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IIt had gone far as expected when the Commons debated the six-month extension to coronavirus regulations. Matt Hancock had opened up rather lackluster, safe in the knowledge that there was no chance of a government defeat as Labor had already pledged their support, and trying not to sound too condescending when it came to predictable interventions from Mark. Harper and other Covid. The recovery group locked up the refuseniks from their own banks.
Yes, Door Matt said, he quite understood the concerns of his colleagues, but the roadmap out of lockdown was not up for discussion. In fact, it could not even guarantee that it would not return in six months, advocating a new extension if some new variant or a third wave made more restrictions necessary.
Shadow health secretary Jon Ashworth had given a similar repetitive speech in response. The bill was far from perfect, blah-di-blah, and there were still parts that were draconian, but it still needed to be balanced. So, with heavy heart and great reluctance, etc., etc.
Then in the mix came conservative libertarian Charles Walker. Now Walker is a fundamentally decent man, who first came to my attention in 2015 when he burst into tears on camera when William Hague and David Cameron tried to pressure him into a coup against then-President John Bercow. But since then he has gone largely unnoticed, until today, when he sprinkled himself with stardust while delivering the most surreal speech of Commons I have heard in the seven years I have been drawing. Satire is impossible at times like this, so all I can do is transcribe what he said and include some thoughts and comments in italics.
“I want to talk about milk,” he began, “because in the days that remain of this confinement, I am going to allow myself an act of defiance, my own protest so that others will join me. I’m going to protest the price. milk.” Why the milk? We never got to find out. Not even if it was skimmed, semi-skimmed or whole. “Now I’m not sure if I think the price is too high or too low, I’ll make that decision later.” He never went so far as to say what he thought was the correct price.
“But for the next few days I am going to walk around London with a pint of milk on me, because that pint will represent my protest. And there may be others who choose to walk around London with a liter of milk on their person too, and maybe as we walk side by side on the street our gazes might meet, we might even stop to chat, but I was thinking about myself, and I will keep thinking of myself. ” What does this even mean?
“What will your pint of milk represent? What will your protests be? Perhaps they will protest the roaring back of a mental health demon brought on by lockdown, perhaps they will protest a renewed battle against anorexia, depression, anxiety and addiction. ” Time to go to Milk Anonymous. “Perhaps with their pint of milk they will be protesting the lack of agency in their life, without being able to make a meaningful decision. Perhaps a loss of career, job or business. Maybe they will be protesting this country’s slide toward authoritarianism, or maybe they will be protesting the fact that we allow unelected officials at number 10 to teach us how to live our lives. ” Yes, but why would they also do it with a carton of milk?
“There may even be people with a pint of milk silently protesting that the route out of the blockade is too slow, or perhaps even too fast. You see, the point is that these people can project what they like, the concern that they have in their pint of milk. ” But you still haven’t explained to me about milk. “My protest, as I said, will not be for any of those things, it will be simply for the price of milk, and as I said for the next few days, I will have that pint on top.” But what about the price? What if you drink half and throw away the rest?
“It will be of symbolic importance to me and at the end of the day, it will be hot, it will have separated. And I can choose whether to drink it or pour it because it will have lost its refreshing elegance by the time it has been in my pocket for 12 hours. And if I spill it, that may cause some concern to people, but it doesn’t matter, because it’s my half a liter of milk. ” Nobody said it wasn’t your pint of milk or that you couldn’t do what you wanted with it.. “And it is my protest and I do not seek the endorsement or support of the people in my protests. And you know I listened and listened. ” But what did you hear? Voices?
“I listened and listened to my honorable friend.” Probably Door Matt. “This will pass, my protest will pass, the pandemic will pass. And for years to come, I will be sitting at my kitchen table, maybe with my wife, and I hope my kids still want to see me, and I will break up our excited conversation about the day because I will see that pint of milk on the table. ” But what if you’ve poured it out and there’s no milk to look at? “And that look will remind me that the act of protest is a freedom. Freedom, not a right, and unless you bind freedoms every day, unless you fight for freedoms, every day they end up being taken away from you ”. Er … no one is going to take away your pint of milk.
Genius or madness. Your call. Personally, I’d be in favor of giving Walker the benefit of the doubt. It certainly brightened up another dull day at the confinement. This was the policy on acid. And wouldn’t it be great if in the next PMQ, when Boris Johnson is not giving a direct answer, the whole house stood up as one, a pint of milk in hand, in silent protest? “Free the Milk One.”
