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GRAMit entirely does. The last time Greg Clark exchanged words with Dominic Cummings was in the summer of 2019, when Boris Johnson’s former senior adviser called him to abuse him for not backing the prime minister’s Brexit deal. It’s fair to say that the call didn’t end well.
But both men have moved on ever since – Cummings to … no one is quite sure what – and for his meeting gig on the science and technology committee, Clark, its chairman, was determined to defuse any potential tension. So for this particular session, no one would mention the coronavirus and Cummings’ role in the government’s handling of the pandemic. That gift would be saved for a later date. For the next 90 minutes, all questions would be limited to the new Advanced Research and Invention Agency (Aria), Dom’s baby who was promised an initial aid of 800 million pounds in the latest budget.
For his part, Dom behaved in the best way. In his last appearance before a select committee, during the EU referendum campaign, he had set out to insult everyone in the room in turn, but now he was careful to be the model of courtesy. Hell, he had even bothered to iron his shirt. How much more respect could a guy show?
Cummings began by explaining the concept of Aria with the help of a Venn diagram that he had brought with him. That little pink area? That is where scientific research is currently concentrated. That vast blue area? That’s where he thought scientists should focus. Not so much thinking outside the box as thinking outside the circle. And if the diagram wasn’t clear enough, MPs might find a 100,000-word blog version that he had altered upon his return from Barnard Castle in the spring of last year.
What Dom wanted was an agency that focused on blue skies research, that found solutions to the questions no one else was asking. A shrunken agency that would dispense with the bad bureaucrats and replace them with the good bureaucrats of a science director and four trustees – you could say they were good because they would have T-shirts with G forever on their backs. . An agency whose success would be measured by the number of failures it produced.
If all the projects were successful, the agency would be funding the wrong ones. An agency that would be willing to take a chance on some weirdo that takes an hour round trip in the car to check the status of their eyesight and to hell with the risk of undermining the entire government message about compliance with Covid regulations. . . Because that was precisely the kind of misfit who would come up with the idea of Aria.
Above all, what he wanted was an agency without the cronyism of old muckers who reviewed each other’s work and had no friction. This all sounded plausible enough until you considered the ironies and contradictions. During the pandemic, the government’s first attempts to cut red tape had only resulted in the award of contracts to Conservative party donors. And as the architect of Vote Leave, few had done more to increase the paperwork for non-tariff barriers to trade with the Brexit deal than Cummings.
Even though the entire session was devoted to Dom’s favorite topic, why Dom was extremely smart and right about everything, even Cummings began to get tired of people taking him seriously. There was only a limit to the humble bragging he could handle – “Oh, I’m definitely not the right person to lead Aria” – so he then headed off to set the record straight. AKA conducting a shooting from a vehicle.
First in line was Matt Hancock. The Department of Health and Welfare had been a “total and utter disaster”, a “smoking wreck” after not providing enough PPE. That was why he and Patrick Vallance (the prime minister was not important enough to be consulted) had insisted that the vaccine program be taken out of Hancock’s hands. Back in his office, Door Matt sobbed uncontrollably. He had spent weeks last summer making excuses for Dom’s Durham safari and now he was being rewarded with delivery.
Moments later, Matt’s day got even worse when he was told to lead the Downing Street press conference. Even though there was no news to pass on. “I have some very interesting information,” he later said with all the sincerity of a night shift shopping channel presenter. So exciting that he forgot to mention a letter saying there would be a vaccine shortage for the next month or so. “Oh that!” he said, feigning surprise when the media asked him about it. “That was just a standard letter.” Like a standard bad news letter
Door Matt also went out of his way to deflect questions about Dom’s comments about the Health Department. It’s a team effort, he said. “We have a positive mission, spirit of power.” Except that some parts of the equipment had been noticeably weaker than others. He looked miserable. All Tigger spent.
Still, Hancock could at least take comfort in thinking that he wasn’t the only one in the line of fire. When asked if he was being offered the lead advisor position, Dom was quick to point out that he was actually the one who had hired Boris. He had asked Johnson if he was serious about Brexit, if he was serious about doubling the research budget, if he was serious about Aria, and if he was serious about removing dead wood. from Whitehall, and only when he had received an affirmative answer to each question, had he agreed to take Boris as his prime minister.
The rest of the session was just clickbait. No, he hadn’t bothered to listen to the quote. He had much better things to do with his time. And yes, having presented some teasers, I would happily come at a later date to provide more comprehensive evidence on the government’s handling of the Covid crisis. Rather, he had forgotten how much he enjoyed being the center of attention, and after all, the more he thought about it, the more he was convinced that everything that had happened in 2020 proved that he had been right to do whatever it was that he had done. He didn’t care who he shot down. Dom didn’t owe anyone anything. Do not regret anything. Classic sun.
