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Dominic is the real name of a young man. He is currently being treated in the hospital for a month for a diagnosed bipolar disorder (a mental health condition that causes a sudden change in mood). The boy admits that accepting this diagnosis was not easy. Immediately, thoughts began to circulate through his mind about how to live with her, how she would be perceived by those around him, but now he knows: knowing his illness, he will be able to live a full life.
He has a lot of plans for the future: graduating, volunteering at an institution like Jaunimo linija to help others, but his most important plan is to live. “I want to live. And that is the most important thing,” assures the interlocutor.
However, there was little to stop this conversation from taking place.
– Tell me from the beginning. What happened in your life that you started to think about suicide?
– In my life, everything was turned upside down in December of last year. There have been falls, suicidal thoughts in the past, but in December there were so many circumstances that things got worse.
Suddenly I have COVID-19. At that time I was thinking of going back with my grandparents to celebrate the holidays, but I had to isolate myself, a girl left me at Christmas. And also quarantine, which isolates …
I started to feel like I was falling, that no one was interested in me. Over time, I began to hear voices repeating to me that life was not worth living, that I had to die, still no one cared about me, no one needed me. They were very clear voices in my mind, as if someone else was speaking to me.
I began to hear voices repeating to me that life was not worth living, that I had to die, I still didn’t need anyone.
Feeling that bad things were happening to me, I called the Youth Line every day and spoke to the volunteers for an hour. They kept urging me to seek more help, but that voice in my mind did not allow me to do so believing that I did not need help.
Twice it happened that I woke up in an unfamiliar place and couldn’t remember how I got out of the house and what I was doing. These were the places where I was for the first time. When I got up I was very scared, I called the Youth Line again, they helped me to orient me.
In particular, things took a turn for the worse on January 2. After another conversation with a Youth Line volunteer, I lost my memory again. I thought I was asleep and actually found some videos on my phone saying goodbye to everyone.
And the hardest day was January 12. As I remember now, when I got up in the morning I went to volunteer at the children’s day center, there I played the piano for the first time, the whole day was great, but a voice in my head told me to throw everything away. and come home. At that moment, it seemed to me that it was not a voice but my thoughts. Only now, already in treatment, do I begin to understand what was happening to me at that time. I got home, I lay down on the bed, and it seemed like I was repeating myself, and in fact, that voice was telling me, “I don’t need anything, I don’t want anything.”
At nine in the evening I got up, got dressed and went for a walk. The goal was to exhaust myself to fall asleep. I saw people around me, trapped, guiding animals … And I started to feel like I was not in control again. My own legs take me somewhere. I don’t want to go there at all, but I can’t do anything.
Marius Vizbaras / 15min photo / World Suicide Prevention Day is celebrated in Kaunas
– And where did those legs take you?
– I walked over to the bridge and got on the handrail. Fortunately, I felt a faint urge to call. And not to someone close to you, but to the “Youth Line”. The conversation lasted one hour and forty minutes. Of these, I spoke for twenty minutes sitting on the railing. The volunteer managed to make me fall, but there seemed to be some invisible walls around me that prevented me from moving from the bridge. Like someone is controlling me.
Perhaps there is a person like you in appearance, but there is no one who thinks similarly.
– How was the conversation?
– I called scared, crying. I said I want to live but my other black side doesn’t want to. I started talking about my inner struggle, but the volunteer who responded started asking me a variety of things: what activities do I like, what do I like, he talked about the fact that each of us is unique: who would think similarly. Let’s take a pencil: you might imagine it in red and I in black. So now you have to think that the small part that wants to fight and live is the most important thing in the world ”. I kept asking if I had at least moved from that bridge and started some new topic to distract my dark side so much. as possible.
It was a delicate conversation about everything, about me, about my family. I told her that I felt very lonely, and she said: “You are not alone, I am next, I would be by your side physically, but I am next to the thoughts and now I am bringing you closer. Close your eyes, imagine, take my hand and let’s go together. ”I closed my eyes and really saw her.
