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Jūratė Marcinkevičienė, a psychologist with the State Service for the Protection and Adoption of Children’s Rights, says that at least it is possible to reduce this risk. In his message, he emphasizes that there are indeed many beautiful examples of people from divorced families forming strong marriages, fostering a beautiful and long-lasting relationship, and raising children.
Every year, 7,000 children are left without a parent
The pattern of behavior that a child will choose to grow up largely depends on the correct behavior of the parents during and after the divorce, on how the parents will explain to the child about their divorce, what example of communication they will show. According to the psychologist, children who experience divorce from their parents also need psychological help in many cases.
Statistics show that the number of divorces in Lithuania is increasing every year. Almost one out of every two marriages in our country stands out. 2019 more than half (54%) of divorced couples had children under the age of 18. After a divorce, around 7,000 children live without a father (usually without a father) each year. 2009-2019 more than 80 thousand people remained in single-parent families. children.
“The large number of divorces in Lithuania means that the number of families in which one or both members of the couple come from single parents is increasing. Research confirms that these families are more likely to get divorced, children of divorced parents tend to marry earlier, and are much more likely not to maintain the marriage. If the parents of both newlyweds are divorced, the risk of divorce increases by up to 620 percent at the beginning of the marriage and decreases to 20 percent only in the eleventh year of marriage, ”says J. Marcinkevičienė, psychologist at the Service.
According to her, the divorce of the parents is not just a fact. It is a long process that begins before divorce, and the consequences can be felt for a long time. Each child responds individually to a divorce, but the truth is that for everyone, this event is painful and often unexpected. The consequences of parental divorce largely depend on how the parents treat the child and each other.
Parents’ divorce hurts children.
“Divorce of parents has a great impact on the psyche of a child. Children observe parents and copy their pattern of behavior. The family is the basis for the formation of a child’s value system and, after the parents’ divorce, this basis often loses stability. The divorce process affects the child’s understanding of himself and the environment, increases his vulnerability, behavioral and emotional difficulties may arise that determine the adaptation of the child and are important for the ability to create long-term and permanent relationships in the future ”, says J Marcinkevičienė.
When divorcing, it is important to remember the child.
According to the psychologist, children who have survived their parents’ divorce need help and psychological support in many cases. It can be the support of parents, colleagues, loved ones. It is good that qualified professionals can provide psychological help.
The psychologist emphasizes that despite the continuous painful experiences associated with the divorce process, it is important that parents do not leave their children in the dark. It should be remembered that divorce is not just a parental matter – children experience this process extremely painfully. Clearly, divorce increases the likelihood that children will face a variety of challenges, so it is important for parents to provide comprehensive and consistent support for their children.
“It is important for a child to learn about the divorce process not from strangers, but from those closest to him. Children need to know what is going on in the family. They must be answered with questions of interest. The role of adults in this The process is essential. Parents need to pay attention to the child, delve into his inner world and the feelings he experiences. In this way, parents can help the child acquire a proper understanding of divorce and help him to overcome it more easily ”Says J. Marcinkevičienė.
It is important to help children correctly understand the changes during the period of divorce. Children have the right to know what is going on in the family and to have a clear and acceptable picture of the causes of divorce. It is necessary to explain to the child that he is not to blame for the parents’ divorce, that the father or mother does not abandon him. “Some children may come to the wrong conclusion that parents are not only leaving their spouse but also them. Divorce can also be thought of as just a temporary thing, and with a lot of effort it can help the parents get back together again. Such thinking creates unreasonable expectations for the child and does not help to overcome the crisis. The unrealistic hope that the parents will be able to live together again increases the child’s sense of responsibility for the divorce, ”says the psychologist.
According to her, it is also very important that the child is not used by different parents as a weapon, an object of manipulation to interpret the relationship, taking revenge on each other.
Father and son
Advice from the psychologist to parents on how to deal with a divorce with the least possible harm to the child and the least possible probability that the child has grown up in a generational divorce pattern:
• Explain the current situation to the child in a language they understand (depending on the child’s age).
• Tell the child that he is not guilty of the parents’ divorce.
• Explain to the child who you will be living with, when and how you will be able to see the other parent who moves.
• Explain to the child that divorce is not temporary, that the parents will no longer live together.
• Accept the child’s feelings (anger, guilt, fear, etc.), try to delve into the inner world of the child.
• In conflicts between adults, the child should not be at the center of them. It is necessary to distinguish between the relationships between the spouses and their relationships with the children. It goes without saying, for example, “Dad is misbehaving, so we’re not taking him home anymore.”
• When the parents live apart, it is important that the child hears and sees the respectful relationships of both parents, even if they are divorced.
• It is not appropriate for parents to blame the child for transferring the negative qualities of a divorced partner to the child, for example, a mother who is going through a severe divorce may, by the way, tell her child to “yell at me like a father ”and so on.
• Communication based on respect between divorced parents is important. Constructive problem-solving skills enable the child to understand that even without living together, the parents can agree and provide the child with full support and assistance.
Psychologist J. Marcinkevičienė emphasizes that care, coherence, consistency and timely assistance to children provide the opportunity to emotionally survive the crisis more easily due to the divorce of the parents. Emerging skills for constructive stress management and conflict resolution, and child mental health care, increase the likelihood that children will be more successful in building long-term relationships in the future.
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