How to name the genitals of a child and why it is necessary to talk about it from an early age – this will prevent future problems

– When should I start talking to children about sexuality?

– Let’s start with what sexuality is. We usually understand it quite primitively: body, genitals, hormones, chromosomes, etc. But gender is much more: what we have in mind, how we understand ourselves, what kind of woman or man we are. Over time, that understanding changes. Officially, a person reaches the age of 25, and since then he begins to age, but sometimes we see that not all adults are fully sexually enlightened. However, we begin to lay the foundation for this even before the boy is born, when we create a picture of what kind of girl or boy we want. We decorate the room, the crib, buy clothes and prepare the ground in a rather stereotyped way for the personality of the child. The child is born only after a while he begins to realize little by little that this body is him, to understand that some touches are unpleasant, others pleasant. Then the basic cognition of the body begins. Adults name various parts of the body for a child: here is a hand, here is a leg. But when we get to sexual places, the parenting fantasy begins. Suppose that in my family these organs were called pempe and owl. For me, these animals are still related to the genitals. I would advise young children to name the real names of the organs: men – penis or penis, women – vulva. Because when we call it passwords, we send a message that it’s a shameful part of the body. Therefore, we must first dare to name them ourselves, because it is certainly not easy. Let’s say that when I give sex ed lectures to beginners, I immediately say that it will be a lot of fun for them now because I will say words that they may not be used to hearing. When I tell them, the children scream and even ask if they can laugh at them.

– From what age have children used these genital names?

– A child under two years of age can still use those infantile words, and from the two of them it is important to introduce anatomical names for two reasons: one is to break the circle of shame that is supposedly inappropriate, and the other name to another adult if something It hurts there, itches if someone has touched it.

There are two rules that parents should instill in their children: the three-step rule and the undergarment rule. The three-step rule is that we must teach a child from an early age about the power of speech, the personal limits of the body and what to do if someone transcends those limits. First, the child must verbally warn that he does not like the other’s behavior. If that doesn’t help, physically get out of the situation. If that doesn’t help, tell a trusted adult.

The underwear rule, or the swimsuit rule, attests to the fact that underneath these clothes there are private areas of our body that no one has the right to touch, see or ask to show, it is our property, they are valuable and they need to be protected. Places that are under other underwear are also protected and we cannot ask for them to be displayed. The child must understand that the limits of his body are a serious matter. Another important thing is that sex education in early childhood is the basis of how we behave when we are adolescents, in adulthood, it is the prevention of unpleasant experiences.

– How is it related?

– An American woman recounted how she had interacted with teenagers in provinces and cities for eight years about their sexual experiences and found that girls often did not know how to say no. When they meet and know that a guy will want something (although guys are different and don’t always want to have sex), they choose to satisfy a man orally, trying to look cool or fearing rejection because they don’t want to make love. This is due to the inability of parents to educate their children sexually. Let’s see how many educate girls and what they expect from them. Girls need to be pretty, neat, beautiful to be pleasing to the eye. We tolerate unpleasant behavior from boys much better than girls. Therefore, when an aunt tries to kiss her child during kinship meetings and the child does not want to, she has to say no. Because it is an exercise for the future.

– And what sexuality issues about maturity and relationships is important to address when talking to adolescents?

– It is important that both boys and girls can say no. The next thing to do is teach children to respect the wishes of others. We don’t have the ability to hear someone else’s “no”. It is a very common myth that if boys get behind a girl’s hair or move a skirt, then they like it. But the girl has the right to be angry. Let’s try to formulate this form of sympathy in the form of a question: would you mind if I straighten my hair now? Everyone knows what the answer will be. Are the boys stalking the girls? Not too much. They just take over cultural norms. If adults do not stop such behavior, they show that it is appropriate. Therefore, later on the bars and grabbed, because it is perceived as an expression of sympathy. This leads to more serious forms of violence.

Another topic is pornography, which is unfortunately available today at the touch of a button. When the children goglin, what is love or what is sex because parents do not count, they find all pornographic images. Teens are seeing this in droves. But pornography is very far from reality. Over time, it becomes more and more like an act of coercion. So it’s also important to talk to teens about this: what they see there, how they understand, how much truth there is, what it takes for a relationship to be safe. Porn is a great way to talk about love. All teenagers are messed up because they want to talk about it, it’s called sexual curiosity. The child becomes more and more adult. Those languages ​​help your conscience to rest. But a conversation is not enough, these topics must be discussed in a coherent way to develop the ability to think about them.

Sometimes teens say that you can learn about sex from pornography. No. Because there is a distorted image displayed.

– How do you present pornography to teenagers? Are you saying this is bad?

– I avoid such a simple assessment that here is wrong and here is right. Education is based on awareness. We provide information and ask questions, do you want such a relationship, what can be learned from it? So you hope to sow that seed of consciousness. Teenagers want to be good people, they want to build good relationships, but they don’t know how to do it.

– When raising children, you often want to divide household chores by gender: the boy will carry the garbage, and the girl will wash the dishes. But is that true?

– We must not educate boys and girls differently. On the other hand, we will not teach the boy about menstruation, we will give him the knowledge that he is literate and able to help, understand, but we will not explain the details. Likewise, for a girl, just a brief explanation of nocturnal ejaculation will suffice as one of the forms of puberty. But basically there are no masculine and feminine qualities. Or at least it shouldn’t be like that, but we live in a stereotypical society. In terms of gender inequality, women are much more likely to face more housework, a “second shift” of work both at work and at home, at a lower wage. The weak sphere of men is their emotional literacy. He is blocked. According to stereotypes, men do not cry, and if they cry, they are released with liquid eggs, bobs. Men die earlier because taking care of their bodies is not “masculine”, masculinity is simply enduring, and we teach this to young children. Yes, we have to raise children equally, but we must consider what kind of society they will enter.

– What can we do so that this exit to society does not ruin what we have put in?

– When reading books, watching videos, we have to name that world of stereotypes. We need to make it clear that not all rules are universal. We need to develop diversity competencies, to say that the world is diverse, that there are different people living here with different beliefs that we must respect, but not necessarily follow ourselves.