I started crying even more, but I was already moving off the bridge. This image helped me not to see the darkness, but only the hand that she held out to me. So he took me to the city center.
Incredible: the conversation began with tears, sadness and pain, and ended with laughter and joy. She kept repeating that holding me upright, holding my hand and holding it until I came off the bridge. And it really helped me. When we said goodbye, I immediately called an ambulance. This is how I ended up in the hospital.
I call that day my second birthday. “Close your eyes, look at my hand, take it and let’s go together”, were the loudest words I heard that day. And now that it gets tough, I close my eyes when I close my eyes and gain the strength to move on.
“Close your eyes, look at my hand, take it and let’s go together”, were the loudest words I heard that day.
– How do you feel, what thoughts are you living with now?
– When I found myself in a psychiatric hospital, I realized that there are still many stereotypes about her. Even those close to me were afraid that they would only listen to me here with medications. Not at all! Yes, medications are also prescribed, but every day a doctor comes in and asks me how I feel if there are any side effects from the medication.
People go to bed here with all kinds of problems, but we talk, we argue, we play board games, we go out to enjoy the snow. We have occupational therapy, art therapy, and various other activities. Being here helps me recover. And after treatment, I will go to psychosocial rehab so I can get back to life.
While I was here, I read M.Repšis’s book “Hercules No. 4” (on bipolar disorder – ed.). The strangest thing is that I myself am now in the fourth room. Maybe I’m not Hercules, but I’m also fighting. I am not afraid to admit, I am not afraid to tell my story and I am not afraid to say my real name because I know that there are many people who are afraid to even ask for help and I want to encourage them. Sometimes you need to press, but you actually have to pick up the phone and make the call yourself.
I was afraid to call 112, I was afraid to call my loved ones, but I was not afraid to call the helpline. They persuaded me to seek help. I am very happy about this now and I want as many people as possible to realize that there is always help available on request. You just have to want to fight. I admit it, that fight is difficult, it was difficult being here the first days, but today I see life increasingly bright.
Help is always available upon request. You just have to want to fight.
„Youth Line ”receives about 100 calls a day
The Jaunimo linija youth support organization is one of the first non-governmental organizations in Lithuania, founded on February 16, 1991, which this year celebrates its 30th anniversary. It currently has more than 300 service volunteers in Vilnius, Kaunas, Klaipeda and Skuodas.
The Youth Line receives calls approximately 100 times a day, but unfortunately volunteers cannot answer all calls; they respond between 50 and 60%. calls. Then the need is much greater.
“We have noticed that during the quarantine there has been an increase in consultation calls, when callers share difficulties, they tell about their difficulties. There has also been an increase in the average length of a conversation, suggesting that people really need to speak, speak, and be heard right now.
Most of the time we get calls when people talk about relationships and the issues associated with them (about 25% of those calls). Conversations related to suicidal intentions or suicidal thoughts, living with a mental illness, looking for the meaning of life are also frequent.
Calls like Dominykas’ are quite common on the Youth Line, but it is especially important and gratifying that Dominykas agrees to talk about his experience in public without hiding. In this way, you not only express great gratitude to our volunteers and motivate them to continue to sacrifice their time in a meaningful way, but also reduce the stigma of mental illness in society, especially among young people, give hope to other patients ”Rita said. Stanelytė, Communications Manager at Jaunimo linija.
According to her, Dominyk’s story is also an inspiration for other young people: when it is difficult, when life seems unbearable, it is necessary to tell someone. If there are no family or friends, there is a Youth Line or other telephone helpline.
“Dominik’s story also helps to understand that a diagnosis of mental illness is not a verdict, so if you have bipolar disorder, depression, or any other mental illness, you should seek professional help. With the help of professionals, you can control the disease and living with it ”, urged the interviewee.
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