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– Your first book was born in the face of oncology. Writing at that time was a salvation, an escape from reality, a way of accepting that reality?
– Yes, I wrote a diary that I was going to leave my son if he ever had to leave the scene of life before and did not know his mother, how she was and why everything happened and ended. It was also a great psychotherapy: I advise everyone to keep a journal when they are in extreme situations and not only because the thing named, the feeling, the feeling becomes clearer, the fear somehow diminishes, a light is seen by end of tunnel.
I didn’t think of posting “One Breast Story” at the time, only to receive an offer later to share my story with other people. And this story is not about illness at all, it is about life and love. Unexpectedly, the young people also read the book to me: eighteen-year-old girls, who do not have similar medical histories in their relatives, always come to me during fairs and meetings, but they say that this book has given them direction, encouraged them to look otherwise, it has infected them with optimism, it has helped them. the blackest moment.
I never thought that men would read it, I was afraid, because such a topic, I think there will be a lot of tears and feelings. However, men read “One Breast Story” too, and not because their loved ones face a similar illness. One of the most beautiful compliments to me was from a famous person: every man has to read “The Story of a Breast” if he wants to understand how his wife feels and thinks, not only when she is sick, but also when she is alive. And another young man said it was a motivational book that helped him discover a new career.
So I can’t really be mad about her illness, that she had to sacrifice a lot, but she taught me a lot and she probably became a writer because of it. I always wanted to be her, but I never dared to make my dreams come true. So life lost its disease so it wouldn’t wait. Because to make dreams come true, as I wrote in my last book, The Lipstick Sermons, there are only two occasions: now or too late. So let’s not delay them too long.
Personal file photo
– You have been diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. They’re monitoring you by now, do you have to investigate from time to time? Does the disease not allow you to forget yourself? Is there still a fear that the disease will reappear?
– Several years have passed since the disease, so no one is looking at me. Honestly, I try to monitor my health carefully once a year; it is necessary to do it even without any medical history, only prophylactically.
Illness does not allow us to forget ourselves in both a good and a bad way. The good thing is that it allowed me to understand how short and fragile life is, so I learned to live every day, without delay, without expecting great happiness, and creating it myself. Happiness is a type of muscle that, like muscles, is produced during training.
The downside of the disease is physical scars, which provide physical discomfort and even restrict freedom of movement. With my right hand I can’t do much, I can’t carry more than a couple of three kilograms. On the aesthetic side, I will not expand because I have accepted it a long time ago, but that physical disability puts more pressure on me than the loss of breasts.
Am I afraid the disease will return? I am philosophically, it will be as it should be, and if I am destined to drown, I certainly will not die from a fallen brick, as I cynically joke on this subject. But of course, every vague runny nose or stab in the chest first triggers the thought, “Or maybe it’s him again?”
– Was the fight against the disease difficult? What helped you the most to stay?
– I was 35 years old, there were almost no cases of cancer in the family, so after grabbing a lump in my chest and panicking for a few minutes, I went to the doctor with a completely calm heart, believing that it couldn’t be.
Initial research showed it to be the simplest cyst, but somehow intuition whispered not to calm down. I went to another doctor and found out about the same diagnosis. And I don’t know why, but intuition said not to calm down, a month later I went to the third doctor, who told him that he would probably send me to a psychologist like a hysterical woman in search of a disease. Unfortunately, a week later, he put me on the operating table, not on the psychologist’s couch. And it has detected a very early but aggressive Her2 cancer, which most often affects young women and tends to metastasize, so it must be subjected not only to chemotherapy, irradiation, but also to modern biological therapy.
The disease has helped me come to terms with the fact that the body, its beauty and strength are so temporary. And everything happens. And that is not you. Because you are more than physical data, the number of breasts. You are your love and hunger for life.
The treatment lasted a year, I lost my hair, then I decided to donate my breast as half of the doctors were in favor of breast preservation, the other half was for mastectomy, and my goal was to survive, raise a child and enjoy a lot more in life. Therefore, all means were suitable to fight an aggressive enemy, mastectomy as well. My husband was also involved in making this difficult decision. I immortalized my beautiful breasts (can’t boast, but they weren’t really bad) in a ceramic bas-relief created by artist Jūratė Neimantienė before the operation. We laughed a lot before taking impressions; I describe everything in the book. The humor and attitude that life is a game, and nothing is worth taking seriously, has helped me get through that rather difficult period. Which, the good news for all those who are sick and experiencing the “joys” of chemotherapy, is happiness, forgotten, although at that moment it seems that you will not forget such horror in your entire life. It helped a lot that my friends and family did not see me as sick, they did not forgive me, they did not dramatize the situation, they gave me many pleasant surprises.
