud, we are intimidated by showing our less bright side in life and this is not good in my opinion.
Publishing this book was an extremely difficult decision for me because when I dare to speak about it, I still feel shy and doubtful today. Oh, and why shouldn’t I? I don’t even doubt that after reading someone, it will turn out that I was stupid, blaming myself, etc. Oh, and I have no excuse, every decision to be or not to be together – I made myself.
What problems have arisen over time with the game?
As someone who has become more familiar with the problems of addiction, I think the problem is not homogeneous. All areas of life suffer from addiction: relationships, social life, careers, emotional health, but recovery is not easy.
It is hard work on yourself that requires effort and dedication to move on, to forgive the mistakes of the past. We are all wrong because we are simply human, as banal as it may seem.
“Unfortunately, if I could go back in time, I’d better not tell some of them.” – you write about friends in your book. Why wouldn’t you tell them anything?
Talking about your problems is not easy, not even with friends. People change, move away or, on the contrary, get closer in life. Sometimes you can open your heart and remain misunderstood, and sometimes it is easier to talk. However, it is very important to find the right people to trust: for some it may be a psychologist, for others it may be parents, friends, neighbors or a priest. Difficult topics require an attentive and non-judgmental listener.
So why did you decide to write about your experience?
Because I wanted to speak and find that attentive listener who became a piece of paper for me. Writing made it easier for me, it was a form of my therapy because I was able to clearly identify my feelings during a difficult period in my life. After writing everything in black and white, I didn’t want to stop thinking that I was not alone.
There are many people who suffer from addiction and it does not matter at all if it is alcohol, chocolateism, gambling or drugs. I also wanted to emphasize that not only the one who is addicted to certain things suffers, but also the loved ones who are around and see it all day.
The longer you became friends with Donat, the more lies came to light. Why didn’t you dare to leave that person?
A relationship between two people is complicated. When viewed from the side, one can never see the whole picture of what is happening in the hearts of other couples. It would be easy to live if everything were black or white, but life also brings other colors. In my book, I describe painful experiences because they were important and sensitive to me, but it is also true that there were many joyful moments that made up for the pain that was.
“Be strong”, – I told you then. Where do you think that strength of yours was when you didn’t give up and boldly tried to move on?
Women are strong, often much stronger than they feel at the time. Looking back now, it’s weird to me too, but in that moment, a lot of coping mechanisms appeared that helped me keep going. Even after the darkest night, a bright morning always comes. In that, for me, a beautiful life even with all its dark nuances.
How are you living today? Do you feel stronger after past experiences?
Of course, I feel stronger. Now I really have more empathy and understanding of what other people might be feeling. I learned to value more than money, because this experience has taught me like never before that material things in life can be extremely temporary. Also, this experience made my dream of writing come true. I always wanted to become a published author and I was able to, even if I didn’t think I would have to write with a nickname.
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