Lina, 25, on violence, abuse and drug addiction: “Even my mother didn’t see what was really going on” | Lifetime

This is an authentic story from Rasa Borodina’s book “16 Healing Stories: When Life Hurts”.

Rasa tells true stories of people living in Lithuania. These are people who have been in an emotional background and no longer see the meaning of life. They have found the strength to rise, so they want to share their experiences with you.

All the heroes have overcome difficulties, so they share not only the difficult stage, but also their healing experiences and tips to inspire. 15min LIFE We present Lina’s story to readers.

* * *

We started interacting with Lina in a Facebook group where people interested in psychology discuss. On several occasions I announced that I was writing a book and looking for people who would like to share their inspiring stories. After receiving Lina’s message, I immediately started coordinating the meeting time, and after a couple of days I was already waiting for her at the Vilnius Gate of Dawn.

I was greeted by a lovely young lady who left a very good first impression. We shook hands, smiled, and headed to a nearby cafe. Even before I could recover from the handheld recorder, Lina began to tell her story, and as soon as I could catch the speaker’s words, I prayed that she wouldn’t forget anything until she started recording the conversation. Now I am very grateful to Lina for that opening. Continuing to speak, my eyes grew moist and my throat went dry more than once. We talked for a long time, and during the conversation I was always surprised by a tense plot movie.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, but of course the irony of fate is that many people still don’t know what was going on outside the walls of our homes. My parents seemed smart, polite. We lived in rich, beautiful houses, clothes, delicious food, travel and everything in between. In material terms, we did not lack anything. Everyone, friends, neighbors, looked at us with jealousy. I was a calm and good girl. Very capable and responsive. At school, he adored me and marveled at the beautiful manners, praised me for the excellent grades. He was a calm boy, I did not argue, I did not cause any problems at all.

Parents worked hard abroad. Specifically, he went on a business trip. Sometimes dad left, sometimes mom. Dad had his own business, so he was less at home. Basically both parents lived in suitcases, so I learned to take care of myself very early. If my parents’ business trips coincided, my grandmother would supervise me and, when I grew up, they left me alone. It really hurts a lot later.

Lina remembered the terrible relationship in her family. In public, the father was polite, had many friends, a good sense of humor, was loved by customers, neighbors and ignorant people, and here he became someone else at home. Here he was completely out of control, constantly clinging, hysterically furious at every detail, and even violent.

Dad poured all his anger and aggression on me. Moms didn’t touch her, she was just constantly mad at her. Arrows! Even when one of them was on a business trip, he could get mad on the phone. I often heard my mother lock herself in the room and talk to him crying, screaming, just apologizing. All the beautiful moments were played only for friends or family. If he was just yelling at his mother, he was taking me off, I needed him or not. Not only hitting the belt like most children, but stroking so that he could not take off and begin to darken consciousness. For the slightest reason, even a lower grade in school or a different opinion.

I trembled terribly for the last mile, I didn’t have a cell phone, I couldn’t tell Dad in any way that I’d be back later.

For example, I was late once after school. Maybe he was eleven years old at the time. We lived in my own house on the outskirts of the city, so I usually came home on a school bus. This time I spoke to a friend and I couldn’t get in, so I had to take public transportation and then walk almost six kilometers later.

It was winter, cold, a specific inconvenience. I returned even frightened by the cold and fear. I trembled terribly for the last mile, I didn’t have a cell phone, I couldn’t tell Dad in any way that I’d be back later. As soon as he returned, he told me to kneel down and hit him as necessary. Without questions or ceremonies. That time I even lost consciousness.

As the interlocutor spoke about the father’s violence, the question arose where the mother was, how she reacted this time and in other cases. Lina explained that her mother was always humble and did not interfere with her father in the event of a breakup, she was restless, generally avoiding any conversation. The day Lina passed out, the mother attacked her father for the first time in defense of her daughter. After this incident, Lina felt that she had never been guilty because her mother had also received the pylons through her. He even stated on several occasions that he was quite happy that the mother had not intervened in case her father separated, as this would have made her feel even worse.