– The book The Story of One Breast helped other sick women to see the disease a little differently. Wasn’t the idea of getting involved in what patient organizations continue to save them, and maybe themselves, something?
– While I was ill and for several years after the illness, I actively participated in public activities, I fought for the availability of modern biological therapy for all Lithuanian women and I succeeded, I participated in various international projects against the reduction of cancer stigma. Now, so many years later, I do not want to constantly remember the disease. And my book “The Story of One Breast” and the performance based on it with the young director Tragic Destiny Artūras Žukauskas and the actress Egle Mikulionyte were like saying goodbye to the disease, with active activities, such as inheritance, moral support, a virtual guide to through the disease and a virtual girlfriend near them, who will still have to face this diagnosis, their relatives.
– Why do you think women postpone the control of their health?
– Women are like cats: a very resistant creature with many lives and constantly falling on all fours. Therefore, it still seems to them that everything will be fine, that now is not the time to rush to the doctors, that we still have to take care of the family, the children, the work or the garden. I was one of those workaholics who doesn’t complain about health and doesn’t even have a GP because I was almost sick. As I was too young for breast cancer, as all the doctors said, even though I was younger now, they checked my breasts in front of a mirror and once a year I went to the gynecologist; it was my only concern for my health that saved me. Now I go to inspections like a war: unemotional and morally ready for what will be, will be, I try not to create a script in advance and not scare myself or my loved ones.
– How has your life changed and how has it changed since you contracted cancer?
– The disease has taught us to delay life. The perception of one’s own mortality and temporality helps a lot in life. Because you realize how much has not yet been experienced, it has not been seen, it has not been done, it has not been loved, and time passes. How much Venice do I have left? I don’t know and I don’t want to know. Every fall, for at least a couple of days, I escape with my love of all to Venice.
If it weren’t for cancer, I probably wouldn’t have opened up and learned to live. He would not have written the first book, The Story of One Breast. And perhaps he would not even have had the courage to drop everything, go to France, set up a gallery there and start writing other books. I always wanted to be a writer and have my own gallery, but I always feared that I would not succeed, which no one needs. Illness taught me courage: I became a fearless Amazon.
The disease also helped to come to terms with the fact that the body, its beauty and strength are so temporary. And everything happens. And that is not you. Because you are more than physical data, the number of breasts. You are your love and hunger for life, it is the books you read and the music you listen to, it is your character, laughter, humor, the ability to bear life’s difficulties, the ability to be a real person, a friend. And when I am told that men abandon women who lose their breasts after surgery, I can say that I even know of some cases where a woman just accepted the love of her life and married a man right after having lost the breast and even had cancer multiple times. . And if a man decides to leave a woman when there is such a situation, believe me, he still would have left her one day, due to his younger, more beautiful and lighter character.
Personal file photo
If it weren’t for the illness, I wouldn’t have thought of a quote for my book, The Story of a Breast: “Living and drinking life in big sips, all that it offers you: sadness, joy, reunions, and loss. Realize that life has no meaning, there are only very fragile life necklaces, which consist of short happiness beads and unfortunately longer or just longer distress beads. Living is the meaning. Another question is how? But here it is: the art of living, which we all learn “. Now this has become my motto: living is meaning, another question, how?
Now I go to inspections like a war: unemotional and morally ready for what will be, will be, I try not to create a script in advance and not scare myself or my loved ones.
– What would you say to women with the disease?
– We will all die. Yes, some will have to leave earlier than planned, but it is impossible to fight that. As a Brazilian friend in his forties said, if I had to get off the stage a little earlier than planned, then I want my life to be as salsa and rumba as possible from now on, I want to try everything and live what remains, yes, that he would not spare a moment when he died. And you know what you’re talking about, because in the last five years, cancer has already returned three times and has been successfully expelled from your body, albeit at the cost of great effort and physical sacrifice. Although she has a very high probability of dying, because the disease can strike again and with increasing ferocity, this woman is a walking joie de vivre, and that breath of death gives her a wonderful need and the right to drink. life in big sips, enjoying the daily life of what we so often curse and forget that the aromatic morning cup of coffee is a great luxury if we look at it from the point of view of the life of a sick person. Realizing that you are sick and possibly dying does not have to prevent you from living now. Because all you have is now.
