My journey to widowhood began three years ago with a .cologist’s fee in Abuja, the capital of Nigeria.
If my wife, Grace, had followed the doctor’s advice instead of seeking the help of religiously healthy people, I believe she would have survived breast cancer and would still be with me and our three-year-old daughter.
She went for tests on a lump on her breast and the doctor said they revealed there was an “invasive carcinoma”.
I didn’t understand what this meant and he explained that “the tumor is cancerous and we need to start the process of managing it immediately to avoid spreading”.
Grace looked horrible and weak, and I remember our baby – she was only a month old at the time – afraid of what she would do next out of her arms.
There was a compromise
But the specialist assured us that he would survive the treatment. He advised a course of chemotherapy and then possibly a mastectomy or surgery to remove her breasts.
Through the fog of that day I tried to catch the idea that reconciliation is possible and I still have life with Grace, whom I started dating just a year ago.
We first visited the inconsistent setting of a busy bus terminus in Abuja. She was burning with a bus conductor who took more money from her for her luggage and I went to calm the situation. We ended up chatting on the tour and then exchanged numbers.
I was 33 years old at the time and was paying a very lonely fee. As the eldest son, I was constantly reminded that where I come from East Nigeria the tradition is to marry a young man and my junior siblings had already beaten me.
Still, I got back in touch with Grace and waited a few months before we found out we lived close to each other. We became very close friends and then agreed to get married.
But 13 months after our marriage, we were diagnosed with cancer.
There is no free cancer treatment here and Grace’s medical insurance will not cover the cost, so I had to plan to borrow money.
In total the bill would come to 600,000 naira ($ 1,500; 200 1,200) and I got a loan to pay for the first round of treatment.
My worst decision
But on the way to the pharmacy to buy the first set of chemotherapy drugs, Grace called to tell me that she would not go any further. Instead she was confident that God would heal her.
He told me that chemotherapy would kill healthy cells in the body as well as people with cancer, and he chose to believe in religion. It is true that drugs damage healthy cells, but experts say the damage is not usually sustained.
I tried to persuade Grace to change her mind, but she made up and forced me to agree on alternative solutions – the worst decision I ever made.
Most Nigerians are very religious and many people prefer to seek the help of places of worship instead of hospitals when it comes to health issues.
Grace’s decision to refuse chemotherapy was informed by advice she received from friends and family. Many here believe she could kill you and Grace got scared.
She did not agree to have an operation to remove the tumor, but this was a temporary remedy as the cancer returned very aggressively.
My wife was a very strong woman and she endured the pain for two years without seeing the doctor.
Although we visited churches and prayer centers, including the famous prophet TB Joshua, no compromise was reached.
Most of these therapists took money and promised us miracles. Some told her she would die the day she went to the hospital.
We also discovered traditional remedies recommended by friends and relationships.
Cancer is not allowed to be mentioned
We prayed together and exercised regularly, she took herbs and fruits, and refused herself some other food and yet the pain did not end.
I tried to persuade him to talk to the doctor, but he refused. Even when she went to the hospital for malaria treatment she insisted that I did not mention cancer.
By June last year, it was clear that she was underweight and was weakening.
Then in July, her health deteriorated so much that I had no choice but to take her to the hospital, as she was struggling to breathe and could not stay up.
She would not take him to the first two hospitals where I tried to admit her, but agreed to handle her case in the third hospital.
How Can You Find Breast Cancer?
The most common sign of breast cancer is a lump or thickening in the breast – but there are other symptoms as well.
These include:
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Changes in the size or feel of the breast
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Changes in the skin of the breast, such as dimples or redness
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Fluid from the nipple during pregnancy or breastfeeding
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Changes in the position of the nipple
These symptoms can be caused by other conditions, so it is important to get lumps or changes checked by a doctor.
Source: UK National Health Service
Tests confirmed that the cancer had spread, including to the other breast, its lungs and bones. And the doctor told me there was no cure that could save him.
Chemotherapy was recommended to manage the situation and Grace accepted this. But between July and November, she regularly stayed in and out of the hospital.
At some point, I lived in my car that was parked in the hospital grounds. When I woke up early in the morning I would wash the place hidden from view and then go to work from there.
At the time, though she was awkward herself, Grace’s mother supported me a lot.
Most of the time when I was working the doctors would call and tell me that Grace has a seizure and I have to run to the hospital.
I went into debt to pay the hospital bills, but I wanted to make sure the money would never lead to poor medical treatment.
All I can say is that our daughter, Princess Gold Mamesoma, was staying at a friend’s house, but she was in so much pain and she missed the warmth of her mother’s embrace.
I took her to the hospital once, but I can say that she is very distressed and she was not sure how to react to the situation.
Finally, Grace’s painful headache in November signaled that the cancer had spread to her brain and she went into a coma and never woke up.
He died at the age of 33.
It was very painful to taste the sweetness of marriage and then lose it this way.
I am now alone, indifferent and have difficulty concentrating. Tears come every day.
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I started a Facebook page in memory of Grace and to raise awareness about cancer, because I thought a lot of people in Nigeria didn’t know much about it.
People need to be better informed about the best means of disease management and more money needs to be spent to convey this message to the general public.
I still hear stories of people, including my friend’s wife, refusing chemotherapy in favor of religious healing.
Yes, religion and our traditions still play a big role in our lives, but it should not come at the expense of losing any love.
