Ieva Šuipė, a psychologist who raises 3 children: children would be very successful if their parents understood one thing before birth

– You have been nominated in the Delphi Women of the Year 2020 election in the Super Woman category. What does this mean for you?

– I don’t consider myself a super woman, but this nomination is a very high evaluation and an important confirmation that I did the right thing a few years ago when I went to where my heart was calling me. I had graduated in psychology, but had worked in business for much of my career. There was, of course, great personal and professional growth, I gained many important skills and experience that I use in my current job, but inside I felt that I should be somewhere else.

The Nobody’s Children initiative, which aims to ensure that all unmarried children in hospitals receive the emotional support they need, and my other work activities: training, parenting articles, counseling for children and parents, allowing them to pursue their own I walk, doing my best I think that’s what makes the most sense to me, at least in part contributing to a happier life for children.

– Do you run an organization, raise three young children, or have time for yourself and your needs?

– I would not say that I have a lot of time for myself, but for being able to reconcile everything, first of all I am grateful to my husband, who raises children together and is involved in their care no less than I do. He is also the organizer of our free time, weekend activities, holidays, thanks to which I can successfully retire from my job and pay more attention to my family, my children and myself. I think this trait was instilled in the husband by his parents because spending time with the family was and is a great value to them. The grandparents also helped us when the children were younger, with the help of a babysitter.

I will be open, I will work in a job where you see a lot of meaning, you want to achieve the result as soon as possible, there is a lot of enthusiasm, the energy seems to come from somewhere else, so it is really easy to burn and I have been on that threshold more than one time. But over time, it is getting easier to draw boundaries and separate time for work, family, and needs. Everything must be planned, reciprocated and negotiated, spoken, this is the only secret.

– You said that when the first child was born, you realized that psychological education is not enough for the education of a child. What knowledge and qualities did you miss?

– I would not underestimate the importance of psychological knowledge: it is very important for parents to know the peculiarities of the child’s development, understand their physical and emotional needs and the importance of responding to them for the smooth development of the child. However, a diploma in psychology as such does not mean that you understand all the subtleties of motherhood and fatherhood. It’s more of a foundation you can resist, but you really need to dig a lot deeper and have additional interest – breastfeeding, for example, is a completely separate science! For me, like many mothers I have spoken to, it was one of the first major challenges of motherhood. Or how to respond to a young child’s bouts of anger, how to properly draw the boundaries of misbehavior, and the like: I learned all of this only by delving into those topics.

My first-born is 10 years old. Each child taught me something more and more. When my second daughter was born, I was no longer tired of ignoring subtleties like baby care, sleeping, breastfeeding, I already knew and enjoyed raising my baby, I was able to relax more and stay in touch, but new challenges arose as the girls grew older . The theme of “falling from the throne”. However, when it comes to what kind of mother I have, the little one is the luckiest: with him I am stronger than ever and I am safe. But I wouldn’t say that I’m the perfect mother. It is comforting to know that children do not need perfect parents, it is enough to have good enough. I often joke that by teaching and counseling other parents, I learn to be a better mother, I still have room to grow on that path.

– However, if you want to develop a happy personality, will you need not only love, but also a lot of knowledge?

– Knowledge is an important force that helps parents not to lose themselves by listening to the myriad of different advice, to be stronger with their internal knowledge, the internal voice that all mothers have. But knowledge alone is not enough. It is not unnecessarily said that the presence of a mother is learned only by becoming a mother and not immediately. It is hard to find a mother who never felt guilty or powerless on her way to motherhood, who made no mistakes raising children. Motherhood, in my opinion, is the most important school in life, because no one else opens our own childhood wounds like having our own children. And a lot of awareness is needed here, to discover, know and heal those wounds, because otherwise, they will automatically affect the way we raise and educate our children.

– Do these unhealed self-harm harm our children? And would it be better to find and heal the wounds before raising a family?

– We all have bigger or smaller wounds from our childhood, this is normal and both our parents and our parents can understand it, since they did not know the needs of most of what we know about the development of a child. Much of the most important research on what is important for a person to grow up psychologically healthy has been done in the last decades, our parents, grandparents lived through difficult times, influenced by their own childhood experiences and, finally, the availability of information. mental health care as we have it today

The examples of childhood injuries and how this is transmitted to the way we raise our children can be of all kinds: a critical father who criticizes and constantly underestimates his son, despite the fact that he suffered it himself as a child ; a mother who allows everything to her son and cannot set limits because she cannot tolerate her son’s anger directed at her, despite the fact that she herself was raised in childhood with great rigor; parents who punish children with corporal punishment because they themselves were punished in this way in childhood, and so on.

Especially quickly, those childhood wounds “appear” when we are tired, overwhelmed by stress, and feel helpless when our own emotional reservoir is empty. Then we automatically treat our children the way our parents treated us because the pattern of behavior is deeply ingrained.

In answering your question, of course, children would be very successful if their parents were aware of their childhood wounds even before they conceived, perhaps even treating them with psychotherapy. In real life, this rarely occurs. But even with the children already, recognizing in myself that I am repeating certain defective scenarios, one can stop and be aware, interested in working with oneself, it is really possible to achieve that we do not transmit the wounds of our childhood to our children. Every time we consciously treat our children, without repeating certain mistakes, we lay a better foundation not only for our children’s lives, but at the same time we treat our internally wounded child.

