Merūnas Vitulskis – Openly about participation in childbirth, the most difficult stage and how the children put down their disputes with Erika today.

– Tell us what responsibilities you have at home, what traditions with children.

– There are many of those traditions. For example, one of them is a trick right before bed. We have a ritual: I’ve bought such brilliant thumbs from amateur illusionists. When it is time to sleep, I take them and tell them that I took out of the box the bed that wants to reach their ears and heads, it is time to go to bed. And anyway, we always hug before bed, make sure Mom and Dad have to kiss. We try to talk before bed about issues that concern us, the children tell us what happened during the day, why they got mad at someone, what the day was like for kindergarten, etc. The principle of our upbringing is listening and speaking, that is very important. Maybe that’s why children don’t shut up when faced with any problem.

– How are you divided into roles with Erika? Who is that tough cop?

– We take turns. Apparently, it is very important to be united in some rules. If, say, we go to a fast food restaurant once a month, the kids only get gifts when the opportunity arises, then we all follow those rules. As we joke, our parents, the policeman, is our grandmother, who gives everything to the grandchildren. But we allow you to reserve that right. Let the children know that there is another world where everything is allowed and dreams come true here and now. But we’re sending a clear message that there are grandma’s rules here and ours at home.

– Did you imagine fatherhood like that?

– The concept of fatherhood came to me only a few months after the birth of the first child. At first there was a shock, a fear of responsibility. After all, having children changes your essence, your personality, so you, as a person, receive a slight impact. I don’t know how others, perhaps those who have not felt responsible for their entire lives, will not feel it and will have children, but I have always felt it. And when the children were born, I realized that it was like you were little. It is the face of your soul and your education. It’s you. This perception came later, but it did. Of course, it is not easy to realize that you will have to dedicate your entire future life to your child.

– You feel responsible for practically every word, right?

– 100% Of course, we make mistakes, we make mistakes, sometimes bad words and worries come out through the eyes, especially during this period. Spring, when the quarantine was announced and we were sitting at home, it was our peaceful time, family time. If others were feeling tense, we were fine. At home idyll and peace reigned. The children felt the same. If you are calmer, the children don’t bother each other either. Therefore, it is very important to control yourself, but one is talking, the other is doing. There are no ideal parents. Even supermoms make mistakes, but we do our best because we see how everything is reflected in children: how they react to someone else’s pain, how they react to our ailments. That work is already paying off.

– What do you do when you lack patience? Maybe you have a proven recipe?

– Depends on the situation. No recipe will help you when you are upset. If there is a conflict between us and Erika, we explain to the children that we are not angry, we argue. We have a very heated discussion. Sometimes we identify ourselves, and the kids, look, they’re already saying, “Daddy, don’t argue.” That sounds like a lot of fun. The smiles pierced us. It is because of the children that we are descending, we do not want the negative that is already around. Everything in the house is for the benefit of the children.

– Does everyone have time to rest, without children, to relax?

– Erika has her own business, she needs a lot of time to work, that’s why I spend a lot of time with the children. And if it happens that both Erika and I are busy, there is our platinum grandmother who always saves and lets us escape from the house. It happens that I go out alone with my friends, I blow my head very well with a fishing rod in hand, fish, although I do not eat fish, but it is good to be in nature, with myself, in silence, to return to a person completely different. And Erika goes out somewhere. I am releasing … Who is “releasing” here? There is no such thing as “spending” in our home. I let you catch up … how can you somehow let go, not let go, repress an individual who shares his life with you? Only if you feel that it is time to distance yourself to be a true dad or mom and not an individual from a primitive community with a vague, furry look, then it is time to separate and be with yourself. Even all kinds of professionals recommend dedicating one day a week to yourself. Of course, this does not apply to parents. (Laughter.) But overloading yourself is very important. For those children to grow up as normal people.

– And what about the way of parenting, whose is the last word here?

– My Erika is more misunderstood in this area, I was a bit careless and read about 10 less books. But on key issues, our views coincide. Both for savings and for the financial responsibility of children to understand why parents work, why we can spend money or not, for sports and education, we do not have areas where I defend myself and she does my thing.

– Do you see your qualities in your children?

– We see constantly. It is incredible that nature is so strong. Let’s say the young man is a complete Erika, he has an extraordinary nose, he does not like meat very much, he can chew green peppers. Erika too. That sensitivity, the feeling of affection, Erika too. If you can stop, like Erika. Adj, a senior, is an artist, such a precise artist, reacts very interesting to music, sound, has great hearing, is very interested in history, inclined to the humanities. It seems to be such a small me. Even the face is similar. We joke that one was made by God for me, the other by Erika.

– Now that period with children is more difficult or easier compared to childhood?

– At each stage – their own problems. But for me, the most difficult stage was the beginning. Because a lot of uncertainty. A small child will not say anything, will not show anything, neither where it hurts, nor how. You are constantly in such a lottery and hypersensitivity. So the first year was very uncomfortable and restless for me. At night we jumped out of bed to see if that child was breathing. We feel very insecure. The current stage is one of the coolest because it asks a lot of interesting questions, but I don’t speak to them like children. I don’t change my terminology. I’m glad I made that decision because I read somewhere that you should talk to children from the beginning when they are adults.

– Did you attend the delivery?

– In the first – yes, in the second – I did not succeed, I was 15 minutes late because I was flying from Austria.

– Would you advise others?

– All normal doctors will not allow you to see what is not needed. We had a great midwife and the support of the man is very important. You see your wife with completely different eyes and understand the cost of everything. Of course, the wife also sees the man with different eyes. But everyone should decide individually. Some are sensitive to blood, others to pain, and others are insensitive to either. We had initially decided not to attend, we said to let the doctors do their job and that he would wait and come back when he heard the tears. But when I saw that look when the doctor turned around and asked, I realized that he had to be together, that she needed him and that.

– Fatherhood enriches life, right?

– Of course. You look at your inner life, you evaluate yourself as a person in a completely different way, you analyze, you see what gaps your parents have left in you, and your children teach you. They are nuggets, light. You don’t need to interfere too much with them, just set smart boundaries and allow them to grow. They are the best teachers in the world and that enriches them, there is no language. I do not doubt. And when they asked me if maybe I was better before the children, I can say unequivocally: only when they were born, I discovered the meaning of life and I am very happy that I discovered it with the help of children.