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Dear Santa,
Now before you make your list and double-check it, our corporate attorney says you should first check my statement to see if I was as naughty as those damn industry analysts make me sound. So here it goes:
After all, I tried to be better this year. I did not do all the layoffs I had planned thanks to government funding in the CARES Act. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to get my driver, bodyguards, and private jet pilot classified as essential workers! That should count for something!
Many people have commented on my recent decision to join the business exodus to Texas. Hey, if that helps me get more stock options, I’m moving to the North Pole!
People say that he could have been more empathetic to our customers and maybe not gotten over that big price increase during the pandemic. But the promises of profit must be kept, you don’t want me to lie, right? That would be naughty, not nice, right?
I must admit that I could have chosen a more appropriate Background Zoom image for our virtual user conference this year. Thinking about it now, that image of me poolside at the Hawaiian Tropic bikini contest might not have been appropriate, but I really thought it would energize the audience. Mind you, it turns out that it didn’t really matter, as most of our attendees couldn’t connect to the live stream anyway …
This year, I spearheaded our effort to qualify our solutions as multi-tenant, although in reality they are not. You have to understand Santa, if he hadn’t done this, it would have really hurt our image as an industry leader. Now our solutions are up to date (as long as your calendar indicates it is 1999).
Our share price didn’t move much this year. Industry analysts said that was because I continued to have great talent, didn’t have a product roadmap, lacked vision, wasted all of our capital on overpriced acquisitions, etc. They made it seem like it was all my fault when it was our customers’ unwillingness to revamp and upgrade to a new, less functional product line that was the real problem.
You know Santa, you and I are very alike. We both run a large global organization. You outsource toy manufacturing to the North Pole, and I outsource all of our sales and account management to large system integrators. Speaking of integrators, they are the ones who increase customer bills. Give them the lump of coal for not evolving with the times!
Now, Santa, I could have an advantage that you don’t have. I have a small army of lawyers working over Christmas, and if it doesn’t help me this year, we may have to start a surprise audit of your use of our software at the North Pole. Plus, you still owe us a couple of centuries of indirect access fees!
We look forward to many new benefits in 2021!
Captain O’Industry
