Grandparents and grandchildren: the doctor told me what this communication was for and in which areas the grandparents should not interfere

Specialists from the State Service for the Protection and Adoption of Children’s Rights emphasize the special importance of grandparents not only to raise and raise children in the parents’ family, but also in particularly difficult cases when children are deprived of temporary or permanent form of parental care. Grandparents are often the first relatives to extend a helping hand to their grandchildren, taking a bold and decisive step to help them raise them, the media said.

According to the Family Social Support Information System (SPIS), during the four months of this year, the grandparents of 59 children became their guardians. In total, 49 families of grandparents or single grandmothers or grandparents cared for their grandchildren this year. Last year, grandparents became guardians of 309 children.

Researcher Rasa Naujanienė says that grandchildren and grandparents in Lithuania are physically close to each other, compared to large countries with different traditions. The coexistence of generations is a strength of a nation. It is not in vain that family trees are drawn: it is important to know the history of the family, who were grandparents and great-grandparents.

– What is the importance of grandparents in a child’s life?

– I would say this: happy grandchildren with grandparents, happy grandparents with grandchildren. Your relationship is important to both children and grandparents. The relationship between all generations is very important to everyone. A traditional family is a family of several generations: children have parents, parents have parents. Traditional old age is as given by itself. Grandparents are very important in the lives of grandchildren, because they are generally more patient than parents, they have more time and life experience, wisdom. Grandparents do not need to rush anywhere, they can calmly and patiently explain to their grandchildren the simple things that are happening around them.

Old age research shows that becoming a grandparent is like a second chance for a person. Relaxation of socio-occupational responsibilities gives the person the opportunity to give their grandchildren what they may not have been able to give to their children as they grew up due to the abundance of work and responsibilities. If a person has not had the opportunity to play with their children, or even “make a parody” in the room, then with grandchildren they often do so with pleasure. Well of course, the help of grandparents when it comes to looking after their grandchildren is very important, not only when they go to kindergarten, but especially when they start school: grandparents often take their grandchildren out of school, they take groups and prepare lessons with them.

The role of grandparents is very important: they are the transmitters of traditions. The grandchildren of the grandparents’ example see it as the celebration of the traditional festivals of the year. In many families, it is the grandmothers who start the celebration of these holidays, prepare them and wait for the children and grandchildren who arrive.

Old age research shows that grandchildren are also very important to grandparents. Traditional positive old age is associated with better health outcomes in the elderly.

It should also be mentioned that such a situation has arisen in Lithuania that it is not uncommon for grandparents to have to replace the parents of their grandchildren when their parents go to another country to earn money for economic reasons. Grandparents (usually grandmothers) heroically assume the heavy burden and responsibility of raising grandchildren.

– What is most important to the child: grandfather or grandmother?

– An interesting question, but there is no unequivocal answer. It depends on the situation, on the grandfather, on the grandmother, on the grandchildren. There is great happiness and luxury if the grandson has a grandfather and a grandmother. This is great because, depending on the situation, you can choose who to turn to, who to ask for help. Unfortunately, as we understand it, not all families have this option.

– What influence do grandparents have on children’s education? What are your observations on Lithuanian families?

– I have not been able to detect special investigations on this subject. In this case, we can only model. As I mentioned, traditional old age is associated with grandparents who have more time because they no longer have job responsibilities. Clearly, their life experiences are very important, they can be teachers of the wisdom of life. By interacting with grandparents, grandchildren learn how to interact with older people. It is a certain opportunity for them to learn and experience respect for different generations. This is especially important in today’s world, where the cult of youth is dominant.

– Are parental methods inherited from generation to generation?

– There are many behavioral studies that confirm that behavior is learned. Observing social behavior is the best teacher. It really depends on how the parents’ family was treated when they grew up, what methods of education were used; there is a high probability that these methods of education will transfer to the family they have created. However, the presumption that a person is a conscious being and can reflect on his experience, can be determined to change relationships in his family, can be determined not to repeat the mistakes of his parents, should not be rejected.

– It is no secret that some Lithuanian families still use corporal punishment to raise a child. Experts acknowledge that this method of education, also popularly known as “birch porridge,” is bad in every way. What do you think is or could be the contribution of grandparents in the fight against this phenomenon?

– If the methods of education are inherited, it does not mean that one does not learn from the experience of life. Old age, in particular, is the stage in life when one can reconsider one’s life. Man is a being who learns from life’s experience. Grandparents can really learn from their mistakes, change themselves, and set an example for their children. However, it is important not to moralize, but to show an example of different treatment of the grandson to his son, to show that he can calmly answer questions, calmly teach, explain. If you did not use the correct methods to raise your children, it does not mean that grandparents can no longer be teachers of their children on how to raise their grandchildren. Through the changed treatment of grandchildren, they can be an example, they can experience a different relationship in the family.

– What are your observations? Do many grandparents in Lithuania think that the forms of education should change with the change of time?

– This is not research-based knowledge, but as far as I can see in my environment, there is not even a presumption that grandparents tend to use inappropriate parenting measures. I am no longer talking about the fact that there is a legal ban on corporal punishment. It has a very high lighting power. This is now widely spoken in the public sphere. It also has a great impact.

There have been all kinds of parents, all kinds of grandparents at all times. It cannot be said that violence is only a problem for the previous generation. In recent years, the widespread discourse that corporal punishment does great harm to both the physical and mental development of the child seems to give me positive results. Hopefully this affects all generations.

– It is not uncommon to hear that a child’s parents disagree with their grandparents about the child’s education. How would you explain this problem and how to avoid it?

– In preparation for this conversation, I thought: there are parenting skills trainings, there could be old age skills training, because, after all, grandparents should not change parents. The parent’s word should be the last. But that does not mean that grandparents cannot pamper their grandchildren.

There are many different situations that lead to disagreements. It happens that parents really set too many limits for their children, it happens that grandparents are really too free to do something. Either way, it creates situations from which much can be learned. Then it is necessary to talk to the child again, which increases the parents’ skills and helps the child to mature as a person. I would say that grandparents provoke certain situations that help parents grow in parenthood and children mature as personalities.

But of course, grandparents don’t have to interfere with things that they shouldn’t interfere with. For example, there shouldn’t be a last word from grandparents what school the child will attend. I am referring to the essential cases in which parents must make the decision in consultation with children. However, grandparents can be lawyers for grandchildren, they can listen and intercede.

It is very important that there is no competition between parents and grandparents, which is better, harder, or more active. Parents and grandparents must think that everything that is done must benefit the child, his maturity, sustainable development, his physical and mental health, that the child must be respected, must feel necessary and important.

– Quarantine is a difficult period for everyone. It is a great challenge for grandchildren and grandparents to communicate. What would be your advice on how grandparents could foster a connection with their grandchildren from a distance?

– The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren should also be fostered during quarantine. There is now a variety of electronic means of communication for this, which should be exploited. If the grandchildren and grandparents were in contact before the quarantine, then I think families will definitely find ways to support it. However, when reestablishing the connection if it was interrupted, I think quarantine is not the most appropriate time.