Dad never lets me choose or express an opinion. Any questions were predetermined by him. He had no right to want or feel more than what he liked. He couldn’t say what he was thinking, choose circles, clothes, food. We lived in the same house, but in different worlds: we never spoke, we didn’t share worries, we didn’t cry or we laughed together. Today I realize that I was an unloved child. I lacked simple attention, love, hugs, conversations. That was the reason why my behavior began to change.

Lina was truly exemplary for a long time and did not cause much trouble. The internal changes began with the suicide of a boy at school, with whom he sometimes interacted. The news surprised me a lot: for the first time, the girl’s body shook even with physical sadness and unexplained anxiety. Lina fell silent, stopped eating, was apathetic, spent a long time locked in her room. Without warning, her parents took her to a psychologist one morning.

After that, the boy killed himself terribly. I realized that it was probably also bad for me, but I didn’t realize what was wrong and why it was so bad. Inside, I felt the emptiness, thinking that I don’t have anything to live for either, I don’t have sense, I don’t have dreams, I have and I don’t see anything beautiful in life. The desire to eat, talk and communicate disappeared, so after school I spent all the time locked in my room. And here one morning they told me that I wasn’t going to school today, that we were going to do business.

Imagine taking me somewhere, then walking me down the hallways, sitting in line, and then someone leaves the office and introducing me as a psychologist invites me in. I was surprised, then I was furious. It was already closed, I did not like to open, and that was how I was taken from a lamp to a psychologist. I was scared, but there was no going back. I visited there for a while, but had no desire to say anything sincerely. He usually prayed that everything would be okay. The strangest thing was that the psychologist believed.

Today I realize that I was an unloved child. I lacked simple attention, love, hugs, conversations.

Lina’s parents thought that the problems were with the girl and her surroundings. This is not surprising, as few parents can take responsibility and recognize that the majority of offspring problems are due to education and the atmosphere in the home. The parents of the interlocutor were not the exception. They didn’t even consider what they were doing wrong, they behaved like nowhere: the barn kept echoing at home, and Lina was occasionally humiliated physically or emotionally.

It was early morning when Dad also hit Mom. One morning he was awakened by strange sounds and overwhelmed style. I left the room trembling. At that point, everything went silent, and then again – buuum. As I ran through the other room, I saw a horrible image: Dad had hit my mother in the corner behind the sofa and snuggled up. At first she didn’t understand what was going on, but when I got closer I saw that I was strangling her. The mother could not utter a word, lying without answering. I panicked, ran back to my room, and hid like a little girl in the closet.

With shaking hands, I sent a message to all the contacts on the phone: “Save.” Neighbors rushed in and the police arrived. Everyone was shocked, people couldn’t believe what they saw, and I felt like a dream myself. Still, the situation was quickly covered up, the police that arrived immediately left, and the neighbors dispersed. I couldn’t think normally due to stress, my whole body was numb, my heart was pounding, many feelings were boiling inside and I was confused.

Leaving my parents to speak downstairs, I returned to my room. They continued to bark and scream, but after a moment there was a sudden silence in the house. Hugging a strange touch, I ran again to see what they were doing. She was horrified to see her unconscious mother and father kick her. After that, my mother decided to divorce, but we all lived together for a while longer.

There was silence in the house after the last outbreak of violence. The parents did not communicate with each other, and Lina stayed away. He realized that he was expecting a divorce this time, and the two of them and their mother would soon be moving somewhere else. The girl did not say anything to anyone, since she always hid everything in herself, and had no very close friends. Only occasionally did he spend time at one of the companies where he started using marijuana.

These were guys who lived in the neighborhood, children of wealthy parents. I was able to be with myself and relax with them. I was cigarettes in that company once, then again and again, so we started communicating and I joined their ranks. We met at one of the boys’ houses, we saw movies, we smoked “weed” and some drank alcohol. I relaxed with them and forgot all my worries. I counted the days when my parents would not be home and I was looking forward to the opportunity to go with them: I calmed down, had fun, laughed.

I woke up naked and realized that I had been raped.

