How to speak with a teenager? The specialist identified parental errors that could be decisive

As clinical psychologist Jūratė Ašmantė observes, the typical portrait of parents and teenagers these days is quite bleak, according to a press release. “Violation of the hierarchy of relationships between parents and children, loss of parental authority, lack of dialogue, criticism and mutual claim daily, resentment and anger, frustration and resentment, distrust and indifference. The lightness and joy of the relationship, mutual respect and cooperation have been lost, ”says J. Ašmantė.

However, to say that disagreeing with parents during adolescence is only a problem at this age would not be entirely accurate, according to the psychologist. “A person who is going through a crisis of adolescence looks for himself, new ways of being and acting, so it is understandable that there are more tensions and conflicts in the relationship with the parents. For me, this portrait of the relationship between adolescents and parents is a reflection of our entire society and the relationships that prevail in it, the human feeling, their inner and outer being. There is a general sense of nonsense, lack of purpose, uselessness, frustration, boredom, demoralization, ”says the psychologist.

The efforts of parents in relationships with children: the value of gold

The psychologist believes that parents should take responsibility for the relationship with their children and can always seek a closer relationship with them.

“Parents must learn to give love in advance without expecting to receive something in return. They should strive to play the role of a loving and caring tutor or teacher who protects, defends and cares. Errors in communication such as commands and orders, criticism, appraisals, threats, counseling, comparing with others, quoting, preaching and moralizing, as well as shame should be avoided. The child’s indifference, closeness, parental avoidance and resistance to upbringing are usually the consequences of mistakes in parenting and prior communication, ”says J. Ašmantė.

For parents raising teenagers, the psychologist advises that the best educational option at this time is to communicate with the child as a friend. In addition, it is recommended to replace complaints with reinforcement, encouragement and support. For example, “I’m sure you will be well prepared for the test next time.” And if there is anger or other unpleasant feelings about certain actions of the child, it is more appropriate to use statements that begin with the pronoun “I” and emphasize his feelings that arose in a problem situation, rather than the behavior of the child. For example, “I was very excited when you didn’t get home at the agreed time. Come back when you promised.” In this case, according to the psychologist, we give the child feedback on the impact of his actions on those around him in the form of no reproach. It is important to change the requirements with inspiration, and if the child does not want to open up, you should start being more open with him.

Understanding and support are especially important for teens.

Eglė Kislovski, Member of the Board of the Lithuanian Union of Healthy People, teacher and founder and director of the GRL PWR program for girls, which has been running for three years, often follows the above-mentioned advice in practice. Although she pays close attention to working with children and adolescents, studies pedagogy, psychology, and takes an active interest in parenting issues, she faces the typical challenges of many parents almost every day.

“The daughters also have a change of mood and a reluctance to do something, as well as some apologies and similar problems. However, I think the main thing parents face is their desire to control their children. As a result, children are often not allowed to know how to be better, they are not allowed to hear their inner voice. It seems that we are parents, so we supposedly know when children get up, when to eat, when to do homework, when to wash and when not to wash, how to speak and how not to speak, ”laments the remarkable mother.

A woman is convinced that children have to learn from their mistakes, realize that it is normal to make mistakes, that they are not perfect, and that people are like everyone else.

“I try to allow my daughters to learn from my mistakes not by saying, ‘Didn’t I say?’, But by being around when they make mistakes, supporting and trying to understand first hand. I think this is especially important during adolescence, because children of this age really want understanding, support, love, the opportunity to make mistakes and to know that there is at least one person in the world that you can go back to and just stay, hug. and talk ”, is convinced E. Kislovski. .

There is no single answer in pedagogy

You are constantly trying to remind others that raising and educating children is an ongoing process and an endless search. She believes that with a recipe everyone would follow it, but the truth is that not only we, but also everyone’s children are different, so each of them, according to a woman, must be seen as an individual personality.

“It is cheap to talk and take care of good children who have already come into this world with a completely different task and are able to do a little more from the beginning. For example, be more humble, know how to listen, understand things much more easily. It is usually easy for them to learn in school, they know what it means to help and empathize. And we wonder how to care for those children who are different? Let’s say that if a child has no talent, he learns badly. When I go to the schools and look at the honor boards, most of the pioneers there, it really shakes my heart because it’s pretty easy to teach those kids. And where are those children and teachers who have managed to develop a full-blown personality with high values ​​and knowledge of a poor student or a naughty person? Shouldn’t they decorate the honor board? ”, Thinks the woman.

She says that the parents themselves, tired of stress, work and routine, should turn to themselves more often and ask timely questions: “Can I really love?”, “Can I understand others? “,” Can I listen to others and respect them? , “Why did I become a father or mother?” And so on. Dialogue with yourself can help calm you down, improve personal and interpersonal relationships.

Quarantine is offered as an opportunity to foster parent-child relationships.

Experts spoke about the fact that the quarantine has a negative effect on public health right in the middle of the first wave. This time around, the trials won’t get away, but parents who spend more time at home with their children should use it to build relationships, establish positive relationships, and share activities.

“Don’t leave children alone on their phones, computers, on the contrary, think about what you can do together. Talk, play, organize, go for a walk, watch movies or draw together, finally wash your car together, fix the garage or the closets in your house. Try to live together, not apart, but in a way that you and your child like, “recommends E. Kislovski.

She is also supported by the psychologist J. Ašmantė, who reminds her that in order to have a beautiful and harmonious relationship, both parties must inevitably listen. During quarantine, he also calls for reconsideration of how the child’s needs are being met and for more frequent discussions on how to implement them, and that both parties be given the floor at all times.

“Children learn from what they see, from the examples we give them. If you do not allow your child to be in front of the computer or smartphone for a long time, you should not immerse yourself in the smart devices for 15-20 minutes. per day “, recalls J. Ašmantė.