Simple advice from a true alcoholic: rolling down doesn’t stop until you correct a mistake

We feature a candid and open conversation about alcoholism and the possibilities for healing with John, a member of the Society of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

– When did you start having alcoholism?

– When, I can’t say exactly. I have not admitted for a long time that I have a problem. I gradually plunged into the swamp of alcoholism, without thinking about it myself. In my youth, I didn’t really think I was drinking too much. It has already been accepted, during the holidays, to drink in the company of friends. The irregular movement of the glass did not prevent me from starting a family, starting my own business. I had it all: a wife, two kids, my own profitable grocery store. I lived a good life, there was no shortage of money. There seemed to be more and more opportunities to celebrate.

Still, I felt a constant tension at work, for which I was to blame. I couldn’t keep records of merchandise, keep order. I lived all the time feeling guilty for not doing everything honestly, it gnawed at me from the inside. Alcohol helped me to see everything more casually, less concerned about everything. I remember drinking if the work day was good, when it was bad, I was even more intoxicated. Alcohol helped me forget, relax, look at everything “through my fingers”.

Over the years, I started to feel more and more dizzy. For me, everything was “yin”. Sometimes I think, and I go to the sea with my friends, leaving my wife, children and unfinished business. Sometimes I would come home the second or third night, lying to my wife where and with whom I was. Finally, his patience ran out and we broke up. I left home for my wife and children and went back to live with my mother. Then I drank every day. I felt alone, no one needed it. I was to blame for that myself, but then I didn’t realize it. I blamed everyone, not myself, and kept telling myself that if I wanted to, I wouldn’t drink. I need – I’ll stop.

– It is real? Did you manage to stop?

– No, I keep scrolling down. It is true that in almost sixty years of life I was taken to the doctor twelve or fifteen times. While I was still living in the family, my wife treated me for the children. I went longer without drinking for a year or two, and then went back to my old habits. After a while, the so-called “codes” started to stop working.

– What are the most horrible experiences of the time when you drank a lot? You can say

– I remember drinking non-stop all week. There was a shortage of money to meet constant needs, so I began to drink drinks from my store without paying for them. I drank and distributed beverages to the same alcoholics as I did when I wrote the debt receipts. Clearly, no one paid me those debts. All of this led to bankruptcy. That’s what happened in the end: there was no merchandise in the store, I couldn’t replace it, I had nothing, I spent all my money on alcohol. Mom started asking for money. I hit the full bottom. Finally, she couldn’t stand life with me, two days before St. At Christmas, she moved in with my brother. I was left alone.

– What did you experience if you were left alone?

– Then I started drinking “black” out of sadness and disappointment in myself. There was nothing I could do, I served every day. Alcohol no longer calmed me. I started to be afraid, I do not know what myself. Sometimes he slept by the open windows, the next night he was scared and slept with the lights on and the windows closed. The tremors tormented me, I began to think about death. I added fools, tried to kill myself, got to the bottom.

– You haven’t drank for more than a year, how did you do it?

– Helped an older son. Forced treatment. I didn’t think rehab could help me then, but I knew that if I continued to spend my days as before, it wouldn’t end really well. So I spent a year in the Caritas Dependent People Community of the Archdiocese of Vilnius “Aš esu”. A strict schedule, the word of God, group activities, and a 12-step program helped me improve. The truth is not immediate. For the first three months, I thought everyone was crazy here, hugging each other, telling each other the most embarrassing life stories.

My opinion changed when I heard a story from an alcoholic: he has not been drinking for fifteen years. So I thought, if he can, why can’t I? I began to delve into myself: with the help of the professionals who worked there, I explained the flaws in my character, I learned to control anger, fear, I looked for the reasons that led me to such excessive consumption of alcohol. I finally realized that I was to blame for such a residence. I ended up blaming others for the mistakes I made. I realized that the most important thing is to heal the spirit. I forgave myself. When the spirit began to heal, both the body and mind recovered.

– He recently left the community of dependents of the Archdiocese of Vilnius Carito, currently living alone in a rented bedroom. Not tempted to revert to old habits on your own?

– Raised once. Then he managed to resist the temptation, but it was not easy. Then I thought to myself, I was about sixty years old, I had been running all my life in the wind, I would no longer form a second family, I would always feel alone. The son sometimes calls or visits, but lo and behold, the connection with the daughter is cut off. And I have nothing of my own, “I drank everything.”

This perception awakened the desire to drink, to suppress the thought, but then I realized that I would not solve the problems in this way, I would add more to them again. I spent that day saying I would drink tomorrow, I would still wait today. I spent more time, as the Archdiocese of Vilnius taught in the Caritas dependent community. I endured that day, the next too. The urge to drink disappeared after attending a group session with Alcoholics Anonymous. And now I attend classes, they strengthen my will, they motivate me.

– Is it possible to be an alcoholic and drink soon after, or drink very rarely?

– Impossible. I believe that for an alcoholic, the saying “drink less, drink more in moderation” will one day end in tragedy.

– And how do you deal with social pressure? Many people drink and you don’t. What do you respond when they offer you a drink?

– Family members never offer me. To people who don’t know me well, I say, “Thanks, I’m already drunk.”

– What are your main plans now? How do you plan to hold on to life?

– My main objective is to be healthy, because this disease is for life. I want to continue attending group classes, reading God’s word, living a 12-step program, looking at life with sober eyes. I want to keep working, keep my job. Every day I want to get up, thank God and live without complaining about how bad things are and that not everyone understands me, without asking myself what will happen in ten years. My goal is to live in this day.

Priest Kęstutis Dvareckas, the head of the Caritas dependent community of the Vilnius Caritas Archdiocese, who has been through drugs and prison, says that anyone who wants to look at life with sober eyes is welcome in the community: “ people addicted to gambling. “

According to K. Dvareckas, one in two people who have completed community rehabilitation overcomes addiction. Still, the road to recovery is not easy.

“We really have a lot of rules in the community. The main ones are: not to use any psychoactive substance, not to use psychological violence and, even more so, physical violence, participate in all program activities, leave the community only in exceptional cases, – says the manager.

– The rehabilitation program itself lasts for approximately 6 months, after which the person is invited to continue treatment and recover in the reintegration program. If a person spends most of their time in the community during rehabilitation, they are already searching and then walking to work during reintegration. Going home more often is allowed. This part of the program has an average duration of another six months. “