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Kristina’s journey to the family home was long and difficult, Inesa and Valentinas tell the news portal tv3.lt. It all started with the fact that the girl was Inesa’s patient in the Department of Child Psychiatry at the Republican Hospital in Klaipeda.
Remember the first meeting today
The girl’s childhood was not easy: she grew up with her mother, her father was not in her life and she entered the child psychiatry department because she did not see the meaning of living.
“Until she was 13 years old, if I am not mistaken, until the first lie in the ward, the girl grew up alone with her mother, she never met her father, he did not participate in her life. She was a daughter, she grew up with a mother and a grandmother attended her home quite often. The girl was raised as very socially disadvantaged. When she went to kindergarten, the situation changed a little because she felt free, she wanted to find friends, she started a kind of rebellion against her mother, conflicts began between her. At school, no one paid attention, perhaps he drew, but nowhere was it addressed due to the difficult situation in the family, ”said I. Golubovskaja about the pupil’s childhood.
When Kristina found herself in the ward, Inesa, along with other professionals, realized that the root of the problem was most likely in the family, so she initiated an appeal to the children’s rights ward.
“When a girl falls in love with us, of course, we appreciate the whole situation, we work not only with the children, but also with the whole family, because we always assume that the child’s problems come first from the family and it is very important to analyze what what is happening in the family. When we met with my mother, it became clear to us that there is a high probability that the girl’s psychological problems stem from a relationship with her mother and our department was the initiator that realized that she had to go to the department of rights of the child. boy. We went there and the process began: family, assessment of the situation, we had to attend meetings on the rights of the child ”.
PHOTO GALLERY. Golubowski family
The woman remembers the first meeting with the girl as if it were today, both the appearance of Kristina on the first visit and the hostility she had to face.
“The first meeting took place about 4 years ago at my work. There the children did not fall unnecessarily, she had serious psychological difficulties. Our first contact was quite complicated because she was very defensive, hostile not only to me, as I understood later, but also to all people, because that is how she was taught in her primary family, such values are instilled that everyone is an enemy. , wants to hurt, hurt, do something wrong.
The girl looked very hostile, she was dressed in black, her eyes were black, she looked at me from all sides, she didn’t want to talk, she didn’t want to lie in the apartment. Often the doctor would ask me to talk to the children and encourage them to lie down in the room. I reasoned and she somehow agreed, she slept in the apartment and from there, I think, the whole journey began when she came to our family ”, recalls Inesa.
Easter celebrated at home is fateful
It took a lot of effort to make contact with the girl: Kristina was afraid of letting strangers get close to her, she was anxious, and she learned to trust people. Inesa says there have been all kinds of days, but the connection has been made.
“There were all kinds of days – one day a girl wants to come to me, runs to the office, asks, the next day it is closed, isolated, shows by all means that she no longer wants to come to me. A very ambivalent relationship has begun to develop, based on mistrust, both I want and I am afraid ”, said the interlocutor.
After the evaluation of the department of children’s rights, it was decided to transfer Kristina to a welfare center, but the girl spent little time there; he soon returned to his mother. At that point, Kristina was no longer Inesa’s patient, but they would sometimes get together to talk, sometimes as planned and sometimes completely unexpected.
“He returned with his mother’s family and after that he no longer went to the apartment, we communicated very periodically, rarely, but we would see each other from time to time on the street, we planned a meeting, we went for a walk, we talked, he asked how I was The girl was trying to present at that moment that everything in her life was good – she was very focused on her studies, she became the president of the student body and then it was very obvious that it was not good for her that she was suffering inside. ”I. Golubovskaja said in a disappointing voice.
Together with her husband, realizing that it was not good for the girl, they both decided to invite Kristina to celebrate Easter together. Kristina was uncomfortable, but she got on herself, communicated, and then on the occasion she came to visit.
“I dared to invite her to celebrate Easter with me, Kristina was very surprised for two reasons – first of all, that I invited her because I kept a certain distance from her, because she knew that I was very important to her and if she showed me more attention, she would girl would feel very hurt if I did not take her to live with me. Another reason: he said we never celebrate any holidays, he said it would be very strange to do so. To my surprise, she welcomed, arrived, celebrated Easter with our family.
There were cases when during Mother’s Day he came to us on his own initiative, greeted me and brought gifts. It was very obvious that the girl did not want to go home and it was very painful for us to see this situation ”.
Visible changes are rewarding
Seeing that Kristina liked her home, she herself said that she felt safe in them, Valentinas and Inesa began to say that they wanted to give the girl a safe home, peace and wrap her in love.
Valentinas does not hide that there was a lot of reflection: she had to get out of her comfort zone, but no matter how many thoughts come to her mind, she took Kristina into foster care after a month and a half, and two years after her. Known Kristina became a permanent guardian.
“We started talking about the fact that everything is very scary, whether we like it or not, or if we can. Get out of your comfort zone and help a child who has problems of his own, those problems immediately carry over to us. There were some of those fears, arguments. A week of time, you could say, just the considerations were how serious it is.
As the saying goes, there is a pavilion honeymoon from the beginning. We had a honeymoon like this for about 2-3 weeks with the baby when he looks silky, well, everything is perfect, very beautiful, very good. Then, after that honeymoon, all the difficulties began, everything was. We are angry, angry with ourselves and with doubts ”, remembers Valentinas.
The couple are happy that they are now seeing Kristina’s wonderful changes for the better; after all, she has had to learn to let people in, to understand how the family works, and now she is taking on more responsibility for herself.
“It was difficult for her to relax, she was very tense, busy, she didn’t know how and what to say, what she could and couldn’t. She still dreamed of nightmares about her past, her family, even about us for fear that we would not accept her. There she was, she was sleeping, we were leaving and we were all worried: where were we lost, why didn’t we say it. There was a lot of insecurity both on our side and on the girls’ side.
Now the situation has changed radically, what we see today has changed: more relaxed, learned to communicate with respect, understand what the functions of parents are, when to contact us, how to communicate with us, how to communicate with friends. Learn to be more responsible for yourself.
He went through all the stages of development that he did not go through in his original family. At first she was like a little girl – she needed physical contact, she was very close, she would not let us, she would not let go of her eyes, she would ask to read fairy tales, she would do her hair – it was very important to her ”, says Inesa, adding that this summer the The girl has already found a job, saves money and has very rational dreams.
The most important thing is to get out of the comfort zone.
Kristina has finished the eleventh grade, but there is no fear that the girl will soon have to be released to the rest of the world. Valentin says that if he had asked himself that question a couple of years ago, the answer would have been quite different, but they are both smiling – all fears have disappeared as Kristina has changed and is moving into adult life.
When asked what lessons had enriched the life of Kristina’s family, the man emphasizes that he received the most lessons in the mentoring course; Without them, you would probably not be emotionally ready and exhausted, and Inesa emphasizes that the change is very difficult to absorb because it took placing internally.
“Personally, I learned a lot to control my own emotions, which I did not know before, to forgive rather, to ask first and not first to make assumptions about what I used to do before. I, personally, learned to love because I think you have to learn it. .
I learned to respect the opinion of another, to accept another person. When the boy got home, he seemed to know very well, given that he was a psychologist, but it was easier to let someone else enter the work environment, but we let Kristina not only enter the house but in the heart. I learned to love, to accept and I think I learned these things less and less ”, the woman smiles.
Valentinas and Inesa say that when we consider care, we must first get out of our comfort zone, only then do we improve and learn.
“I advise you to leave fear nearby, it will probably not disappear for a while. But decisions must be made knowing that it can change lives and teach a lot. You should not be afraid to learn, go ahead and do it,” smiles the interviewee.
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