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Why is the relationship frozen?
“According to statistics, married couples will divorce this year after about 12.5 years of living together. This average is calculated by adding the number of years of divorce and living together. I usually have partners who come at this time.
These are people from 40 to 42 years old, generally with children from 8 to 12 years old. The main reason couples turn to professionals is the cooling of the relationship when there is no longer the desire to be together. From the moment they swore at the altar to live together forever, many different things happened. Therefore, the question arises: is it possible to continue living under the same roof?
They are to blame for the grievances that accumulate over the years of living together. At first, they forget, but there comes a time when there are so many that one of the partners closes the door or both decide to try to maintain the relationship, mainly because of the children. However, if there is a lot of pain, it can be cured, but the scars remain and it is not possible to unite the relationship ”, said the interlocutor.
According to the psychologist, the relationship is frozen because the partners do not know how to communicate with each other peacefully, they resolve conflicts in mutually beneficial ways, they experience mutual sexual satisfaction, they agree on how to raise children and manage money and property, not agree on common and common family goals. rules of life. Therefore, they hurt each other.
Personal album photo album / Mykolas Truncė
M.Truncė presents a somewhat uncomfortable but picturesque comparison, through the parallel between relationships, diapers, and urinary incontinence. As little urine collects in diapers, it is absorbed. But it comes to a head when diapers become overwhelmed with urine and start to emit an unpleasant odor. Diapers can be changed and will be fine for a while, but the problem is not with diapers but with urinary incontinence.
Moving this allegory into a relationship: the problem is not on the other side, but me. The psychologist advises you to talk to the other party so that after the conversation your partner wants to hug you. Unfortunately, we usually don’t know how to talk like this, so we screw up the relationship and look for new “diapers.” But the situation is repetitive.
– Why is it so difficult to talk to two loving people?
– Communicating peacefully also requires learning. We all know how to talk, but that doesn’t mean we can communicate yet. And no one taught us to communicate peacefully in general.
The world, with the exception of countries with equal rights for men and women, still communicates according to a model of gender obedience. Many religions proclaim that a man is the head of the family and that the woman must obey him. In countries where this pattern of obedience has collapsed, there are large numbers of divorces.
The psychologist advises you to talk with the other party so that after the conversation your partner wants to hug you.
For example, in Lithuania it differs between 40% and 45%. families, and in, say, only 9% in Syria. Why? In Syria, a woman has 4 to 5 children and has practically no possibility of working and thus of divorcing and living independently. In Lithuania, a woman can support herself and it is not at all necessary to obey a man who may not understand what he is talking about.
The problem is that with the collapse of the old model of obedience, both men and women seek to dominate the family, causing both to be dissatisfied with each other.
The world, with the exception of countries with equal rights for men and women, still communicates according to a model of gender obedience.
– How do you advise me to deal with this situation?
– Both partners need to work with themselves and understand why, for example, it is so important for me to control the other, blame or be right. Only by acknowledging and eliminating behavioral stereotypes that damage relationships can you restore yourself to a safe emotional space that has been violated through conflict and pain.
The advice is simple: apologize and agree on what you are living together with, refine common family values, establish common rules, etc.
Unfortunately, all of our usual ways of resolving conflict lead to divorce. For example, what does the saying “well, let it be as you want” mean? This is avoiding conflict resolution. After all, a person remains unsatisfied. Even in the case of a compromise, both partners feel a bit offended. Let’s say a woman wants to make love once a month, a man – every day. The commitment would be 15 times a month. However, this means that both the wife and the husband will feel unhappy after the 15 months of the month. Is this a good compromise?
The only good way to resolve a conflict is by mutual agreement on the contentious issue. But in this case, it is already necessary for everyone to work with themselves.
Suppose a woman wants to make love once a month, a man – every day. The commitment would be 15 times a month. However, this means that both the wife and the husband will feel unhappy after the 15 months of the month.
