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one
Your first problem: hiring. Your phone is already ringing with agents trying to sell you their players. So are you embarking on a big summer spending spree to try and bridge the quality gap? Or keep faith in the core of the team that promoted you? Spending spree: go to 2; Keep faith: go to 3.
two
With your first batch of streaming money, you decide your best hope of competing is investing. But how? Are you prepared to pay a premium for proven English talent, or will you scour the world for bargains and risk the inevitable uncertainty of adjusting to a new league? Buy British: go to 6; Foreign purchase: go to 7.
3
Putting team spirit and cohesion a priority, you decide to give your existing squad a chance to prove themselves at a higher level. But against the best clubs in the country, you will need a plan. Are you going to play sophisticated and risky attacking football? Or sit deep, maintain a rigid form, and try to steal 1-0 wins? Go on the attack: go to 4; Keep things tight: go to 5.
4
The dream season kicks off, earning accolades for his engaging style of play and briefly topping the table in September. But gradually the lack of depth and experience begins to show. Defensive weaknesses take over. A 9-1 beating from Manchester City brings it to a head. Will you look for reinforcements in the January window? Or keep your nerves? New signings: go to 14; Keep your nerve: go to 9
5
Your no-nonsense style wins few fans. “More like a wrestling team,” is Jürgen Klopp’s rude verdict, after a bitter 1-0 loss in which his middle half rips a lock of Mo Salah’s hair. It may not be pretty, but it works – you comfortably survive your first season. Now for the second season. Will you try to evolve towards a more technical team? Or go ahead with what works? Develop your style: go to 15; Plow in: go to 16.
6
Promoting a national contracting strategy, you fill your squad with £ 100m from Arsenal fringe players and a former star defender looking for one last big payday. But without a real philosophy, the results go downhill quickly. For February, you are in last position and are looking for a new manager. Do you promote the coach of the youth team? Or bet on a relatively unknown who reached the quarter-finals of the Europa League with Besiktas? Unknown alien: go to 11; Promote from within: go to 12.
7
With the help of your super agent contacts in Europe, assemble a cosmopolitan and star-studded team that includes two former Champions League winners. The fans are delighted. There is talk of a blatant inclination in Europe. But in four games, everything went wrong. The new signings do not seem annoying. Old professionals are jealous of their huge salaries. What to do? Fire the manager: go to 10; Than? After four games ?: go to 8.
8
He publicly supports his coach, fully committing to his vision and philosophy of the game. And slowly, with everyone finally pulling in the same direction, his squad of stars begins to propel him onto the table. Surprisingly, you finish seventh in your first season, earning you an unlikely European spot. The big clubs are starting to sniff out your squad. The future looks promising. Go to 14
9
Realizing that a big January spree offers more risks than rewards, he decides to keep what he has. Although you win a lot of fans for the way your club is run and the football you play, they also overwhelm you every week. You can’t stop scoring your own goal. You are tired of losing. DECLINE arrives in mid-April. And deep down, you feel quite relieved.
10
His decision is roundly condemned by the League Managers’ Association, which denounces the ridiculous “firing culture” of the Premier League. And while there is an immediate rebound in results, the rebound from the new manager is only temporary. With eight games remaining, he is forced to make another change. Name the former club legend and good egg in all respects? Or some trendy hipster guy who has done wonders for very little money in La Liga? Legend: go to 12. The league: go to 13.
eleven
To the fury of the now diverse but still painfully banterific football saturday panel, the new coach oversees a slight improvement, but not enough to save him from DECLINE. Nonetheless, he will continue to be hired by increasingly prestigious clubs, moving to West Ham, then Valencia, then a lucrative stint at Jiangsu Suning, from where he will inexplicably get the Real Madrid job.
12
The appointment of a new manager who “just got the club” is very well received by the fans. No more egos – you’re back to basics and old-fashioned hard work. Unfortunately, you still have a huge payroll and 18 points in 28 games, and no amount of Club DNA is going to change that. DECLINE is inevitable, followed by a painful ADMINISTRATION in which the club mascot is seized by bailiffs.
13
Surprisingly, his happy trigger approach works longer than people expect. A constant agitation of players and managers keeps everyone on their toes, and although it all feels a bit chaotic, and no one is sure who owns your players, you manage to blend into the middle of the table and even enjoy some cup race. Well done. Go to 14.
14
After three or four seasons of relative comfort in the middle of the table, it is often described as “a model club” and ready to move to the next level. Unfortunately, the vultures are already circling. Manchester United choose your two best players. Tottenham steals their coach. You try to replace them, but despite the soaring levels of expectation, something doesn’t feel right. The following season starts badly. What do you do? Start making changes: go to 15. Stick to the plan: go to 16
fifteen
The end is unworthy: years of the patient’s progress are undone in a few months. Managers come and go. Bored La Masia graduates come and go. The atmosphere feels toxic. And most of all, it feels like you’ve lost what made you so good in the first place. Meanwhile, an end-of-season training break in Dubai ends in a farce when five of his team get drunk and steal a camel. DECLINE.
sixteen
He stays true to his principles and resists pressing the panic button. But over time, the stress of constantly defying gravity begins to kick in. Goals dry up. Morale hits rock bottom. Other clubs feel fresher, more interesting, more relevant. Someday, you will be able to reflect on the incredible journey you have taken, from the depths of the Football League to the big moment. For now, however, DECLINE wait.
