I myself chose life with a gamer: sadly, my naivety cost me dearly

Alma littera published the book “Poker Girl’s Girl”. The author of the book is interviewed by journalist Laisvė Radzevičienė.

– Your phrase is stuck in the book: “Why am I telling you all this, you know I lost”. Can you tell me why you wrote your experience?

– I would carefully consider whether I should talk about it. It’s a sad story, believe me, I wanted to have my first novel on a completely different topic, but apparently it wasn’t destined. On the other hand, I wanted to encourage others to also talk about their problems, not to remain silent and hate some. Had it been open from the beginning, this story would have gone in a completely different direction. I know from experience that asking for help is much more difficult than giving it.

– Were you really so naive and didn’t understand much? Or maybe it was comfortable for you to live like this and not delve into what is happening?

– It is difficult to publicly admit your mistakes. I didn’t really understand much at first, poker seemed more like a leisure hobby than a lifestyle. Relationships are new, you are in love, looking through pink glasses. And when you are in trouble, you just say: I am stronger than my problems and you are trying to solve them. The story would sound even different if it weren’t for poker, but for a risky business idea or investing in the stock markets. We would not be talking about stigma, and the public would not condemn it so strongly: it is acceptable to earn money this way, but it is not. And yet, in both cases, we face risks that we cannot always measure.

– Maybe you loved so much that you could forgive everything? Although, in fact, in the beginning and the dismissal was not what …

– Forgiveness is the greatest gift that a person can give himself and others. Even now in hindsight my conscience is clear, I behaved in the way I thought was the best at the time. Pain and pity still wouldn’t change anything, and I long ago forgave him and myself for all my mistakes. I don’t want to have a stone in my mouth and say, I was just a victim of circumstance. I myself have chosen to live like this and take full responsibility for it.

– When did you realize that poker is a way of life, not a leisure?

– Probably after a good year in which I got to know the person better. Money came in and out very easily. In other words, completely different numbers came to mind than a traditional job with an average monthly salary. Also, in poker, there is always a success factor that determines the fruits of your labor, and when you only trust in success, it is very difficult to plan ahead.

– And when did the first thought about addiction arise?

– I certainly won’t say a specific day or time of year. The realization that there is a long-term problem is coming slowly. And sadly, there is never an easy way out of addiction.

– You say openly in the book that easy money has also turned your head. How do you explain today why you gave up then?

– I am a person with weaknesses, I also make mistakes. If it had been perfect, I certainly wouldn’t have written this story.

– Did you count how many times you wanted to end the relationship?

– I did not count because I would have lost the number.

– What worries you most in the world of poker?

– This is an area in which I have no experience, I cannot even play. I don’t know the world of poker, I only saw it from the side. I think there are professionals in this field who can make money from it, but there are also those who lose a lot from the game. Painful social advertising does not speak of it in vain.

– What does it mean to pronounce a phrase, be it poker or me?

– When you are young, you look at the relationship with a slightly different eye, you say to yourself: “Well, I will definitely not give my future partner ultimatums, I will not be a woman who gets angry or does not allow to meet friends after work. I will be a good girl / wife / partner ”. People are different, so sometimes you look for compromises. But there are values ​​that make you want to be categorically true to yourself, that’s why you have some ultimatums, even though you once said, God forbid, you said you wouldn’t.

– Why do players’ loved ones always hope that one day everything will change?

– Family members are those who stay close to the player regardless of the circumstances. Addiction is a disease, they are just trying to help. Walking away from a loved one, let’s face it, isn’t easy, although it sometimes seems like the easiest way out. I’m probably still a naive optimist because I think everyone can bounce back even after the biggest difficulties.

– I found the phrase in your book: “Not all players lose their souls.” After a painful experience, can you tell today who is lucky not to lose?

– Now I think, maybe I wrote too roughly, I put a lot of pain and suffering in my work at that time, many things were dark and cold. However, today I would like to make amends that I cannot lose my soul. It can hurt her, scar her, hurt her, but everyone has a path to redemption, no matter what damage has been done.

– Why is it so scary to admit the weakness of a loved one and their fears?

– Perhaps because we still live in a society where escalation is on the rise: smiles on Instagram near the Christmas tree, exotic travels, and related job achievements. We don’t talk about weaknesses in the public space, we put on a nice blanket and, as they say, we don’t take dirty clothes outside to show our neighbors. There is an internal dissonance: everything is beautiful on the outside and stuck on the inside.

– Have you ever felt like his girlfriend, but like your mother, teaching you how to behave and live?

– Faced with a problem, a person wants to solve it and seeks a solution. At that time, it seemed to me that the best help was control, that if I only told you how to live, so be it. But controlling another person is always just an illusion. It took me too long to understand that.

– What does perception mean – and my life is lost, not just yours?

– It is a sad perception, but it is not just about gambling (although it is the easiest). Every mistake you make in life comes at a cost, turning away from dreams and imagining what your perfect future should look like. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t going to go back in time, and what happened was already happening. I kept thinking that I could back down at any time and it wouldn’t affect me, but every experience shapes a person.

– When you read, it seems that you do not understand: he calls, says he cannot collect the money necessary to repair the car, and you take him and transfer six hundred, clearly knowing who the money will go to. Why !?

– Does the wife know that her husband is unfaithful because he still works overtime? In his book Talking to Strangers, Gladwell develops this theme perfectly: people believe even the stupidest stories, as long as they trust the person who tells them. It is enough to sprinkle a drop in a cup of lies to realize that you have been deceived, but until the cup is full, it is difficult to separate the truth from the lie.

– It is said that love is omnipotent. Why didn’t he save you?

– I still believe that love is omnipotent and gives meaning to life. If you didn’t expect a happy ending to life, you probably wouldn’t see the point in living. No matter how naive it sounds, I believe in my bright future in life despite painful experiences.

– Has writing helped you survive all this time?

– Writing is my therapy. I wanted to become a writer from an early age, but for practical reasons, or more precisely, because of the public stereotype that you wouldn’t make a living writing, I chose a completely different profession. I sent the first piece to publishers a few years ago, to be published later, my manuscript did not agree. My heart ached so badly and I told myself at that moment that I would never write again. Yeah sure! A few days later, new ideas occurred to me. Then I realized that no matter the circumstances of my life, I would always write. That is my identity, although it is hidden under nine locks.

– What would happen if you closed the door to your past stage of life today?

– Now I know how to survive. And at one point, it seemed not to.

– What if you revealed your real name?

– I read somewhere and I really liked the idea that happiness and sadness are opposite sides of the emotional spectrum. I am currently looking for balance in life and I would love to find inner peace. While others seek happiness, I want tranquility. So I am very happy to be able to publish my work anonymously without disturbing my private life and that of my loved ones. I also believe that the book does not need an author to promote it. For me the most important thing is to write, and whoever wants to read will not need my name for that.