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He was unable to get close to his son after the beating allegations
According to Raminta (name changed – ed.), She has been divorced from the father of her child for many years. The divorce was not easy, and soon after, the ex-husband began gossiping against his son.
„2016 I found a job abroad and planned to go with the child. He was five years old at the time. I gave the ex-husband all the information about where we would be, where we would live and I hoped to reach an amicable agreement with him, but he did not give me permission to take the son. I had to choose: job or son. Of course, I chose a child and stayed in Lithuania. Although there were already manifestations of father-son prejudice against me on my father’s part, I, for my part, did not impose any restrictions on my father’s visits with my son.
2017 We agreed and enacted a schedule for a 15-day-old child to live with me and a 15-day-old child to live with my father. At that time, the child underwent a psychological examination and a partnership was established with both parents. By the way, a former man accused me of beating a child, but the data did not prove to be true.
In fact, he (the boy) talked so much about everything that if all this were to be believed, I would already be in jail.
The boy’s behavior gradually became strange. When he came back from his father, he kept telling me that if I hit him, he would tell me and then I could live with his father. I realized that these were not the thoughts of an eight-year-old boy, so I wrote to the State Service for the Protection of Children’s Rights and Adoption (CPTA) stating that the boy was being bullied. I decided to buy insurance this way. However, in May 2018, I received a letter saying that I had especially burned and beaten my son. Although there were no marks, bruises or burns, according to the father and the child, a pre-trial investigation was launched. I was forbidden to go near the child for a month.
A month later a survey was carried out in which, as the violence he experienced was recounted, the son began to laugh, exchanging testimonies from which it could be inferred that he did not remember what he had said before. Therefore, it was decided that this did not resemble the testimony of the child victim. In fact, I had talked so much that if all this had been believed, I would already be in jail. For example, I hit him with a belt 15 times in the park, even though I’m not even wearing a belt. The prosecutor provided the minor with a psychological-psychiatric examination, during which it was established that he was affected in the father’s environment. The investigation was terminated, “said the interlocutor.
The child no longer wants to communicate with the mother.
But the son did not return to his mother. His father motivated the boy to fear his mother and not want to live with her. Raminta had to go meet him at school to communicate, at least during breaks. She appealed to the GAEC stating that the ex-husband was not complying with the court’s decision and did not bring the girl, who has to live with her for 15 days, but the specialists only shook hands: they cannot help anyone because he the child may refuse to return.
„2019 the ex-husband accused me again of hitting a child at school. The cameras were inspected, but nothing was found and a pre-trial investigation was not launched. He has now filed a lawsuit to establish a place of residence with him for the child, although I no longer object. It is important for me to stay in contact with the child, but the child is so affected that he no longer considers me a member of the family.
Once a week in the service, in the presence of a psychologist, I was assigned appointments with a child. We have an hour, but the child is left alone for 10 to 20 minutes. You begin to complain that your head or abdomen hurts. He communicates with me in a very disrespectful way.
Recently, according to the husband’s demand, another examination was carried out on the child, during which it was confirmed that the child’s relationship with the father is stronger, but experts pointed out that the mother rejects the mother in an unnatural way. Obviously, seeing his father’s anger, hearing negative evaluations, takes over his father’s emotions and attitudes. The expert report also indicated that due to the psychological health of the child, it is necessary to strengthen the child’s relationship with the mother, ”said the woman.
Photo by Vida Press / Sad child
Unfortunately, her relationship with the boy only gets worse. Raminta is convinced that the servants in this situation, in a sense, applauded the father, although they had to more strictly assess the authority of the father and his impact on the child.
The service assures you that there is nothing you can do
“It seems that the Family Code regulates parental responsibilities, the law also establishes that children must have both parents, but in reality there are no means of assistance when such a situation arises.
My husband and I got divorced because we couldn’t live together, but the child is innocent, he shouldn’t feel affected by our conflicts. Especially since I never gave the child to my dad, I never told him to choose. For me, in general, it was a novelty that the child could choose whether to carry out the sentence.
By the way, the last examination pointed out that the boy, although he is already 11 years old, cannot make a decision in this situation because he does not know the real truth, he is against his mother, but the service did not take this into account. account.
