Phillip Schofield disappeared from This Morning in agonizing turmoil over sexuality

Phillip Schofield was so upset while struggling with his sexuality that he once dramatically refused to continue with This Morning at the last minute.

In his incredible new memoirs, the star tells how, instead, he fled to his London apartment, where he texted Steph, his wife of 27 years, saying, “I couldn’t do the show.”

Instead, co-host Holly Willoughby introduced the ITV show only when viewers were told that Phillip had reported ill.

Philip says: “I sat alone on the floor, staring at the walls, as This Morning started on the other side of London.

“It was a very stupid thing … all my closest friends knew how ragged my head was, but no one except Steph knew why”

Another day he had to run off set in the middle of a fashion item to get sick.

“Now I knew I needed professional help,” he says.

The 58-year-old star recounts how he found himself in an “extremely dark place” and was forced to take medication before making the courageous decision to tell the world that he was gay.

In his new book, Life’s What You Make It, released today, he also recounts how his weight plummeted as he struggled to come to terms with being gay.

Phillip finally revealed his sexuality to viewers on This Morning in February in an emotional joint interview with his co-star Holly.

It followed a heartbreaking months that included Christmas and New Years in which he “quietly sobbed in the dark” while watching the London fireworks display on television.

He was so agitated that he survived on just two hours of sleep a night.

The star says: “It is like being inside the blackest cloud and feeling consumed by overwhelming and desperate sadness. Nothing and no one can improve it. “

His pain was such that he refused to eat, despite his wife’s desperate efforts to help him.

“My weight dropped,” he says, “and when it hit 9-12 pounds, This Morning viewers started to notice. I got tweets from people asking me if I was sick.

He says that his predominant feeling was one of great guilt towards the devoted wife Steph when he told her that he had feelings for men.

But he insists: “I didn’t know I was gay when I married Steph. If I had, I would not have married. “

Phillip said there was no “specific day or time” that he realized he was gay, but that he had been “more and more aware” for the past five years.

The presenter attacks those who accused him of “lying to him for 27 years”, adding: “When I finally found out, she did too.”

In the months leading up to the sad television moment, Phillip says he couldn’t think of anything else.

When colleagues came to work on a Monday morning and asked him how his weekend was going, he would lie and say he was fine.

“The reality was that I would have been silently staring at a fireplace watching the flames consume the logs and wishing they would consume me,” he says.

While taking prescription pills “it took off the hard edges,” he says he knew he had to come out.

“If not, the secret was going to give me a total breakdown … at best,” he says.

Steph, 56, assured him that she would always love him “unconditionally”, as did her daughters Molly, 27, and Ruby, 24.

Phillip admits that the moment he told his kids “it almost made me sick.”

But he adds: “When things got really dark, [Steph] It reminded me how much everyone loved me and that there was nothing the four of us couldn’t cope with. “

Finally it was time to tell his friends that he was gay, and he says none of them were suspicious.

Holly, however, knew something was up and became increasingly concerned about Phillip’s stressed behavior.

Several times she had asked him if he was okay after feeling something was wrong.

Then the day came when Phillip finally plucked up the courage to tell her about his torment.

“I asked him to come into my dressing room and I told him everything,” he says. “ME
I knew it would be amazing.

“She was much more than that.”

After their talk they saw a white feather on the floor outside the locker room.

“She picked it up and gave it to me,” says Phillip. “’Look,’ he said. ‘Everything will be fine’ “.

He adds: “The pen is in my wallet.”

Phillip and his team decided then that the time had come to tell their fans and started a WhatsApp group called The Event with a select group of people.

First, he wrote an emotional post on Instagram saying that his sexuality had “become a problem in my head.”

He wrote: “With the strength and support of my wife and daughters, I have come to accept the fact that I am gay.”

Within minutes of posting the statement, Holly interviewed him on live television saying that he had been inspired by the “brave” guests who had appeared on the show and thought, “I have to be that person.”

But before telling the world, he decided to tell a small circle of friends at 9 a.m. on the same day.

Among them was Phillip’s former CBBC co-star Andi Peters, who responded and asked if he was on the Michael McIntyre show and if his message was the “Send to All” joke.

“I texted him back saying no, it was real, and if it was ‘Send everyone’ it was a pretty shitty joke,” he says.

Despite coming out of the closet, the star admits that her mental health is “still a work in progress.”

He says that he talks regularly with therapists to try to understand feelings of guilt towards his family.

“I find it difficult to break through the rubble,” he admits.

“Is there a way to reveal a secret like this to the world and not hurt your wife or your family?”

* Life’s What You Make It, by Phillip Schofield, is now available (Penguin Books)