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As with most members of the legal profession, Sir Keir Starmer crawled through an open sewer to hear the sound of his own voice.
No topic is too dark, too arcane, that I would happily talk about.
Important issues of Human Rights jurisprudence, for example, or the finer points of the Equality Law.
The only issue the Labor leader is not happy to be involved in is Brexit.
Since his party’s calamitous performance in last year’s election, he has deemed the issue as toxic as a weapons-grade plutonium rod.
HENRY DEEDES: Boris expressed satisfaction that his enemy could join his exchange from ‘his vantage point in exile in Islington’.
The mere mention of the “B” word causes an uncomfortable mess, the kind of questions that questions about ex-girlfriends often provoke, for example, or an embarrassing rash.
With Boris’ latest trade talks with EU chief Ursula von der Leyen last night, Sir Keir had no choice but to raise the matter at PMQ yesterday.
Starmer re-isolate himself, after a staff member tested positive for coronavirus, meaning it had to be broadcast to the Commons via television screens.
He appeared in a stark white room, reminding him of strange dream sequences or trendy art galleries full of Damien Hirst’s pickled animals.
Sir Keir did not seem entirely comfortable. He kept looking from side to side, a nervous drummer waiting for his signal.
He could see she missed the reassuring grip of the shipping box, the satisfying squeak of the green leather under her ass after asking another clever question about clogs to the prince minister. Meanwhile, the sound quality was weak and resonated.
It sounded like a frogman communicating from a decompression chamber.
Boris expressed his joy that his enemy could join the exchange from “his vantage point in exile in Islington,” he joked, adding toothily: “His spiritual home.”
Sir Keir objected to this. Schloss Starmer was in ‘Camden, not Islington,’ he snorted.
He could also have pointed out that it wasn’t too long ago that Boris Johnson was among the residents who drank latte, until the ex-wife kicked him out.
For 15 minutes, the pair exchanged mild soap teasing about Brexit. Neither of us was on it.
Sir Keir mildly irritated the prime minister for his failure to secure a trade deal. Boris awkwardly joked with Starmer for his ‘sphinx-like’ silence on Brexit in recent months.
I’ve seen conker contests on the playground with the most bite. Boris’s mind was clearly on his later evening with Frau Ursula.
HENRY DEEDES: Sir Keir didn’t seem entirely comfortable. He kept looking from side to side, a nervous drummer waiting for his signal.
Sir Keir’s, I hope, focused on escaping from that creepy white box.
Much more entertaining was the subsequent ding-dong between spokesperson Sir Lindsay Hoyle and Chris Bryant (Rhondda) of Labor.
The precise details of what Bryant may or may not have done to provoke Speaker’s fury remain unclear. Due to the rules of social distancing, the lizards in the press gallery had not seen it.
But so far sir, here are the facts. Shortly after Boris finished with Starmer and stood up again, Sir Lindsay’s limbs began to flap at Bryant, who was lurking at one of the Order’s gates. Mr. Bryant, ‘he yelled.
‘We’re not’ having that de-GRAYYYYCE-ful behavior! ‘You can always tell when Sir Lindsay has left properly Silly when that Lancaster accent suddenly morphs into full Eric Morecambe.
What was Bryant’s crime? Had Boris blown a raspberry? Did the bird turn you over? Did you tell him to brush his hair, fix his tie, and pull up his pants?
Before long, Sir Lindsay and Bryant huddled in a terse tête-à-tête next to the Speaker ‘s chair.
Words were exchanged, striking arm movements were launched. Finally Sir Lindsay announced aloud that their discussion would have to end some other time. ‘Penalty fee!’ Bryant snapped before walking away, leaving a trace of that grumpy air of an abandoned lover.
By the time the House got up for the night, we still didn’t know anything. All I know is that Sir Lindsay and Bryant have what we call “anterior.”
When they both ran for president last year, they told me that relations between them were not entirely fragrant.