I have already accepted the idea that I am not going to have a child, painful as it may be. All I can know is that he is alive. And I don’t expect him to want to interact with me in the future while growing up in such an environment. This is brutal psychological violence both against me and against the child, which will have sad consequences for the child in the future. However, the services that have to protect the interests of the child say that they are powerless ”, lamented the interlocutor.
I have already accepted the idea that I will not have a child, painful as it may be. All I can know is that he is alive.
When asked what action he would expect from child rights professionals, Raminta considered that in this situation, when a civilized agreement cannot be reached, administrative sanctions may be imposed.
“I petitioned the bailiff for such penalties, and he petitioned the VVA, T, and he replied that if the boy did not want to reunite, nothing else could be done. But perhaps it would motivate a man not to psychologically harm a child if had to pay a fine of 100 euros for each day of non-execution of the sentence? In addition, the child is taught to lie, which is already a crime against him.
The Civil Code establishes that parents are responsible for maintaining contact with their children during a divorce. In this case, no connection can be said, there is all the evidence that the father was influenced. I am not allowed to speak to the child even on the phone. The ex-husband motivates that the child is old and chooses whether to respond, but the father could encourage the son to call the mother. I don’t say every day, at least twice a week. It’s just that my hands are shaking, I don’t have bad habits, I work, I’m studying, I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong, but when I see that a child is being hurt and the state institutions are completely inactive, it’s a double pain,
I am not allowed to speak to the child even on the phone.
What advanced professionals offer
Founder of Equivalent Parenting Association (LTA) Ramūnas Kvietkauskas According to him, this story is an illustration of a phenomenon in the science of psychology called parental rejection.
Although parental rejection is one of the most brutal forms of psychological violence against children, its prevalence in Lithuania has not been studied and many specialists do not even know how to recognize it. This in no way contradicts the “red lines” declared by some professionals and politicians for alleged violence, and in fact, for the most part, in the fight against “birch mush.” The world’s most advanced experts recognize that psychological violence harms no less, and often even more, than physical harm.
Based on research conducted abroad, we estimate that there could be in a thousand in Lithuania. up to 5 thousand. children experiencing severe parental rejection (who have completely lost contact with one parent as a result of dismissal), and 4,000. up to 20 thousand. children experiencing mild to moderate parental rejection. “Our association is aware of a hundred fathers and mothers who often experience severe rejection from their fathers,” said the interlocutor.
According to the association, in cases of severe rejection by parents, assistance must take two steps: first, the child must be removed from a violent environment, that is, separated from the provider and placed in a neutral environment (as in any other case of severe violence). ).
There could be as many as a thousand in Lithuania. up to 5 thousand. children experiencing severe parental rejection.
The second step, a little less urgent, but no less important, is the implementation of a reunification therapy program for the child who has been separated from the parent (father or mother). There are several overseas reconnection programs, the most famous of which is Richard Warshak’s Family Bridges. The efficiency of these programs is approximately 95% and the duration is only a few days.
In cases of milder parental rejection, mediation, consultation and mediation by psychologists is recommended until the children’s connection to the parental outcast has been completely cut off. It should be noted, however, that in cases of severe parental rejection, these measures are contraindicated as they only aggravate the situation.
“Unfortunately, specialists and judges in Lithuania completely ignore this aspect: they do not recognize the easy rejection of the parents, when the mediation of a psychologist could help, and in cases of severe rejection of the parents they do not dare to separate the child from the abuser “, recommend” communicate through a psychologist “for a child. In this way, our professionals and judges truly become allies in this violence (rejection by parents).
The denial of the problem of parental rejection of services is so great that advanced professionals even advise marginalized parents to step back and not fight.
The denial of the problem of parental rejection of services is so great that advanced professionals even advise marginalized parents to step back and not fight. “Fighting the Windmills” is how many marginalized parents describe their experiences with our children’s rights courts and services. In such cases, it is recommended to inform the child about the withdrawal by writing him a so-called “farewell letter”, which is described in detail in the aforementioned R. Warhak book “Poison of divorce”, R. Kvietkauskas argued.
According to the LTA representative, when the responsible authorities do not provide assistance, it is also recommended to use the “drops of love” methodology described in Tammy Mariposa’s book “Be Your Own Hero”. It has been observed that by spreading love to their children, let alone a “drop” (because when they are excluded, they cannot physically do so more intensely), parents often regain contact with their children within a few to several years. . This usually happens when children are adults and adults. Without the “drops of love” methodology, even adult children often do not resume communication.
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