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As Dad Rimvydas writes in the letter (name change), his “decade is constantly ringing, rebelling and his most common words lately:” I won’t “,” I don’t want to “,” I won’t go. “Say what we say, everything is wrong, not right. The child seems to behave against what is said, as if he is testing our patience. Sometimes we think that we are raising a rebel. It happens that without enduring it, we break it in a high tone and it We threaten. Why are you doing this? Give advice on what to do and how to control yourself without hitting your child. “
These situations are often followed by conflicts with dire consequences: loss of trust between parents and children, lack of honest conversation, understanding and support, according to the press release. Child rights professionals understand that it hurts parents when a child speaks out and does not do what they are asked when they respond harshly to the request, but above all, they advise knowing the causes of the rebellion.
Laura Kmitė, a psychologist with the Mobile Team of the Klaipėda County Child Rights Protection Division of the State Service for the Protection and Adoption of Children’s Rights, comments on the situation in more detail:
It is not the purpose of unruly or otherwise abusive children to specifically anger and annoy parents or other family members. It also happens that the child does not perceive and cannot name how he feels and why he is behaving inappropriately. Very often, child abuse goals are related to emotional and physical needs.
Give your child quality time and honest attention
Generally, children tend to object to their parents when they lack parental attention. This means that children lack physical contact, a close emotional connection, so they strive to be the center of parental attention in every way possible, striving to be loved, important, and notorious. Especially between brothers and sisters, there is a feeling of injustice or inequality when parents pay different attention to their children. In such cases, it is recommended to allocate time for each child with each parent separately, that is, allocate individual time to the child. In cases where there is a child in the family and he or she often does not give the parents peace of mind, it is also important to agree on a clear time when the parents can provide individual attention. Children need free time.
Especially younger children have no patience and want everything here and now. In such cases, parents can inform their children by saying, for example, “I am currently busy, but when I finish (name what activities you do and why it is important to do them), I will take the time / play with you.” It is very important to keep your promise. If, for some reason, the parents cannot fulfill their promise, it is better to inform the child of the reasons for this and discuss the next period of stay. Such cooperation and equivalence makes the child feel heard and loved.
Helps identify fatigue and eliminate it
Another common cause of disruptive behavior is fatigue. When a child is tired, he tends to pour out his emotional state on those closest to him. In this case, it is recommended to help you name the condition, for example, “I see that you are tired at the moment and you get angry quickly from tiredness, you get angry, you do not follow our agreements, how can I help you at this time?”
Help you understand why and how you feel it works like a lightning rod when struck by lightning, but you should not be fooled: a lightning rod will not be enough. Each case will require patience and resources to teach the child to recognize fatigue and eliminate it properly. Parents are advised to find out together with the child in what ways they help children to relax and unwind. If a child asks for a tool that could only further strain the child, discuss when to use that tool.
Encourage the offspring to manage themselves
Often the cause of conflict between parents and children is the problem of children’s independence. In this case, either the children lack autonomy due to the parents’ efforts to do everything for the child (with the best incentives) and the child uses and reclaims the parents when they are asked to do something, or the children they rebel to gain independence beyond their age.
One of the first independence skills arises when children begin to want to drive. That stage comes when the children themselves don’t really know how to coordinate their bodies and their housework seems like a mess or a mess. When promoting a child’s independence through household chores, it is very important not to correct the child’s “order” for himself and to encourage him for the result, even if you are not satisfied with the result.
Later, as the child grows older, more can be taught and encouraged to take on more complex household chores. A simple skill like cleaning not only develops the ability to take care of the environment and oneself, but also develops the will to do boring or less pleasant things.
Let the child decide how to spend his free time.
Similarly, autonomy can be developed by giving children the responsibility to spend their free time. Modern children are used to a variety of entertainment and activities, usually organized by parents. As a result, having children with free time is a claim on parents because they are bored and have nothing to do. Bored children are initially extremely irritable, intolerant, demanding, and fail in their duties. By articulating patience and directing children to the fact that this time is theirs alone and it is their sole responsibility to decide how to spend that time, children’s creativity, communication skills, and independence develop over time.
So once you recognize the cause of a rebellious child’s behavior and help him develop his emotional intelligence, don’t be surprised that it will take time to achieve the desired result. By consistently using agreements with children, taking their views into account, and incorporating them into family life, children have a unique opportunity to feel needed, important, and loved. Parents also feel calmer, safer by using a clear communication structure with their children.
Dare to seek professional help
Child protection specialists advise parents not to be afraid to seek the help of a psychologist when they feel that they are no longer in control. The latter can provide professional help by monitoring the situation from the outside, paying attention to both the specific behavior of the child and the reactions of the parents, attitudes in case of the child’s behavior problems, and refining possible solutions together with the family members. Parents often know the answers, only they need to be clearly identified and encouraged to make changes, to change their own behavior.
We remind you that physical pain is intolerable, it cannot be an educational tool. The child has no opportunity to defend himself. The use of physical action against a child causes great harm to his psychological state and future, since later, when a child comes to kindergarten or school, he can also be violent against other children. Even parents of minimally abusive parents or parents who feel they can do it without self-control are encouraged to attend parenting skills courses.
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