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Mindaugas was abandoned by her biological mother immediately after giving birth. She did not feed her son her milk, did not choose a name for him. Therefore, the first name of his life was given to the newborn by a social worker. The boy’s first name was Mindaugas, and later Gabija and her husband chose another for their son.
When his spouses brought the baby home, he was six weeks old. Gabija was then 43 years old and her husband a few years older. “We are already mature parents,” Gabija smiles.
He could not have his children
It all started as a common couple who cannot have their children.
“The decision to adopt was not quick. We were married for 19 years and we are still trying to have children. It has failed. It is a big expense when it comes to fertility clinics,” he said.
In the fertility clinics, the family spent about 15 thousand euros. And one day he realized that the money was being paid, and the result was not: “Perhaps it was not possible to help us? So we decided to give the money to what is real, to give it to the child. “
According to Gabija, not only were the procedures bothered, but services like acupuncture and the like were also expensive. The cause of infertility had no clear origin: doctors did not know how to help or what to treat.
We just decided to give money to what is real, to give it to a child.
“We have talked before the adoption, but apparently we have not matured. We finally decided, and I said, that I can no longer bear the stress and the procedures when I still fail.
So one fine day we made a request that we wanted to adopt a baby. It was the beginning of the summer of 2018. Adoption training started in September, we were added to the adoption list in November and on March 15th we got the child back. Everything is very fast, ”said Gabija.
123RF.com nuotr./Kūdikis
I wanted a baby up to half a year.
When Mindaugas was taken, he was only six weeks old. Both Gabija and her husband did not believe that things would happen so quickly and had decided to wait a year or two. How much will be needed.
As Gabija said, in preparation for adoption, prospective adoptive parents can apply for the type of child they want. One of the wishes of the family was the age of the child: the couple wanted a baby of up to half a year.
It was also important to them that the child did not have serious congenital diseases, because raising such a child would be an undue financial burden on the family in terms of their constant care, treatment and rehabilitation.
We still wanted girls, I don’t even know why.
“To avoid serious and incurable diseases, like cerebral palsy, serious birth defects, we couldn’t take care of so many children. We also wanted the baby to not have fetal alcohol syndrome. They also asked us about inherited diseases, let’s say schizophrenia. But we would not have paid attention. to that.
We still wanted girls, I don’t even know why. But already during training, we changed our minds. It didn’t matter girl or boy. By the way, if we adopt or take care of another child that we are thinking about, it could be between 4 and 5 years old, ”Gabija said.
Why? Because a woman who had no children before gained experience being with a child: “And then … I am not one of those women who sees a child and it dissolves. That is not my case. Perhaps because I could not get pregnant on my own and was isolated from children. So I thought, if we had to adopt a 4-5 year old boy, what would I do with him, what would I talk to him about? And if I take the little one, we will grow together. “
Courses for adoptive parents and guardians are called Helpful Experiences
Speaking about the adoption procedure itself, Gabija said that it is not as complicated as it sounds. A certificate of employment (that the family receives a regular income), a health certificate (that does not suffer from serious diseases) and a real estate certificate from the Registry Center were required.
“The hardest thing is self-determination, it takes the longest. What can I advise? If at least one small thought is about custody or adoption, then you should go and do it. No one will give you a child right away. You go. to train, there is an opinion, whether you want to or not. If he realizes that he has not done it, he has completed the courses, etc. But there you will find out if you are sure of your self-determination.
The courses themselves are very helpful, they would be helpful even if you have your own kids. Many different psychological nuances, communication with children. We were the only ones in the training who came in preparation for the adoption.
Everyone else: brothers, sisters, grandmothers who took care of it. For grandchildren, children of relatives. These were the people who raised their biological children. And there was a lot of innovation for them. The professionals who lead them – especially, see that not by Checkboxes It works, and honestly, ”Gabija said.
Photo from 123RF.com/Working and supportive woman
“I don’t want to, too soon, I’m not ready yet”
After writing the adoption application, the specialists told the family: You may have to wait as long as a year or two. Because the probability of adopting a baby is much lower than that of an older child.
“It just came to our knowledge then. We could. But I have the feeling that then, before, our son had not yet been born,” says the interlocutor.
Knowing that the adoption process would take time, for the summer of 2019 the family already had plans: trips, concerts.
“But in March I called… I remember, I was at work and it had been 3-4 months since I finished the course. I called and said: it’s a boy. Hello.
And the thoughts spin in my head. I just said we would come to see the boy’s case, but after the conversation I had the only thought in mind: I don’t want to, too soon, I’m not ready yet. “, – he remembered Gabija.
