S.Lapinskaitė seeks guardians: it is difficult when there is nothing to resist inside, therefore it is important not to condemn

With the start of last year’s reform of the protection of children’s rights, which aims to eliminate the number of orphanages in the country by 2021, caregivers have an even more important role to play.

Currently, there are 7047 adoptive children in Lithuania, according to the State Service for the Protection and Adoption of the Rights of the Child (VTAS).

Of these, three quarters are in family care and the rest in families, care centers or care institutions. Although the latter have been reorganized or converted into community orphanages, they cannot replace family life.

The lack of guardians is felt throughout Lithuania, the municipality of Radviliškis is no exception, where social worker Samanta Lapinskaitė works with the families of the guardians. Before joining the Radviliškis Parish Community Social Services Center (RPBSPC), she worked in social work at the school for four years.

And now for the fifth consecutive year, GIMK (Guardians, Guardians, Adopters, Community Child Care Home Orientation and Training Program – ed.) Has been certified. a social worker who seeks out people who can become caregivers, interacts with them, conducts training, helps prepare the child to enter the family, and provides help in case of difficulties.

A place where skeptics are also welcome

Usually, the humanitarian assistance center located in Radviliškis organizes training for two or three groups of people per year. They last for about three months and are intended not only for people who have already made a firm decision about care, but also for people who have many doubts.

S. Lapinskaitė says that during training these doubts can be confirmed or dispelled. Therefore, he urges all those who have thought about care at least once not to be afraid to come, ask, and speak.

At the end of the training, a conclusion is reached on whether the caregivers are ready and can accept the child growing up in their family. Of all the 15-20 people who attend the training, more than a third become new caregivers.

Now there are still about 20 missing in the Radviliškis municipality, because 27 children live in the family support center.

But most of them are teens, some with disabilities, so the chances of finding caregivers for them are soon further reduced, says the social worker.

However, it emphasizes that caregivers must be prepared and understand the risks, so it is better to have fewer caregivers, but all are determined and prepared for possible challenges.

Habits come from the biological family.

S. Lapinskaitė says that the family of guardians is only partially a new leaf in the lives of children, because they bring trauma and various habits from their biological family.

For example, a girl who joined a new family of caregivers woke up in the morning at 4-5 p.m. At first, caregivers did not understand his behavior and kept saying that he could sleep much more, especially on days when there was no need to go to school. But when they spoke, they realized that such a habit came from living with birth parents.

“It turns out she was used to her biological family that in the morning, before her parents got up, they had to make breakfast and if they didn’t, they would have a pint.” He was about 12 years old at the time. There are all kinds of stories and caregivers have to be prepared for that.

But these are not the scariest things. The scariest thing is when you need help from the police, if a child escapes, they can’t stand it. When it is necessary to say when to return, and sometimes it does not return overnight, “she says.

S. Lapinskaitė emphasizes that these are not permanent cases, but caregivers must be prepared for everything, so that they do not decide to give up care in case of the first difficulties.

The specialists who work with caregivers call the first days together “honeymoon”, because at first everything looks great, both the family and the child try. However, after a time, children begin to test the patience of their caregivers, to show whims, they do not want to follow certain rules, because they often did not have such in the biological family.

According to S. Lapinskaitė, weaving the relationship between a child and a guardian is very different in each case, therefore, the measures applied can be the same. But conversation and example are the cornerstones that help a child heal and stay upright.

“When we know that the child will definitely stay and live, since there are no more opportunities to return to his biological family, we always say, give him the opportunity to decorate his room, choose his bedding, bedding. If the walls are not painted, perhaps the child can choose wallpaper, perhaps a toy, build the bed however he wants.

You can start with the simplest things, get used to eating breakfast together, gradually establish certain limits, rules. Children often have difficulty communicating with others, yelling, calling names, so caregivers just sit down and talk to them. And clearly through my personal example. Whatever example he leads, he will have, although the road is very long, ”says S. Lapinskaitė.

Everyone is in a hurry to judge

She emphasizes that there is no need in this case dehumanized and those families from which children are taken. The social worker, she said, in particular, should not be in a hurry to judge what other people tend to do, but to dig deeper into the story.

“In the past, before working with caregivers, I didn’t even see families at risk and thought about how they could live that way. I judged them more correctly, not from above, but with anger, contempt.

But when you start to get interested in history, you realize that birth parents have followed this path in an equally cruel way. They had nothing in life to trust, resist, or help. It is difficult when you do not have the inner strength to resist. So it is important not to condemn, “she says.

And it is unfortunate that even after receiving help, such parents often cannot accept it and let their children be raised by others.

It is difficult when you do not have the inner strength to resist. Therefore, it is important not to condemn.

However, not only are these parents being judged, but also their children. Supposedly, growing up in complex families immediately turns into bad people.

“It just came to our attention then children, both steal and curse.

I remember that the family picked up three children and the neighbors rebelled, he says that the garden digs, the windows will break. This is the attitude of society: condemn children, devalue them: if parents have not been able to care for their children, they will be the same. But when he places a child in a good and loving family that empathizes, understands, sets an example and values, the child changes, ”he shares his experience.

That is why caregivers, who have taken such an important and responsible step: raising a non-biological child in a family, are under a lot of pressure, my specialist. Social workers and psychologists not only constantly visit their family, but the people around them look at the caregivers as through a magnifying glass and as if they were waiting in error.

A success story redeems hundreds of failures

S. Lapinskaitė herself, who has to absorb good and difficult experiences, says that she needs to love her work, otherwise she could not work alone. Although she dreamed of being a police officer as a child, she had to forget this dream due to health problems, but she realized that social work was no less necessary for people.

“I have said since childhood: if I can help at least one child, family, person in my life, then I will be proud of myself and I will really have enough in life, so thank God and I helped many,” says the specialist. daily in childcare.

She emphasizes that the support of those around her, family, coworkers, and managers is crucial to doing the job. But the best examples are the ones that help the most.

“I was very exhausted, there was a moment when I thought, why do I need it if the job hurts me,” she recalls.

But then S. Lapinskaitė received a family of guests, whom he helped six months ago. to sponsor the woman. The family was unable to have their children and the girl was removed from the birth family due to neglect.

“The family came and the baby came suddenly, we connected them and they came to us half a year later when I thought I was breaking up. And then I saw their smiles as they even looked alike, so everything was beautiful.

The caregiver said that after half a year of living together, that boy asked, where have you been mom before? Why didn’t you look for me earlier? Very sensitive, such things lead, – she complains. “One good thing can replace a hundred bad ones.”

The solution to all problems is conversation.

Speaking to us, S. Lapinskaitė emphasizes that each step must be accompanied by conversation. It helps the child to adapt to the family, to the caregivers to decide and to see the work rationally.

“It just came to our attention then. Grow skin. At first, everyone regrets it and, in case of failure, start blaming yourself. At first, he walked with his head constantly exhausted. But you must realize that you will not help everyone and you will save everyone ”, says the specialist.

But the most important thing is to talk to the caregivers, she emphasizes.

“It’s not like you have a tutor and everyone around you says, ‘Great.’ You can get all kinds of reproaches from the environment, asking where you want to go. So they need a very open audience and conversation,” he said. the social worker of the RPBSPC Care Center.

Sometimes, you also have to tell potential caregivers that this may not be the time yet, that not everything is right for a child who comes from an unsafe environment. Families can react very sensitively, even to take offense. Therefore, even in this case, the most important thing is to sit down and find the best solution for both the family and the child.