– Fathers, especially mothers, often listen to lessons, supposedly, now there are the best conditions to raise children: no need to wash diapers or make mixtures yourself, so nothing complicated, it is easy to be a perfect father . But, seriously?

– On the one hand, yes, these days there are many different parenting amenities and facilities that parents didn’t have before, but to facilitate parenting, you would definitely disagree. The biggest advantage these days, in my opinion, is that there is more detailed and easily accessible information (based on science, the facts) on how to raise an emotionally healthy child than ever before, but at the same time, the problem is that this information is very rich and varied. , so it is not so easy for parents to choose what is good and what is not.

Another difficulty is that today, as always, a high-profile poster for parents: both they and society, increases expectations, demands to be perfect parents, now more than ever emphasizes the responsibility of parents, that the type of growing child depends solely on the parents. behavior and the absence of their mistakes, leading to great confusion, stress, helplessness and unfortunately even exhaustion. The exhaustion of parents is a new phenomenon of our time, which arises precisely from raising very high and unrealistic expectations of oneself as a mother, father, imagining that I can and should even be a perfect and infallible father or mother, that fatherhood it must be just joy. , a fun and enjoyable experience.

This is not the case, it contains everything, and joy, great meaning, happiness and much pain, anger and helplessness. Mistakes are an inevitable part of parenting. This does not mean that we have to leave everything to their own devices or specifically harm the child, harm them, of course not, but it is important to accept our imperfections, allow ourselves to err, grow, learn. So there is more joy in raising children and raising them naturally becomes an easier, more enjoyable and more joyous stage in life.

– When it comes to high billboard, mothers who supposedly “sit at home” and care for their children are often dragged through the teeth. Often a woman feels like spending unproductive time looking for additional activities, and how many more businesses have been created during maternity leave … What advice would you give to mothers who feel guilty about “sitting at home” and ONLY raise a child “?

– A few years ago, there was a widespread belief that just raising a child for a mother is too small and not a meaningful activity, and some other meaningful activity is necessary: ​​perhaps starting your own business or at least writing a book . And how lucky are we (probably even more our children) that parental leave in Lithuania is so long and that the child can spend the first and most significant years of his life, when all the basic elements of child safety are formed, with his mother and not under the care of strangers. This is not the case in many western states, where babies are placed in day care for 4 or even 3 months.

I would advise mothers experiencing this to become familiar with the developmental peculiarities and needs of the child in the first year of life, to understand how the child’s secure attachment is formed, which is important to the child in the first year of life and the safe and constant relationship with the main caregiver. period. The extent to which mothers with children work at home became particularly clear during the quarantine period. But what I want to emphasize the most is that the mother, “doing nothing” with the child at home and being with him, communicating and responding to his needs (both physiological and communication, intimacy, warmth), lays the most important foundations for all his healthy and continuous life. for life: for self-perception, for the environment and for how you will build relationships with other people in your life.

– How do you think about raising a happy child?

– All the things I mentioned earlier: knowledge, parental awareness, self-knowledge are very important, but if we highlight one essential: it is to have a strong, safe and positive relationship with the child, which we began to form in childhood and that it is important not to give up as the child grows. That strong connection, the relationship that freezes our hearts when we are children, is what brings us, the parents, to the joy of raising a child. Also, children need to feel, to know that we are happy with them, otherwise they would not feel worthy of love. Our ability to enjoy, enjoy and be with the child can be the most important factor in his development.

– Often a woman, even before becoming a mother, develops the illusion of what motherhood will look like, and then often suffers from falling into the trap of her unfulfilled expectations. However, not dreaming and not making plans is almost impossible. How to find that golden medium?

– I think it is really important to be interested, read, attend training, communicate with other mothers. It is important to be interested in the experiences of others, to listen to both the positive and the difficult side of raising children. It’s not intimidating and intimidating, but it does help set proper expectations, like a really weird baby sleeps through the night and this is not expected, it’s normal and even requires the baby to get up at least a few times at night.

It is important to choose scientifically based information about the child’s development and needs that I have already mentioned, so as not to fall into the trap of the “sleep teachers” who miraculously (ignore a child’s crying) teach babies to fall asleep. and sleep alone all night. West).

At this point, I would like to quote Sigita Valevičienė, whose book “The Way of Motherhood” I offer to read to all mothers, especially pregnant women or newborns: “Let’s know what a child needs, let’s meet him, but at the same time forgive us our imperfections. ” The sooner you do it, the easier it will be and the more joy motherhood will bring! We need to take off our crown, say goodbye to our omnipotence, dream of an ideal motherhood and accept life as it is. Then true love is born: love for yourself, love for a child and a life that no one can repeat. “

– What advice would you give yourself a few years ago now, after the birth of the firstborn?

– You should go back 10 years here. But it would probably be the same thing I wish for future mothers, even now. He would assure that there will be everything: and a lot of joy, happiness, the greatest sense of meaning imaginable, but there will also be great fatigue, pain, uncertainty, helplessness, guilt. Probably all loving mothers experience those feelings. There will be mistakes. But your child does not need a perfect mother either. Good enough is enough: who cares, tries to understand what a child needs, tries to help him, but understands that the fact that he gets angry or sleeps over and over again will not harm or hurt him. I wish I could relax and be as much as possible, not do it. Take care of yourself, your relationship with your husband, take care of your happiness. Because children need happy parents first!

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