I will give an example from practice. A husband came and complained: his wife had a new car. They live together for three years and have not yet been married for a year. The man confessed to his wife: “You have gone crazy, you want a new car and more from the salon! Work with your self-esteem, we will not buy any new machine ”.
And I tell him: “You have exceeded your authority. What gave you the right to decide for her what to buy and what not to buy? Both must find a common solution. If you save money on an apartment, the car will obviously delay that possibility, but that doesn’t mean you can ignore your wife’s opinion and her needs. “
It is important to respect the needs of others. At the beginning of the relationship, while there is still a pink mist in their eyes, a lot of attention is shown to each other, apparently all needs are satisfied. So it seems to us: “Here is the person you were looking for. But then the partners want to make their ideas, goals and personal needs come true.”
Life at the beginning of a love relationship is different from the life we will live the rest of the time. When the honey in the barrel runs out, friction, overheating, injury, cooling, repulsion begin.
At the beginning of the relationship, while there is still a pink mist in their eyes, a lot of attention is shown to each other, apparently all needs are satisfied.
– So the dissatisfaction accumulates and one day it explodes as in a “flat place”?
– If both partners remain a little dissatisfied, the complaints pile up.
For example, a wife talks a lot, she can talk all day, and a husband is very quiet, he needs to be alone in silence. If the wife talks to her husband all night at home after work, he will be happy, but the husband will be unhappy if he needs to listen all the time and cannot be with him. On the contrary, if the wife is silent, the husband will be happy, but she will not. The compromise would be to divide the communication and non-communication time in half. However, in this situation, both of you will still be a bit unhappy.
The correct way is to know yourself, to understand what forces have led to such a great desire to communicate or to be closed. Realizing this, both partners can remove those forces, and the need to communicate as much or keep quiet will naturally decrease. Only then will both partners not feel bad.
Commitments in relationships don’t work. Improving relationships is only possible by starting to work with ourselves so that we don’t feel bad about adapting to our partner and changing our behavior.
It should be understood that conditional happiness is not happiness. As soon as “yes” appears, there is no happiness. For example, “I’ll be happy if you bring me flowers.” This is how you put your happiness in someone else’s hands. It is conditional happiness. However, each one must learn to be happy with himself, only then can he be happy with the other without demanding or claiming him.
– Listening to you, you may think that it is much easier to live alone …
– Man continues to be a social being and has the need to live among people. Also, remember that there is another stage in life – sunset, when a person cannot always take care of himself. Who will take care of someone who had no family in old age: spouse, children, grandchildren?
Living together is not copying honey. First it is the creation of one’s material well-being, the birth and raising of children, then the care of grandchildren, elderly parents. Life is full of challenges. Therefore, to think of it as a copy of honey would be very shortsighted.
By starting a family, we form a union for 40-50 years, during which there will be different life situations and you will have to be able to deal with those situations. Therefore, before starting a family, it is useful to evaluate how the couple is able to solve problems, manage relationships, stress, etc.
Conflicts as a couple are normal because we are all different, we have different life experiences, different values, beliefs, attitudes. It is normal for us to be different, it is abnormal not to understand that and to expect that the other is like me and behaves as I hope. Therefore, it is very important to talk to each other as much as possible about the relationship and their needs.
– You yourself have had three marriages and three divorces. What kind of rake did you always get on?
– As we said, I was hoping the next one would be how I imagine, not how it really is. It took me 29 years to realize that it was not my wife’s fault that I was not happy in the relationship. The problem is with me.
With my current second half, we have been together for 13 years and we are both happy with this relationship. This does not mean that we have a holiday every day, there are all kinds of days, but we are able to find out the causes of problems and adjust our behavior so that the other does not hurt.
Furthermore, it must be understood that there are needs that we can meet and there are needs that we cannot meet. So you need to work with yourself so that those needs are not so strong. Changing partners is not the way out, because the other will never satisfy any of my needs.
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