It seems like 2020 lasted a lifetime, but do you remember when the United States came together to fight the common enemy that was The Plastic bag? Cities around the world enacted bans and embarrassed anyone who dared to carry anything inside one. Those with pets were the most affected because if you carry dog poop in a plastic bag, it looks like you cleaned up after your dog, but if you carry dog poop in a paper bag, it looks like you bought it (sorry).
Now, there’s a chance that the coronavirus pandemic will bring them back, and plastic bags look set to return to the limelight after going through so much hardship in recent years.
Being a plastic bag in the early 2010s was a difficult existence. You couldn’t get a job anywhere like in the whole country; Thin disposable bags received the old chest. My sources tell me that this is related to something called “environment”. In case you don’t know, the environment is that empty space adjacent to you at all times. It often refers to forests and oceans and all the places you can’t get a Reuben sandwich.
If the plastic bags had something for them, it was that they were quite clean. The pandemic has prompted numerous states to reconsider or at least temporarily halt such hygiene bans, including New York, California, and Oregon, and many retailers now prohibit customers from bringing their own reusable bags. Why? Because they are dirty, dirty things (not yours, of course).
It’s all to protect supermarket workers, as well as customers, as the virus is believed to be less likely to spread in a new plastic bag than a reusable one. Can you still use your adorable Radio Flyer wagon to take groceries home? I’m not sure.
The ban on plastic bags never really hit me because I steal (I’m kidding), but hearing that they may be coming back brings me all sorts of warm, sticky memories. I always loved the way the bags swing from my hands and how they quickly detangle when I roll them up. Paper and reusable bags certainly serve their purpose, but they’re not funny. They are wrinkled industrial monsters, all right angles and rough edges. Think of the plastic bag scene in “American Beauty” and then try to picture it with a paper or reusable bag. That thing wouldn’t take off from the ground.
Still, paper bags have been a respectable filler, like when Don Cheadle took over Terrence Howard as Rhodey in “Iron Man 2”. They’re great to use as easy recycling bins, they’re better than plastic bags for carrying long items like wine or baguettes (my whole diet), and they work well as masks when you’re embarrassed to be seen cheering on your team. I mean the paper bags with handles, of course; those without handles are completely useless and have no place in society.
No matter how long the coronavirus pandemic lasts, fans of plastic bags shouldn’t get too excited about their triumphant return. Many municipalities are only temporarily halting the bans, and studies have shown that the virus can also survive for a few days on plastic. We may need to delay the plastic bag return parade after all.
The poor just have to keep hanging out under the bridges with Styrofoam, sweet cigarettes, incandescent light bulbs, asbestos and Kinder surprise eggs. It may seem like a hard existence, but that seems like a very good party.
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