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PHILLIP Schofield has revealed how the pressure of his gay secret once forced him to leave this morning, leaving his friend Holly Willoughby as the show’s solo host.
The star collapsed on the way to ITV studios and got his driver to drive him home. Another time he ran off the screen to be sick.
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The incidents made him realize that he had to tell the world who he really was.
In a new book published today, Phil, 58, writes: “I had to get out. If I didn’t, the secret was going to cause a total breakdown. . . maybe.”
Phillip Schofield was addressing This Morning when a voice in his head said, “You’re screwing everything and everyone and there’s no stopping it.”
In a new book published today, Phil, 58, says his mental health began to unravel last Christmas, taking him to “the darkest places.”
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Admitting he was “emotionally, fundamentally scared” for the first time, he says his thoughts began to affect his work, before coming out on This Morning in February.
Phil reveals that his wellness is “still a work in progress”, adding: “I’m not fixed, not yet.”
The voice came to mind while planning an interview with singer Annie Lennox.
He asked the driver taking him to the ITV studios to turn around, texted the producers saying he couldn’t get in, and turned off his phone.
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Holly, 39, was left on the bench and bosses panicked as she sat alone in her London flat.
In his autobiography Life’s What You Make Of It, he writes: “It was the first time that my problems extended to work. Another day I had to leave a fashionable garment to get sick. Now he knew he needed professional help. “
He received therapy and took medication, which ultimately led to his decision to come forward.
Married to Stephanie since 1993 and father of their daughters Molly, 27, and Ruby, 24, Phil says he became “increasingly aware” that he might be gay only in the last five years.
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He “unequivocally” did not know when he married insisting: “I love Steph with all my heart. We had the best marriage. ”He first confided in Steph about his sexuality and she was very supportive.
But still he plunged into darkness. He had read Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings books to try and keep calm. Sometimes I looked at the fire “seeing the flames consume the logs and wishing they would consume me.”
He adds: “Much literature speaks of shame. That was not an emotion that I felt. My torture was guilt. “
After starting therapy, Phil realized that he had to talk to some friends.
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One was Holly supportive, whom he told in a dressing room.
Then Phil describes how he opened the door to find a white feather.
He says, “She picked it up and gave it to me. ‘Look,’ she said. ‘Everything will be fine’. The pen is in my wallet. “
Describing his state of mind last Christmas, Phil quotes television friends: “There was bottom, then 50 feet of trash, and then me.”
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He spent the New Year crying in the dark. His weight dropped to 9 12 pounds and viewers feared he was ill.
Finally Phil went public. First she told her daughters, then she turned to her mother in Cornwall.
She felt relieved, strangely afraid that he was going blind.
Phil expected a “wave of hatred” after appearing on television and in an interview on The Sun. Instead, the audience was friendly and understanding.
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He says there are still “dark days” and that he has a red flag emoji on his phone that he will send to family and friends if he is in trouble.
And he adds: “I’ve been close, but I haven’t had to fly yet.”
Phil adds: “Is there a way to reveal a secret like this to the world and not hurt your wife or family? Obviously the answer is no. But we are close and loving. We will pass. “
- Life’s What You Make Of It by Phillip Schofield, published by Michael Joseph, is out now.
My choice to open
In his book, Phillip recounts how it was his decision to just tell the world, and his wife Steph, that he was gay.
The TV star reveals that he wishes the situation had been different.
But he insists that coming out of the closet, and revealing the decision in an interview with The Sun in February, was entirely up to him.
He writes: “Was I expelled? Categorically not.
“No one else was involved in the decision other than Steph and me.
“Only my close friends knew, and only when I told them.
“Everything you’ve read, the rumors you’ve heard about my hand being forced, is totally untrue.”
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