KekRaptor: Viking Museum Catches Ubisoft Adding Hidden Blades to Displays



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In the world of advertising, no attention is usually considered worse than bad attention, but sometimes things get a little out of hand. According to the National Museum of Viking Raiding in Scandinavia, a few Ubisoft employees were allegedly caught trying to promote their upcoming game, Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, a little too creatively. For those who are out of the loop, Assassin’s Creed Valhalla is going to be yet another Assassin’s Creed game, but this time set in the Viking era. More specifically, it will take place during the period where Vikings invaded what is now modern-day England.

KekRaptor is our semi-regular satire series. You can read more of them here.

Erik Redteeth, the museum’s director, stated that the Ubisoft employees, later identified as independent marketing contractors, were presumably trying to modify various Viking exhibits to make Assassin’s Creed Valhalla more “thematically and historically accurate.” The most blatant example was the addition of the series’ iconic hidden blades to various exhibits that depicted Vikings in “glorious hand-to-hand and open combat.” Fortunately enough for the museum, the hidden blades proved to be not so hidden. A janitor noticed that a few of the blades had inadvertently triggered when shields, a very common item in the Viking arsenal, were placed over their respective arms.

Other, more subtle modifications to the exhibits included the addition of more than a couple of skill trees and dioramas depicting famous Vikings and random ratings being attached to weapons and clothing. Some mannequins were also moved around so that they appeared to be doing the Leap of Faith, though mostly in nonsensical locations. The most quizzical act by the Ubisoft contractors was the tons of random garbage “collectibles” strewn around displays of typical Viking settlements. These were quickly removed, but Redteeth noted that the “collectibles” were literally all over the place. “How, or why, would someone even collect hundreds of these flags, feathers, and sea shanties ?!”

Curiously enough, there didn’t appear to be any random aliens showing up in the displays, in spite of the fact that the random alien story arcs have proven to be the most popular aspect of the Assassin’s Creed franchise. Authorities speculated that this was because the Ubisoft contractors ran out of time, shiny aluminum foil, lens flares, and glowy bits. Either that or because Assassin’s Creed Valhalla will imply that the Viking pantheon consisted entirely of aliens. Museum curators are currently combing through exhibits to look for hidden messages just in case.

ubisoft viking
Leaked image from Assassin’s Creed Valhalla. Stereotypical portrayal of a Viking in media, or selfie of some random Scandinavian? You decide.

While the motive behind this strange vandalism is still being investigated, local detectives surmised that it was merely a relatively harmless marketing ploy. According to local sources, it is rumored that Ubisoft was having a bit of an identity crisis with Assassin’s Creed Valhalla and wanted to break up with the traditional Assassin’s Creed gameplay while retaining the name after the divorce. Naturally, things got heated, so the contractors were called in to adjust Viking history behind everyone’s backs. That way they could still claim the Assassin’s Creed name for marketing purposes instead of simply making a normal Viking game.

Of course, this is all local hearsay, so until more official facts from this odd case emerge, it is best to take everything with a grain of salt. As can be expected, Ubisoft declined to comment, as did the local Viking population.

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