Dear Amy, Two years ago I became friends with a co-worker, “Marilee”. We develop a great friendship. I recently invited another girl, “Trina”, to our group of friends. Trina does not work with us, but we have other common interests.
However, recently, Marilee and Trina seem to have come together and are gradually excluding me from things: tubes, lunches, trips to the beach, etc.
I feel left out and hurt by this. The only time they want to date me now is to participate in my photographic hobby, which involves the use of my expensive equipment. I feel like they’re taking advantage and they don’t really want to go out with me. I don’t know what I did wrong.
They are also not trying to hide it, as I see, almost daily, social media posts from them together.
At the risk of alienating myself further, I have not confronted them.
Are they trying to be hurtful or are they really unaware of how their actions might be perceived?
Abandoned in Lancaster, PA
Dear Left Out: “The rule of three” refers to the inherent symmetry of a trio. This appears in art, music, design, and even comedy (listen to a classic “rim shot”, it’s a three!). The triangle conveys a kind of complex and pleasant balance, and this balance seems to work, except for human relationships. It is then that an equilateral triangle becomes isosceles, often with an isolated person at the furthest point.
This challenging human “strange man” dynamic occurs at all stages of life, from childhood to old age.
I very much doubt that you did anything wrong. You must accept that these two women seem to have formed an exclusive friendship.
It doesn’t matter if they are trying to do harm; They are being hurtful. Even if they aren’t deliberately malicious, at least, they just don’t care how you feel.
Your options are to swallow your own honest reaction and accept your new status as an equipment supplier, or be honest about how it makes you feel. He is brave to admit his own vulnerability, and I think he should, understanding that he cannot change or distance them from their friendship with each other.
You say, “I understand that the two of you have developed a good friendship, but I have to be honest with you, lately I feel really excluded.”
Dear Amy, I am very concerned about your response to “Anxious” who was concerned about meeting people in stores who were not wearing masks correctly.
You wrote, “No, I don’t think you should call another client for using a mask incorrectly (because this involves them and their bodies).”
That is not true! The way other people wear their masks affects us all!
Annoyed and worried
Dear Upset: Absolutely. Many readers contacted me to correct my statement. I agree: wearing a mask protects others. Absolutely. Although a mask seems to offer some protection to the person who wears it, I wear my mask for you and you wear your mask for me.
My point in framing my answer the way I did was to discourage confrontations between people regarding wearing masks. People who don’t wear masks or who use masks inappropriately seem to take the issue very personally, because the mask is (or isn’t) attached to their own face.
I’m not sure what’s so scary about using a thin cloth over your nose and mouth to help protect others (and yourself) from a potentially dangerous virus, but I think it’s wiser at the moment to give these people a Wide berth, yes, to avoid confrontations and, more importantly, to avoid transmission.
However, if you sponsor a business where employees don’t wear masks correctly, this is a problem that should definitely catch the manager’s attention.
Dear Amy, “Caught Couple” described themselves as doctors treating patients with COVID. They were on the fence about whether to attend a large family wedding in another state.
Thanks for responding as you did! As doctors, they should know that they, and others, are at considerable risk. As you noted, if doctors aren’t sure about this, what are others supposed to do?
Vulnerable
Dear Vulnerable: After writing that answer, I read an account of a family birthday gathering that resulted in a tragic transmission of COVID to most of the group. Devastating.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.)