Because we said to ourselves: If we don’t take that child, maybe we don’t need him at all?
Speaking today, a woman is considering that she is not quite ready for adoption, for the birth of a child. Because when you wait, you know when the baby will be born. Meanwhile, in adoption, very different, when one day you receive and receive a call.
“Then we went, we met, and we called on the same day to adopt. Because we said to each other: if we don’t take that child, maybe we don’t need him at all?
He was healthy, so shrunken, tiny, full of pimples. I remember saying, how ugly “ – The woman openly told about her emotions.
Over the weekend, the family bought everything a new person needed for life: a stroller, a crib, and other necessities.
And soon they became parents.
123RF.com nuotr./Kūdikis
A judicial decision had to be made
Gabija said that the woman who abandoned the child was not addicted to alcohol or psychotropic substances, nor had she been known to social services until then.
“I think if I was in his situation, he probably wouldn’t have had to leave the child. There was a brother in the family, a mother, someone would have helped. I understand that his decision was because he needed help to cultivate it. She simply lacked social skills. The father is unknown, “Gabija said.
The spouses, who had already brought the son home, had been restless for several more months. Because the biological mother abandoned the son in the hospital, he did not have to be separated from the family, but a court decision was required. In court, the biological mother had to reaffirm her refusal.
“We returned it on March 15 and I was only able to present the documents to the court in early June. There was a troubled time: you live, you get used to it and you still have to wait for the trial. As it was summer, our appointed judge was on leave, so that the trial only took place in early September. After that, we waited another month for the court decision to take effect, “Gabija said.
It was necessary to get used to both the idea and the person himself.
About a year passed before Gabija Mindaugas was named his son; he spoke the word aloud. Love did not come at first sight either.
“It just came to our knowledge then. The first few months were just taking care of the baby. It seems to me that after being with the family for about two months, the baby seemed to relax, his gaze changed. Even though it seems like he’s just a baby ..
A mother asked me: when you saw you right away did you fall in love? No. It was necessary to get used to both the idea and the person himself. And then she says: just when i gave birth. When I saw the boy, I didn’t feel anything for him. A few months later came the feeling of motherhood, love.
The same thing happens to me. Maybe it is different for every woman? Perhaps there are women that you have loved since conception? And others don’t. It is difficult to explain. But when you see a child, no matter how cruel it sounds, first you see if it is healthy, ”Gabija said.
Now the woman laughs: she says that she had never seen a more wonderful child in her life. The grandson was also adopted by the parents, although at first Gabija’s mother doubted the family’s decision.
“He said that it is difficult to raise a child of a stranger. “How do you know?” I thought then. However, later our parents supported us, and now Mindaugas is their beloved grandson ”, said the interlocutor.
Gabija jokes that in the past it was difficult for mothers to understand, who buy mainly for children, but not for herself: “Now I do it myself. I am on paternity leave. Once I had to go to the funeral, and then I saw that there were only casual clothes in the closet. “
Photo from 123RF.com/Mom with baby.
It will also tell your child that he has been adopted.
When the 2019 presidential elections took place, Gabija’s husband and son were waiting for her outside at the polling station. It so happened that a close neighbor worked on the commission.
“Where did you leave the man, maybe with the cats?” He asked Gabija.
“A man in the open air with a child. We have a baby “.
“Do you want to fuck? I haven’t seen her pregnant.”
Gabija immediately explained without curtains that the family had adopted, but did not speak about it in a very loud voice.
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for him.
“There are lonely people in our city who know it. However, we recently changed the house ourselves, we moved to another apartment, so the new neighbors do not know. However, the city’s community is not large, ”Gabija said.
When Mindaugas grows up, his parents will tell him this fact: he would be the first to do so from what his son might hear from others.
“It just came to our knowledge then. It may not be possible to say, because the child will want to know, have his own identity. How would you love that child, no matter how yours he is? You did not give birth to him.
I still don’t know how to say it. But we didn’t even know how to grow it and everything turned out fine. I think that conversation will happen in due course, by itself.
All of our family members are aware of this fact. Once, I remember, a child runs around the yard, happy, they kick the ball. The grandmother sits down, looks at him and says: poor man.
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for him. Yes, he was unlucky in a way: his mother left him. But when I look at him, I think he’s the most amazing kid I’ve ever seen.
The trauma, when he finds out that his biological mother has abandoned him, he will have to survive. It seems so to me. There are all kinds of variants, reactions. But it will be a blow to him, “Gabija said.
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