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It is a primary relationship in which we build confidence in ourselves, in others and in the world, we build a foundation under our feet, we learn with our whole bodies to experience what the connection between people is like. And these experiences of ours, however different they are, become the basis for a future life, for the relationship with ourselves and with others.
Everything is fine if you grew up in an essentially or largely loving, caring and emotionally literate family, where your physical and emotional needs were taken care of well enough, where your parents were able to at least understand and name your feelings and live with them.
Unfortunately, many of those families did not grow. Families experiencing or experiencing difficulties generally feel alone with their painful experiences.
V. Felitti and Robert Anda in 1995. The studies on negative childhood experiences that have now been launched have been carried out in several countries. During them, participants are asked about negative childhood experiences, such as emotional, physical and sexual violence, physical and emotional neglect or neglect, mental illness and addiction of loved ones, monitoring of domestic violence, parental divorce, etc. . Research shows that such experiences are extremely common, with two-thirds of all study participants experiencing at least one, and at least one in six experiencing four or more negative experiences before reaching adulthood.
How to live if you grew up in an unbalanced family where you did not experience love and a beautiful, warm and close relationship? Emotionally, you are very hungry or even starve. The basic primary need for all of us is to be heard, accepted and seen, to be in contact with each other.
“An apple does not roll away from an apple,” says popular wisdom.
“That apple will become a fertile apple tree that has decided to go in search of fertile soil,” say therapeutic proverbs.
Generally, children growing up in unbalanced families find some coping strategies that help them survive there physically and emotionally. And while there are many behavioral options, I would argue that there are two fundamentally different driving forces and motivations.
One is to stay under a barren apple tree, never give up, and never stop waiting for someday to feed me. The other is to mourn the fact that I fell where I fell, but I will have to eat somewhere else.
The consequences of these choices are very different. If I stay, I will continue to starve, if I travel in search, I will experience everything I have to experience during my travels: the road, the search, the adventure, the frustrations, the excitement and the new opportunities.
I often find that clients who, growing up in an unbalanced family, realize from the beginning that their parents will not help, give or care for them, have decided to seek help somewhere else or take care of what they need themselves, They have fewer difficulties than those who persistently remain with apples and continue to wait. that miraculous way of speaking it.
Of course, both strategies come at a price. And we cannot fail when we experience rejection, coldness, neglect, violence, or inconsistency early in life. But only when we decide to accept this reality and look for how we can meet our needs elsewhere, the opportunity arises to heal wounds and learn a different relationship experience.
Founder and psychologist of the Depression Treatment Center Aušra Mockuvienė
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