However, our communication did not last as long. One afternoon I was drunk when necessary, smoking “weed,” so I started not concentrating on the environment. Feeling that I was not well, I said I was going to sleep (this time my parents were gone, so we continued at my house) and I went up to my room. Then I was followed by a boy. I had not seen him before, he was friends with one of the boys, a much older guy, about 26 years old. I tried to get him out of my room, but he didn’t leave.

I remember that I started to collapse and he laid me on the bed, he started stealing my clothes. I asked to leave and be left alone, I still tried to resist and then I disconnected. I woke up naked and realized that I had been raped. I was no longer in the children’s house, all that was left was me: dirty, confused, covered in shame and horror that did not fit in my head. After all, he was only thirteen. I had never fallen in love with children until then, I hadn’t even thought about it.

I felt terrible and had no one to tell. I thought I was to blame for everything, even the word “rape” itself seemed wrong: I didn’t have to drink or smoke. In a word, as I have always blamed myself, only myself. I don’t know if those guys knew what happened or not, but that night nobody called or wrote to me, I stopped and did it. I walked very depressed for a few weeks, but my parents didn’t notice because, as always, they were busy with their concerns.

Although Lina had not used marijuana and alcohol for some time, the wounds healed for a long time. There was emptiness in my heart, loneliness tormented me. One day, his mother ordered him to carry things, saying that the two would eventually move to live somewhere else. The documents were ordered, new homes were found, so a few days after the father’s departure, they prepared everything and left. It seemed like a new phase of life, a new school, new friends, and a brighter tomorrow to wait, but this one turned out to be darker than imagined.

The mother continued to go abroad to work and Lina was left alone at home. She did not want to go to the new school, so she started skipping classes. While the other children studied, she spent days at home or simply sledged the streets. He admitted that he really enjoyed riding the bus, people-watching, being outside. So distracted by the streets, she found herself in another company.

Everything went very naturally, now I think I went towards it all the time. I made new friends with whom I spent time on the weekends. He always seemed older than me, so there wasn’t much trouble going into the clubs and having fun with them. It was a great way to distract yourself and distance yourself from sadness.

After moving, my mother and I didn’t talk much, she worked even harder, she was rarely home, and business trips became more frequent. Sometimes he did not return for two weeks. I had no one to talk to, I didn’t understand what was happening and what I was feeling, I just knew so much that I didn’t feel inside, and the new company helped me feel alive and fun at least on weekends.

I started taking methamphetamine with those people. It gave her strength, lifted her spirits, so the parties were especially fun. I even started attending classes more often because things seemed to be going well. At first, the small doses on the weekends were great, then I took it in the middle of the week, and after a while and every day.

When my mother left, several companies lived in our house a few days later. We don’t sleep during the day, we smoke “weed”, we smelled methamphetamine. It wasn’t so stupid that I didn’t realize it wasn’t a normal way to relax, I just didn’t know how to do it any other way.

Still, once a week of so much fun, I realized I needed to do something. When the company broke up, I went to the shower and looked at myself in the mirror. He looked scarred: yellow skin, some kind of allergic reaction on my hands, like eczema, I noticed open wounds in various places. I was very scared, I immediately started looking for information online. I almost fell after reading that heavy use of methamphetamine can kill a person in half a year.

I held my breath, I stopped the interlocutor:

– Oh mom? Like this mom, didn’t she see anything?

To my horror and surprise, Lina’s mother did not want to see the problems, she did not even think about the language of the neighbors and friends, she consoled that her daughter was having difficulties to divorce, perhaps she was rebellious when she was a teenager. By the way, Lina herself did not hide that she knew how to lie and manipulate perfectly, so for a time the situation was under control. Still, the mother tried to take her to psychologists, and for a time the girl even took antidepressants.

When you take drugs, things just go wrong. The further away, the more he seemed to have nothing to live for. Inside: constant emptiness and meaninglessness, the world is black and angry. I didn’t see anything beautiful nearby. Mom, even my own mom, didn’t see what was really going on.

After a while, my head started to spin and turned bad, at which point my childhood friend broke into the house.

One afternoon when I was working abroad again, I found a home pharmacy and started taking all the pills in a row, taking the full remaining dose of antidepressants as well. Before that, I wrote a farewell letter that I sent to my friends on Facebook. After a while, my head started to spin and turned bad, at which point my childhood friend broke into the house.

