Why is it okay to say no to Zoom parties during the coronavirus quarantine?

As a introvert writer who happily work from home, self-isolation It has always been very easy. My friends sometimes have to bribe me with fantasy cheese and Star Trek Wine just to lure me out of my apartment.

Family and friends have not always understood my self-imposed hermit lifestyle. But with the world blocked to prevent the spread of COVID-19Being an introvert finally makes me feel like a great kid. My preference to stay home now is the new normal.

I no longer have to think of credible excuses to turn down party invitations. I can happily enjoy my usual solitary activities like reading Sandman Comics, making Star Wars puppetsseeing horror movies and contacting spirits with me Ouija board. What I appreciate most about this blockage is that many people seem to be learning that loneliness is not so bad. Or so I thought.

Lately, some of my more outgoing friends and acquaintances have been flooding my email, Twitter, and Facebook mailboxes with invitations to join the movie list exchanges, exercise challenges, poetry jams and more.

It reminds me of those retro chain letters that existed during my teens that threatened bad luck if you didn’t copy the text and send the letter to five more friends. If you don’t give in to peer pressure to keep chain email or Twitter / Facebook tagging, you feel like you’re letting your friends down or you’re a party nut.

There’s also a strange new pressure to respond to email requests to share recipes and food photos. I like to bake, but when it starts to be a competition to show the perfect loaf of banana bread, I burst into hives. I don’t feel like turning my life into The great British pastry show.

Then there are all the Zoom / Skype / FaceTime / Google Hangout and Netflix viewing party requests. Videoconference It has become a kind of lifesaver for people who feel anxious about their sudden lack of human contact. But putting a happy and constant face on those encounters when I feel scared about my future due to the COVID-19 crisis has been exhausting.

Still, it’s hard not to feel like a bad friend for declining all those invitations, and I’m worried about being selfish and ungrateful. It is not easy to tell people close to me that I need to spend time alone as part of my own self care, particularly when, for some, social activity with others is as important to them as time alone is to me. But our continued blocking makes it clearer to me than ever: Being honest with friends is more important than breaking through at a Zoom dance party.

So I’m here to say that it’s okay to want to curl up and cry instead of joining Google Hangouts happy hour. Seeing your favorite movie without making fun of friends like a virtual Mystery Science Theater 3000 it’s okay. Refusing to share recipes or taking on a push-up challenge doesn’t make you a bad friend. We are who we are. We can be good friends without participating in all the challenges.

Do not misunderstand. I love my friends and I am thankful that they keep an eye on me to make sure I am not spinning down in a depression well. But just because you don’t accept all invitations to hang out with videos or swap recipes doesn’t mean you’re about to jump off a cliff.

The excuse “I don’t feel like being social” may seem like a cry for help to those who don’t understand that not everyone is crying out for face-to-face contact right now. Just because introverts are trapped inside doesn’t mean we suddenly want to constantly socialize on Zoom, Google Hangouts, FaceTime, and Facebook.

While understanding of introverts has grown in recent years with high-profile books like Susan Cain’s Quiet, we are often misunderstood as antisocial. That is not the case. We love spending time with friends. But it is more about quality than quantity. I really appreciate individual chats with friends, but a Zoom chat with 16 people at a time feels like attending a crowded party inside the broom closet. Too many people talking to each other is a nightmare.

Another misconception is that introverts are not emotional and cold. It is not true either. We are an empathetic and emotional group. I tried to explain that I felt anxious and depressed about the effects of the pandemic (layoffs, canceled events, loss of life) don’t just leave chatting with boring friends about Tiger king. I don’t want to be Debbie Downer when all my friends are thrilled to hang out en masse online. But I’d rather be real than false at times like these.

My Twitter, Facebook and Instagram feeds are full of positive affirmations urging everyone to be their best during this pandemic, and you are beginning to feel that there is unrealistic pressure to become your best creative self under lockdown.

I admit that I initially encouraged everyone to write comics, paint pet portraits, and make puppets. If Shakespeare allegedly wrote to King Lear during his plague self-quarantine, why can’t I write the great American novel or some other masterpiece during my own isolation? But the longer this block lasts, the less creative I feel.

I have already mentally closed more than once. I screamed my eyes as I organized my craft supplies. I had a crisis when I discovered that the last piece of the puzzle was missing that took me hours to complete. My paintings could probably be duplicated Rorschach ink stains that determine one’s sanity. Everyone wants to know what I’m working on, when actually making my bed look like a great achievement.

We live in uncertain times, with a daily avalanche of bad news that constantly floods our social networks, so do what makes you feel most comfortable. If you’re feeling better with individual chats instead of Zoom group parties, say so. If you hate recipe swaps but love sharing cute puppies gifs, do so instead. You can communicate with someone without having to put it on a Google Calendar.

Saying to friends and family “thank you, but no thanks” because you need time to process reality is entirely within your rights. Those friends and family will still be there, whether you share photos of your elaborately decorated Doctor Who cookies or not.

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