Researcher on an outdated way of raising children that we still use: note: it doesn’t work

After the impressive success of dr. Laura Markham’s bestseller, “Peaceful Parents, Happy Children: How to Stop Screaming and Connect with Your Children”, VAGA presents the author’s second, no less relevant book, Peaceful Parents, Good Relationships Between Brothers and Sisters: How to Quench Struggles and make friends for everyone, ”the press release said.

Naturally, even with experience raising a firstborn, planning a second baby, or having one, there are even more challenges to parenting. As a result, mothers and fathers often go astray in the sea of ​​advice on the true truth of parenthood and the secrets of a strong relationship between children. The author of the book assures that there is no miraculous instruction that can help solve problems between brothers and sisters in an instant. But the advice he gives in the second book can help parents have a wise experience.

According to dr. Laura: The first and most important step in raising children in a conscious and responsible way is the development of self-control and control of emotions: “Is it easy? No. Self-regulation is the hardest job any of us have ever done, but it is an essential and major component of peaceful parenting. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be perfect. This work is still in progress. There are no perfect parents because there are no perfect people. The most important thing is to notice when we deviate from the path, we regain balance and we reconnect with our children ”. The path to peace in parenting does not mean that it is achievable as an end in itself. It is a continuous process that lasts the entire growth period of children. According to the author, on the path to calmer parenting, it is very important to understand three basic principles:

• Calm parents regulate their emotions, even when faced with strong emotions or bad behavior from a child. It is precisely this that allows us to communicate positively with our children even when emotions are ingrained. We can expect children to behave childishly at times. We have a responsibility to act as adults do, not to give in to the temptation to come out of anger. As parents, we always have the power to calm a child’s storms, or intensify them, through our own reactions. Children of parents who regulate their emotions learn to control their own feelings and therefore their behavior, also in relation to their siblings.

• Calm parents prefer a warm connection with their child. All children need to feel heard, understood and valued, just because they are themselves, otherwise they feel insecure and hardworking. There is another great advantage: it is the connection that motivates children to follow our teachings. We can’t really force anything to be done without using force, and that only lasts as long as we have a substantial physical advantage. Our children must choose to do what we tell them to do. This is why many parents experience life with their children as a chain of bribes, threats, and power struggles just to stretch the day. But when parents maintain a close relationship with their child, the latter wants to maintain that relationship, which makes it more likely that they will follow the parents’ teachings.

• Quiet parents are educationally guided, not controlled. What is the difference between leadership and control? The leader teaches and supports the child, helping him develop the best qualities. The manager does not punish, he just patiently creates opportunities for the child to grow and celebrates each step in the right direction. Children respond to this leadership with the desire to work hard and be “like a leader.” Control consists of forcing the child to behave as you want, threatening to punish him when he disobeys. Calm parents do not punish their children. Sure, they set limits, but that doesn’t include punishment. Many parents believe that strict parenting raises better behaved children. This is not true. Recent research on discipline shows that strict or authoritarian education leads to lower self-esteem and worse behavior in children, making children raised this way more likely to be punished.

When we are overwhelmed by the moment when we can no longer cope because children will not stop complaining, or are constantly annoyed by expressing emotions of intolerance to each other, we often think that discipline is a proven and effective method to calm anger. . It may not be unexpected, but it is an outdated method of raising young children. Along with tolerance, in the parenting process, it is very important for parents to develop their emotional intelligence, and to change discipline is a sympathy for children’s anxiety. “Because in Latin ‘discipline’ actually means ‘to lead’, the word ‘discipline’ is very often misunderstood, so I advise you to discard it. Instead, we will consciously advance ‘more discipline’ and think about ourselves. as counselors to our children through loving guidance ”, encourages the author.

Laura Markham, a Columbia University researcher with a doctorate in clinical psychology, has worked as a parent consultant with many families. The author of the book is a mother of two. Her goal is to change the world through each child by supporting parents.