You know, I’ve always rejected her, and she was probably the only person who tried to help me all my life. So she saved me a life: she took me to the bathroom, drank water and told me to vomit. Somehow I convinced her not to call the ambulance. I vomited a lot and then fell asleep.

In the morning, however, I woke up alive and well. The first thought was to fail now, to succeed later. After that event, I remembered that it was only a matter of time before taking my life. However, I didn’t try to kill more, but I started using drugs even more intensely. Stronger and stronger. It probably doesn’t mean that everything fell into heroin, that I sometimes deliberately overdosed …

As hard as it is to believe, Lina’s mother hadn’t seen the problem in a long time. Everything came to light when Lina decided to visit her aunt, who had returned from abroad and invited her daughter to visit her. The girl went to another city by train, intending to stay longer and attend a party.

Auntie, as soon as she saw me, realized that something was wrong. They didn’t say anything, they just told them to bathe and put the bed to sleep. When I woke up, I saw my mother in front of me. He didn’t understand how he flew so fast from the mission. Turns out I slept for over two days! When I saw my mother, I started crying and started telling what was happening. On the way home, we talked all the way. Specifically, I spoke. I spoke, I cried, I spoke …

I told you everything down to the last detail. We decided to go to the addiction center of our city tomorrow. I accepted, I did not argue, I sincerely wanted to get away from everything. After crying and talking a little easier, this is how the journey began through the addiction and rehabilitation centers in Lithuania, which lasted for many years. I would call that trip a fun rollercoaster ride.

When I saw my mother, I started crying and started telling what was happening. On the way home, we talked all the way.

Time passed Drinking water here, tea here, coffee here, then water again, Lina told her story with all the details that overwhelmed me in such a way that I seem to be walking through the same streets, holding the interlocutor by hand, crying together, running together.

Like many healers, she kept falling and getting into bad company. While using drugs, they encountered troublesome guys: some were emotionally violent, others physically. The girl, who spent a lot of time in addiction centers, said that she employed serious specialists and provided all the necessary help. However, if the person himself does not feel any crystalline desire to recover, no one will help. She herself did not have a strong motivation to change, she kept falling. Thus, little by little, the relationship with the mother was cut off at that moment.

During those years of use or treatment, I felt like a zombie. A person without feelings, future, goals, dreams. I didn’t feel anything and didn’t see the point anywhere. In shopping malls, I regretted it a bit, but when I went out again and again, I took it again. Being sober, I felt indescribably scared. All those years, I kept thinking that I wanted to die, that I would kill myself when the opportunity arose. I was not me. Mom lived her life, her father. It seems no one cared what would happen to me the most. I didn’t care either.

You can probably start honest treatment once you fall into a full pit. My well was very embarrassing. Nobody knows. I will tell you for the first time.

We both inhaled and held our breath. I assured him that all information will remain confidential and I certainly will not reveal his identity to anyone alive.

It has already happened that I ended up on the street after completing my regular course of treatment. He didn’t have to call or whom, but he was in another city. I walked the streets until I knew how I was in a company. They offered me a medicine, I hesitated a little, but I accepted. Then they all broke up, and I realized with horror that I had not only someone to call, but money. So I stopped at the station several times and sold my body. It is the most painful, most embarrassing, most difficult memory. I cried like a little boy in those days. I realized: everything, now really everything. Living really doesn’t make sense anymore. I’m dead. However, this event, unpleasant as it was, was the beginning of the change.

After a day at the station, Lina found a way to call a psychologist who had worked with her at a rehab center. He returned for treatment the same day, and as soon as he returned, he was shocked by the news of his mother’s disaster. After a business trip, he had an accident in a foreign country. A family friend informed him of this by SMS. Unfortunately, he was unable to tell anyone about the accident, because the use of phones in the center is strictly prohibited.

It was a turning point in my life. Background. Messages began to flow on the phone that the mother was dying, in poor condition, that in an optimistic case would remain in the vegetable. My heart was crying with pain. He wanted to go with her, but was afraid to admit that he had a phone. They would have thrown me out and I had no money and nowhere to go. I was afraid to start taking it again. I thought: behold, I will tell you, and they will throw me out into the street. And then what? I won’t even have a way to get to it.

