Growing up as a homosexual son, Jolanta: “Love your son, no matter what he is” | Life

The son admitted to being gay

As an adult and a graduate, Jolanta’s son was determined to admit to his parents that he was gay. One day he called his mother and announced that he would return from Vilnius to speak. That time he told me everything.

“It was not unexpected for me, but I still experienced a shock. When homophobes expressed their hatred, I thought, what if my son was like this? It was like he was suspicious, but I didn’t dare ask because I was probably scared too. I always thought he would tell me. And it was delayed because there was no adequate opportunity, waiting for the best moment. In the end, he had to understand himself, go through many difficulties, “recalls J. Vaitiekūnienė.

Before her son’s confession, Jolanta looked at the LGBT community in a neutral way: she knew there were people, but she didn’t know them personally. So when she found out about her son’s homosexuality, she first felt great shame.

“I think people my age hid their homosexuality or transgender after any marriage,” considers J. Vaitiekūnienė. – I listened to the son and did not understand anything. I felt bad because I couldn’t give my son a shoulder, the world is already attacking him and I still can’t support him. “

Due to lack of knowledge, Jolanta’s son immediately asked for as much literature as possible to get to know the LGBT community and understand what to do next. Furthermore, the mother immediately realized that she had to behave in such a way that she herself would not hurt her son.

“At that time I wasn’t even using the Internet, I thought I needed to go to the library, I needed to get something. Finally, my son gave me to watch documentaries, feature films. For over a month I did my homework, during which I cried a lot. I followed everything a bit, it interested me and I still do. Little by little, an inexhaustible source of knowledge, experiences and testimonies opened up ”, says J. Vaitiekūnienė.

For over a month I did my homework, during which I cried a lot.

Jolanta has always been very close to her son, so she does not hide that she felt strange and even a little hurt when the boy waited so long and did not admit his homosexuality.

“Of course he knows me, he knows how emotional I am, so he probably expected various reactions,” admits J. Vaitiekūnienė. – The experiences of his friends were of all kinds, and some parents even distanced themselves. For my son, however, it was an important step and he said that he would not hide anything from his parents. He didn’t keep lying, not everyone is successful so I’m thankful he didn’t break it. “

He began to speak out loud about the LGBT community.

Gradually reassured by the news she heard, Jolanta says she experienced a variety of emotions. However, he quickly realized that only speech could reduce homophobia, which would be his chosen path.

“Mothers around the world say that the only way to fight hate is through disclosure. Then people stumble and some hates stop, move away. My struggle is to educate the public with my testimonies,” explains J Vaitiekūnienė.

Jolanta became increasingly interested in the LGBT community, meeting people and not thinking about activism for a while. His process of reconciliation with the message lasted 1-2 years, during which he had to realize that people from the LGBT community were a discriminated group.

“When my son confessed, he was too weak to be an activist. What worried me was not the presence of the son as an LGBT person, but his insecurity, – admits J. Vaitiekūnienė. – The activism started when I attended the European Conference of LGBT Relatives in Warsaw in 2016. There I saw people exposing themselves, debating, protesting and fighting for the rights of LGBT people. “

What worried me was not the presence of the son as an LGBT person, but his insecurity.

When she returned from Warsaw, Jolanta was extremely excited and motivated as she realized that she had to start speaking out loud in Lithuania.

“First I had to reveal that I have such a son. It was taking responsibility, emotional preparation, because going out in public without a base underfoot cannot end in any way, ”says the mother.

When she began to take an active interest in the LGBT community and to speak out about it, Jolanta faced angry and offensive comments from people who initially scared her. But now he says he understands those commenters.

“There was such an education, people are not very literate politically and emotionally, they are unhappy, they have unfortunate lives. I see on Facebook comments from some old acquaintances that contribute to homophobia.

I sigh and I am glad to have such a child, because those mothers with children were unsuccessful: a child in jail, another drug addict. In Lithuania, many unhappy families who have experienced their own tragedies are attacking the LGBT community, ”says J. Vaitiekūnienė.

She knew from the start that she would be an open mother

Jolanta herself had to face the nasty comments head-on. However, his close environment does not say anything to the woman and he gets most of the offensive words online.

“I have distanced myself from fools from the beginning,” says J. Vaitiekūnienė. – I have a rainbow flag hanging in the backyard of my house for the second month, but I did not feel any threat. I block the personal fear messages that I receive. I realize that no hatred can break me. Whatever it is. Sometimes I want to fight, but I inspire and understand that there is no need to fight with the same methods with others. But there are times when I hide the phone so I don’t write something nasty. “

Although Jolanta bravely opposes homophobes, she admits that she feels weak at times. In difficult times, he receives help from a community of loved ones of LGBT people.

“These are mothers with whom we meet, call, talk, support each other and sometimes gossip,” says J. Vaitiekūnienė.

According to Jolanta, having a community with which you can share your feelings at any time is extremely important.

“When my son confessed, I immediately wondered where I could find the same mother. Uncles and wondering what others are doing? I looked for them but didn’t know where to find them. After all, I will not ask passersby for help on the street.

I asked my son what other mothers were doing and he said he didn’t know, but some of his friends didn’t tell their moms. When I opened, I received many messages from my mom with thanks. Then I realized that I had done well and never regretted it, ”says J. Vaitiekūnienė.

When the son confessed, I immediately wondered where I could find the same mother.

According to Jolanta, it is very important that children in the LGBT community feel the support of their parents, because that way they feel more secure.

“One of the movies your son brought in was ‘Prayers for Bob.’ I looked at it three times and cried; at that moment I realized that I would be such a mother. Not today, not tomorrow, because I need to prepare, but I’ll be open. I told my son that we would not remain silent and that we would have to tell the world the truth, ”says J. Vaitiekūnienė.

Although Jolanta has had almost no contact with the LGBT community in the past, she says she noticed positive changes. According to her, people have come a long way, but still have little work.

“We are waiting for some politicians to do something. This has not happened in any country. There were movements of parents everywhere together with LGBT community organizations, they went step by step. It seems to me that we have done very little homework, avoiding opening up. I can’t blame people, not only do they open up to themselves, but because they feel insecure, ”says the mother.

We are waiting for some politicians to do something. This has not happened in any country.

Jolanta does not hide that, as a mother, she has experienced various emotions in her life, but she is convinced that there are no ideal mothers. However, in her upbringing, she always emphasized to her son that he had to be human first, which, according to her, she managed to implement quite well.

“Even when we love our children very much, sometimes we hurt them. There were conflicts and complaints in our family, but there are no perfect parents, considers J. Vaitiekūnienė. – I always taught my son not to humiliate others, to make fun of him. I was lucky because I always heard applause at my parents’ meetings, where they asked me how I could raise my son this way ”.

Although Jolanta had to go the easy way until she found the strength to speak out loud about the LGBT community and accept the message she heard from her son, the woman has advice for other mothers.

“Love your son, no matter what he is,” says J. Vaitiekūnienė openly. – From what I’ve heard, most mothers’ reactions are very painful. Looks like you got shot. Those who are more educated and have seen more of the world react more easily, but we, my contemporaries, are experiencing this almost as a family tragedy due to such a society.