And I would like to say to men: love your wife, not her beautiful body. Understand how difficult it is for her now and help her: being together, pleasant surprises, gifts, understanding, let her cry, let her be weak in that moment, give her your time because it is now, the most precious thing that both of you have.
Ten tips from E. Umbrasaitė for women with cancer (and their men)
FIRST – Do not panic, as this diagnosis does not yet carry the death penalty. Cry all you need to, then hold onto his arms and go on a journey through cancer. Don’t fight, travel. And there is everything on the way, both difficulties and beautiful moments.
SECOND – listen to as many medical opinions as possible about possible treatments and surgical methods, but in no way listen to intimidating neighbors, baby and other “benevolent” stories of how terrible cancer is.
THIRD – find at least one trusted friend to whom you can reveal your emotions, fears, bond over, make fun of you. Don’t get caught up in loneliness, don’t close yourself at home and hide from a healthy society, don’t interrupt your life the way you lived before. Go to the cinema, the theater, do not give up other favorite activities. The disease does not keep you locked up at home, you do not have to be ashamed of it, you are not guilty of getting sick, that is why you have the right to walk among the healthy and enjoy life. Pay no attention to the looks of those ignorant people that you will sadly have to face when going out in public.
FOUR – Write a blog. Written thoughts, fears, anxiety seem to disappear, at least decrease, it is a great psychotherapy. If you can’t cope with your emotions, don’t be embarrassed to seek the help of a psychologist.
FIVE – Do not feel sorry for yourself or act as a victim. Hasn’t helped anyone yet. Better look for something that can give you a little joy even in the darkest moments, such as taking your favorite mug to the hospital to at least remind you of the pleasant moments at home, watching comedies, reading funny books, asking your friends to treat you like they already do. disease, without mercy and without incitement to negative thoughts. Warn your friends that if necessary, they will allow you to cry, they will not stop your negative emotions all the time, but they will not encourage them either.
SIXTH – Stop playing hero and learn to ask or accept help (it was very difficult for me) when you need it. Perhaps after chemotherapy you no longer have the strength to carry your dog or shop at the store; ask someone to do it for you. Don’t be ashamed to be weak; You can do it now and you will be rewarded later.
SEVENTH – Imagine that the disease did not affect you. As if all that horror that is happening is not happening to you, but to, let’s say, your friend who you must help. Or you’re an actress in a movie about a woman with cancer and you just relate to the role. Look at all this as if it were from the side and try to help as much as possible that patient (by himself, but without the shadow of self-pity), to facilitate his being, the journey through the disease. This will definitely alleviate the trials that come with the disease and your own psychological state.
EIGHTH – What is happening to you now is scary and difficult, but you know how quickly it is forgotten. Leaving the disease, at least for me, the result was a great desire, hunger and courage to live according to oneself, not according to the wishes of others, the ability to enjoy every detail, not to worry about small inconveniences, not to become tragedies of personal failures and personal wars. Cancer helped me get rid of all fears and taught me to endure any ordeal. As Henry Charles Bukowsky says, “to really start living, you have to die at least once.” Cancer helps to die at that moment to feel the true taste of life afterwards.
NINE – Try to befriend your illness, don’t change it, don’t fight anger, stop anger at all (especially in the wrong world, loved ones, yourself), because love heals, not anger. Just make friends, talk to her, ask the cancer to leave your body because you are willing not to give up, so it will be very difficult and uncomfortable for him to stay in your body.
TEN – When you can no longer change a difficult situation, you can always change your attitude towards it. As the Jews joke, smile today, tomorrow could be even worse. Humor, an optimistic attitude, faith and a developed habit of smiling, even if it is very difficult, the ability to enjoy and marvel at the details of life, to run away what no longer belongs to you, what is outdated, outdated, no longer it is happy or it only hurts, not attached to any situation, thing, not even human (nothing belongs to us in this life) are your weapons. Tomorrow’s treatment can be much worse than today, at least physically, so smile as much as you can, every day, even if you have not had the disease; it will help you on your journey through life.
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