A few days later, however, I confessed to management. We decided what to do, and at that moment we received a message that my mother is still repairing and that she will soon be sent to Lithuania. From that moment on, I lived alone thinking about my mother. Some miracle happened. My mother’s misfortune in me reversed everything. I felt a true genuine desire to live and change.

When her mother returned to Lithuania for the first time in her life, Lina made up her mind to stop using it and began planning how and what to do. The girl was determined to live with her mother and take care of her. That’s what he did. After the accident, the woman’s body was tied with iron, she had to endure a long rehabilitation, endure great pain. All the time, Lina took care of her mother when she was little: she fed, she married, she helped to exercise.

The scars sound, but in a way I am grateful for the fate of that crash. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t think she would have matured and accomplished as much as now. All values ​​shook in me, there was so much pain and desire to help my mother, even others. I realized that I had to take responsibility for both my mother and myself, I can not and do not want to continue living like this. After this disaster, we both got very close, we started talking openly. It contributed a lot to my healing. I still don’t think I can discuss it so openly with her about what happened in childhood and adolescence. I would not have dreamed of that. This is a miracle.

Lina has not been using drugs for five years. Throughout this period, she works intensely with herself. Those with such addiction still have a high probability of relapse, so they still walk to a psychotherapist and visit a group of anonymous drug addicts.

She was looking for a job for a long time, but today she is glad she didn’t give up even after a long search. After starting work as a salesperson in a store, after a time she was even promoted to manager.

I realized that I had to take responsibility for both my mother and myself, I can not and do not want to continue living like this.

I am very happy and proud of this achievement. I work with all my heart: this recognition is important to me. The more I advance, the more I think I really have a whole life ahead of me, I can change a lot, achieve a lot if I try hard. I’ve already changed a lot. I am in a different environment, surrounded by good people, some sincere friends who know I had a drug problem.

It seems that I have resolved my life. These few years of sobriety are a great feat for me, and I vow to myself to do my best not to lose it. I don’t want to go back and I think everything will be fine. When the desire to recover arose, even conversations with psychotherapists changed.

Today, I know very well why my life turned out like this. I know that the basis of children’s lives is established by parents, and the maniac did not realize that what was happening at home affected me, I did not care about my body or soul. I felt lonely and distant, anxious and fear mixed inside. After all, that’s why I started taking it. But that is a thing of the past.

I want to believe that I have learned to endure more difficult periods, to overcome stress and tension. Knowing why I am like this and how to live with it gives me a lot of strength. Finally I feel feelings (he shouted happily): joy, peace. After all, the world used to look just black, and now everything is different. It is also inspiring.

Knowing why I am like this and how to live with it gives me a lot of strength. Finally I feel feelings: joy, peace.

At the end of the conversation, I asked Lina what advice she would give the addicted person and their family members.

If a person does not want treatment, he can advise what he wants, it will not help. Nothing will help you. Useless. Either you live with one and suffer, or you break the connection. Sometimes disconnecting is the best solution. Well, if a person has at least a small desire to live and be treated, the addiction and rehabilitation centers in Lithuania, which are really good, will help. There are professional specialists, classes and analysis. All recovery aid is provided, just take it and use it.

I was in a desperate situation, my problems were big and outdated, so things went wrong. Somehow I got out of it. Today I am fine, I have dreams and goals, a dear boyfriend, my mother supports me. I know this disease for life, but I believe that with the help of my loved ones, I will be able to stay clean.

After turning off the recorder, I paid the bill, then we stood up and headed toward the exit. We were silent for a few minutes, we were both tired. Two hours passed in an instant and we seem to have squeezed out everything we could from this conversation. When we said goodbye, we hugged each other as if we had known each other for a long time: a true miracle, how one can get close to another person in such a short time, just needs a sincere story.

Mr. S. After our meeting, I received a message from Lina:

If I can insert, write somewhere that a prayer book donated by my mother helped me a lot during the healing. I don’t have much confidence, but until now every night I recite that prayer of forgiveness. She strengthens me a lot.